The Origin of Harley Quinn

TW: violence, gore, implied SA, mental health crisis

I have to keep it in. Close the door, lock the box. The pain can’t take over. I have to stay in control, stay alive. Or do I?

I drag myself through the dark streets, a phantom. My head is spinning, and my knees buckle as they struggle to keep me upright. I steady myself with one hand as I cling to the side of a building. The cloudy sky has made the night so dark, I am moving purely on instinct to find my way home. My eyes are red and swollen from crying, not to mention the right hook I took earlier. I struggle to pull air into my lungs through my blood crusted nose and dry mouth. My other arm clutches my chest as the stab of bruised ribs cuts my breaths even shorter.

This pain in my chest goes beyond the ache of bruised ribs. Radiating from deep within, I feel the hole in my chest rip open even further, tearing me apart from the inside out. My fingers bunch in the fabric of my torn shirt as I try to stop my chest from collapsing. Overwhelmed by pain, I stop for a moment to rest my cheek against the cool bricks. The shock of the cold clears my mind a little and allows me to focus enough to breathe. I grit my teeth with each inhale, but with oxygen finally in my brain, the world isn’t tilting so much anymore. A few deep breaths, in and out, gives me enough strength to stand up straight again. In my head spinning haze I turned down the wrong street, landing me in a dark, narrow alley. A tear-less sob escapes my mouth as I realize my mistake; wanting nothing more than to collapse on the floor of my apartment.

The alley is nearly devoid of all light, if it weren’t for the glow of the full moon peeking between the storm clouds. The scuttle of rats and the stench of rotting trash penetrates the blockade in my nose. Puddles of dirty runoff water soak my already freezing feet making my steps narrower, and more strained. A chilling wind blows against me, freezing my already stiff joints. When the breeze settles, and the goosebumps on my arms don’t go down, an overwhelming sense of dread fills my body. Every hair on my body stands up as a new kind of fear blooms within me.

A voice comes from the darkness, “Hey there honey. What are you doing here all alone?”

I try to focus on moving my feet one in front of the other, doing my best to ignore him.

“You know, this is a pretty dangerous area. You never know what kind of people you might run into here.”

I feel the color drain from my face as I hear his voice growing closer. An icy jolt runs down my spine at the unwelcome touch of his hand on my shoulder. I jerk it forward, trying to shake his hand off, but he just tightens his grip. Too weak to fight back, he rips my shoulder back, spinning me to face him. I stumble on my unsteady feet as tears begin to sting my eyes.

“Just leave me alone, please,” I plead between sobs.

A face cuts through the darkness as he yanks me closer to him. The stench of his breath fills my nose as his mouth twists into a terrifying smile. My knees buckle beneath me and I fall to the ground, my jeans soaking from the puddle I land in. I wipe a splash of dirty water from my face, taking fresh tears away with each swipe of my sleeve. The fog in my brain returns as my soul collapses beneath me.

I’m already broken. I’ve already hit the bottom. How else can I possibly fall further? How is it possible for life to become any worse? I am nothing. My life is nothing. I’ve already lost everything. My friends. My family. My job. The only things left to take from me are my body, and my life. I have nothing left to protect, to fight for, to live for. Here and now, sitting in this filthy alley, I let the last piece of my soul break.

I can’t move, I can’t speak. I don’t feel my clothes rip. I don’t feel my arms and legs being held down. I don’t feel the body on top of mine. I don’t feel the tears streaming down the sides of my face. I close my eyes and let the evil of this cruel life take what’s left of me. I am going to die, right here, right now.

The world goes black behind the lid of my eyes, and my mind plummets deeper and deeper. The pressure becomes too great, and I feel my world collapse in on itself. I supernova.

Everything is black. Everything is dark. Everything is still.

I am okay. Everything is finally okay. Nothing can hurt me anymore.

I float in a pool of black water, the surface rippling in time with my slowing heartbeat. It sounds so far away, but I feel the vibrations against my skin as the water moves around me. Opening my eyes, I wait for the last bit of my sky to dim.

I’m so tired; tired of fighting, tired of trying. I don’t want to hurt any longer, I just want to be free.

The theater in my mind plays through my memories as I slip further into the void. The places and faces that caused me so much pain. The thoughts that haunted my every waking moment. The inky darkness that infested my mind. I asked for help. I begged and pleaded. Abandoned by those who swore to protect me. Forever alone. All I wanted was for someone to hold me, wipe my tears, tell me everything was going to be okay. Stars swim in my eyes as the images whirl past me and I feel my body go numb.

Just as suddenly as it had begun, the spinning stops. A blink takes me out of the water, and I find myself standing in front of a mirror. The space around me is devoid of all matter. My eyebrows knit in confusion as I gaze at my reflection. I don’t know who this is. I don’t recognize the face any longer. Who is this person and where did they come from? When did I lose myself?

Questions crowd my mind as tears begin to flow again. Why does life have to hurt so much? Why did I have to live in a world so plagued by pain and suffering? I cry harder and harder, until I am gasping for air. Every moment of my cursed life has been spent in pain. I thought I’d finally find peace in death, but death hurts just as much as life, and I just want it all to end.

The pressure in my head now unbearable, I scream, louder than I ever thought possible. My voice fills the empty space, reverberating against the walls of eternity. I grip my head, my fits balling in my hair as my eyes roll into the back of my head. My ears ring and the mirror shakes. Eyes squeezing tight together, I let out another scream; but this time I don’t hear it.

Stilled by the silence, I slowly open my eyes. As I meet my own gaze, a long split runs down the middle of the mirror, fracturing my reflection in two. To the left, I recognize the matted hair and empty eyes I’ve always known. Tired, weak, worthless, unlovable. So full of fear and sadness.

A flash of ruby quickly draws my eyes to the right, and horror sets in as I take in the person in the mirror. They look like me, but their eyes glow red; teeth exposed behind an unnerving smile. These teeth are sharper, cheeks pinker, eyes wilder. My pupils dilate, as a scream of terror rips from my throat. Lifting my shaking hands I punch the mirror. The impact splits the skin on my knuckles, and a web of cracks spreads across my face. Blood dripping down my arm, ear splitting shrieks rattle my brain as I desperately swing over and over again.

As I land the final strike, the mirror shatters; shards falling in a pile around my feet. I stare down at my distorted reflection and feel the pressure in my mind ease; I can breathe again. Glass slices my palm as I pick up a shard and stare. I feel no pain. No sorrow. No fear. All the weight on my chest is gone, and I feel light. I feel nothing as I take in my new reflection. An impossible smile adorns my face and my eyes look devoid of all sanity.

-.%*$+

I start laughing. I can’t help it. It’s so funny. So damn funny. God, it is so fucking funny! I can’t stop laughing. Gripping the shard even harder, my shoulders shake from laughter and euphoria enters me.

Echoes of a voice trickle through the hole in the sky, and my cheeks grow warm with excitement. Looking up to the light, I feel myself rise and the darkness collapse beneath me. I leap through the portal and into the outside world again. I am laughing here too. Laughing until it makes my stomach cramp and seize. Finally opening my eyes, I am met with the wretched face from what now feels so long ago. As my laughs grow louder, his face twists in anger.

“What the fuck are you laughing? Something funny, bitch?” His fist connects with my cheek and I spit blood, “Stupid bitch. Shut the fuck up.”

Cocking back his shoulder, he readies himself to send another fist into my cheek, when I suddenly stop laughing. My face turns to stone making him freeze in surprise. His face looks so fucking ridiculous, I can’t help myself from spitting the pool of blood that’s been collecting in my cheek right in his face.

“Uh! Fuck! You fucking bitch!”

