Silent Lucidity

My knuckles turn white as apprehensive fingers twist around the neck. I feel my palms tingle with the anticipation of the crack.

It's a tie game, bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded. I stare down the pitcher and watch the ball fly free. The tiny orb spins while dust particles stream behind like Haleys comet, hurtling directly towards me. The world goes quiet, I hear only the beating of my heart and the hollow sound of my breath. My muscles tense, then spring forward on instinct. I feel the contact and hear the crack I have been waiting for. In that moment sounds erupt, enveloping me in a vibration of excitement. As the ball sails up and over the first basemen’s head, my legs coil like loaded springs and I find my self running for first. I feel the loose gravel shift beneath my feet as rubber sole spits pebbles behind each stride. My lungs are full as I drive myself harder, needing to get to the base. The player ignores me and frantically tosses the ball towards home. My foot touches the plate on first, I turn and see our teammate slide ahead of the ball....SAFE.

We win...we win

Suddenly my legs tremble with a dull ache, as I spin and look towards the stands. I see my father standing, surrounded by hundreds of screaming fans. Yet he doesn't move, his face is blank, no proud smile, no usual thumbs up. I start walking toward him, with every step I take he grows further away. Noise from the crowd becomes an incoherent roar, I try to call out but cannot hear my own voice over the pandemonium. Suddenly, I lose sight of him as a blinding spotlight shines on me. I see nothing but white light.

A tune explodes in my head, an instrumental melody garbled and incoherent at first.

'Of someone close to you leaving the game of...'

I cannot move, the roar now mimics the sound of a faraway train whistle echoing across the plains. I feel a tremor beneath my feet, I am emersed in a dense fog with no visibility. Suddenly a distant light cuts through the veil mist, blinding me. I raise my hands to shield my eyes as the sound gets louder, closer, the rumble more pronounced. Glancing at my feet they are no longer on the ballpark grass. I am standing on a wooden rail tie, watching tiny pebbles dance between iron tracks. Suddenly the sight of a train engine splits the mist apart and bares down on me. Its headlight cutting through the dark. I try to flee off the tracks but there are giant concrete walls on either side, I run. My feet are heavy, a rush of wind from behind tells me the train is almost on top of me. I push my legs harder, pumping up and down. Daring a glance back, the light is so bright I lose my footing and begin to fall, my arms windmill in front of me in slow motion trying to brace for impact. I close my eyes as the ground rises, I land hard. The noise is overwhelming the great beast is upon me. A strong wind tries to suction me up, but I grip the ground by digging my fingers into wooden ties, trying to fight as the metal monster rides above my prostrate body. I cannot see, I cannot focus I only feel my insides shake as the wind blasts around me. The clