The Story of a Back

Note: another fragment left in a folder and ignored (a piece of something greater?)

-K.D.

*

Don’t turn around.

Don’t turn around? Stupid for me to say that, and totally unexpected. It could even be a riddle: “What is always there but never seen?” Some sort of joke there, but I should have set this up a little better than I did. Please forgive me. I am not the best one for a joke. But I did get your attention…

Yes, it is your back, the most important part of your body (believe me on this). Okay, that is a little arrogant, but I am quite important. All of the muscles coming together to help you carry and respond to any load or weight that had to be moved. Think about it: how else could you have carried all of that material in your life if you did not have me. Not a chance. Along with all of those muscles, you have the spine, right in the middle of my playground (pretty important, too). Again, I am not the best one for a joke…

I suppose you want to know why I am speaking to you now, on this particular occasion. No, you have no head injuries that remain undiagnosed (I would know; we talk). This is not a daydream, either. I just thought that this was the right moment for us to have this little chat. The right time to speak to speak about recent events, recent things (so much to say)…

Well, I have been with you from the moment you first appeared in your family’s life. Not much use for me as an infant, but I do remember all those hands under and supporting me, meaning you; all those light massages and rocking gestures. Rather pleasant, but it was much better when you began to explore your little world. I had to wait for you to start crawling around and then attempting to walk before I got any real attention. And it did come pretty quickly, I thought. You were falling backwards while trying to climb a staircase. Your mother caught you – I could see her coming with a wide and terrified face; good two-handed grab – and she put up that gate while you ended up scurrying around on the living room carpet without a single care. Don’t be surprised. I see things that you cannot even imagine.

Ahh, yes, I know the expression. “Got your back”. I am watching all of the things you cannot see; I even try to warn you about what may be pretty important. It is amazing to me how much you people miss once you turn around. You were a little boy when I first found myself sending you a message to pay attention. A teacher had just told you not to do something in the hallway of your elementary school (yes, I knew the grade; very open plan and clear space). I am not sure specifically what you did (hey, I was not facing the crime), and as you walked away, she made a face. It was a rather ugly face that she should probably have avoided making as an educator who trained to work with children. She must have believed that no one else could see her (no other reactions were visible to me; only her face). And that was when you had your reaction and turned back quickly to see her at her worst. I’m not sure what you did next. You were quite still as I was turned away.

Embarrassment? Yes, she deserved it, walking away from you like that and you not moving until the bell rang. I can tell you now that she was always a little wary around you, even when she became your teacher (strange how her power waned when you were under her supervision for a full day). And perhaps other teachers had the same reaction, or she just shared her story in their lounge. You had a presence there and had an easier time than most of the others. You can thank me for that.

Have you ever had that special tingle in your back when things seem odd, or there is just something a little bit off? That was me trying to warn you and get you to do something about it. There were moments when you needed that signal and you did respond. And then there were the other moments when you were too distracted – too involved with the world ahead of you – to pay attention. Sorry. I am being a little tough with you about this. All those pushes, kicks, snickers, laughs and private messages to the world (the humour at your expense): so unforgivable. You should pay more attention to my work.

It is still amazing to me how many expressions in the language exist that mention my existence. Yes, I talked about “Got your back”. There is also “Watch your back” (as I said, my advice); “Back it up” (not just for cars); “Back against the wall” (that is rather uncomfortable one for me to mention; too smothering). My favorite one is not the most popular one out there: “Never show your back to the room”. Yes, I have heard that one before and made it my own. It means that when you leave a room, you have to see the faces of the people you leave behind. Just another way to protect yourself.

Not very subtle, am I? Well, I know how you feel. All that lifting through our long life together and then this happens. A bunch of the low muscles you had to manipulate and they just wanted to be left alone. Well, I could blame you for all of this. I really could… But it is not for me to do so.

There is still some good associated with this. Of course, those fingers… Her fingers… Remember what I told you about that tingle in the back. She knew how surprised you would be; that is why I did not really help you out. Those touches were all over you before you could really respond; before you even turned around and let those hands run deep.

Yes, once again, I do go on. Her hands were on the lower parts; what you people call “the small of the back” (never understood that expression myself). So many times and I never cared whether I suffocated on a mattress or had myself against a wall (well, not really true; as I said, I never liked “Back against the wall”). Whatever happened between you two? Yes, as I said, I am not going to take it easy on you. First, gentle caresses, then hard embraces to, finally, slaps and hitting out at me. Yes, you felt them too, but it was all much worse for me. I had to heal with those marks all over me. Just ruined my appearance for me (too embarrassing to recall)… Let’s just move on…

Great, this one again. We hate those things as much as you do (as I said about the bruises). She does not even warm it up before she puts it on me. At least give it a rub or place it by a heater before trying to listen to you by invading my space. I could have been the one to tell you that your heart is fine, if I had taken the chance to talk earlier. Again, as I said, no head injuries to report…

Good that she made you sit up. Now I have your attention and can get to the real reason why I am speaking to you. You have really put yourself in a bad position, haven’t you? A late night drive, no licence, a headache of a wet road and then this. I had better state that, from what I can see, nothing is permanent (the doctor should be telling you this, not me; she is so quiet). You will be able to stand, move on your own feet, walk… And walk away.

Yes, walk away… You will be doing a lot of that for a long time. You have been out in that wheelchair over there, as long as there was someone to protect you, and you did not really see any of those faces. I was just looking over the edge of the seat on your last trip, and you would be surprised by how ugly a face can be when its true nature appears. Or maybe this is just because of your one bad moment with a car… They talk about you in whispers; they stare and point; they show their feelings without saying a word. That accident was not yours alone. You are responsible for a lot of pain. I am doing my best to keep you safe, but it may not be enough. I can “watch your back”, but you will have to be careful.

Forgive me. I am never a good one for telling a joke.

Or the truth.

*

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