He looks absolutely hilarious as he desperately tries to wipe the blood from his eyes. My hands wander the pavement around me and find an old rusty screwdriver under an ancient rotting dumpster. It smells so fucking bad! I need to get away from this fucking garbage, and this smelly dumpster. I am so excited now that I can play too! But before I can make any moves, the back of his hand connects with my face, and my new toy is taken away from me! He doesn’t waste a second before sinking the tool all the way to the handle into my side. A jolt of pain and pleasure radiates throughout my whole body. His hands wrap around my throat and I can’t hold in my moan. I lick my lips, locking his gaze in place and rock my hips up into his. Despite his confusion, his body can’t help its response. His cock grows hard against my bare flesh, and I can feel myself getting wetter.

Without another moment's hesitation, I grab hold of the handle and rip it from my side in one fluid motion. His grip on my throat tightens and breathing becomes near impossible, but that feeling of euphoria comes over me again and my eyes roll back into my head. A weak moan croaks from my crushed throat before I plunge the screwdriver in his side, just like he did to me. His scream of pain loosens the grip on my trachea, giving me the breath I need. Energy surges through me as I sink the tool into him over, and over, and over again.

Each stab harder, deeper, faster, until he collapses to his side. My body finally free from the cage of his, I spring up and crouch on the filthy ground next to him. The growing warmth in my core radiates, turning the cold night air to steam as it blows across my bare skin. Rolling to face me, he clutches his bloody abdomen. My eyes grow wide as I watch the red stains on his shirt bigger, and I feel that rush again.

“What the fuck?” he squeezes out weakly, “You’re fucking insane! I’m gonna fucking kill you!”

I can’t contain the smile that quirks one side of my mouth. Limbs tingling, I reply calmly, “Okay,” before pushing off the ground and launching myself toward him. The shock once again stunning him into falling right into my trap. Landing on his chest, I straddle his torso and settle my ass on his pathetic, now flaccid dick. The fear I once wore, now adorns his.

“Please, I’m sorry! Please don’t kill me. Please!”

I find myself becoming more and more pleased by the second as tears begin to fall from his eyes, but I can’t take it any longer. Leaning in close, I drag my tongue up the length of his face, lapping up the fresh tears.

His bottom lip wobbles like a little baby as he cries, “W-why are you doing this? P-please, please, please!”

Tracing the lines of his ear softly with my lips, I whisper, “Because it’s just so goddamn funny.”

My spine snaps up and my arms follow, holding my weapon in both hands. A patch of clouds finally moves allowing the moonlight to pour into the dark alley. Blood drips from the tip of the tool, and it’s such a beautiful sight. My lids sink lower, and the apples of my cheeks flush. I giggle and bite my bottom lip as I slam my arms down into his chest. Skin tears, bones crunch and blood sprays more and more with each strike. I dig my rusty screwdriver into his chest, until I can’t lift my arms any longer. A cool breeze blows across my hot face, and helps to clear the fog in my mind. Taking in the scene before me, I admire my painting. My muse, laying still, unresponsive, completely devoid of life. Eyes frozen open with a delicious look I recognize so well; Fear.

Tilting my head back, I take the first real breath of my life. Clear, and crisp air fills my lungs as I come down from my high, and a soft smile blossoms on my face. I’m quickly torn from my trance by the new sounds hitting my ears. A slow clap, accompanied by a velvety voice, hidden within the shadows. My eyes grow wide as a tall man steps out of the darkness. A perfectly tailored suit clings tight to his slender waist and broad shoulders. With a large hat concealing his face, the only speck of color in sight is the brightly colored square of fabric tucked in his breast pocket.

He continues his applause as he saunters closer, only stopping when he stands right above me and the bleeding stuck pig laying under me. “Wow. That was absolutely stunning; perfect,” crouching down to meet my eye level, “You were amazing.”

With his face now closer to mine, the moonlight peeks under his hat, revealing only his eyes. Tides of emerald wash over me, and I find myself locked in his gaze. Entranced, I feel my body go slack and my breath grow shallow. Drawing my elbows together and arching my back, I stick my ass in the air, preening for my audience.

His mouth twists into a devious smile and I feel all the air leave my lungs. Pulling the handkerchief from his pocket in one smooth motion, my cheeks warm as the silky purple fabric caresses my cheek. His words melt me and I forget that girl in the mirror; forever.

“So beautiful.”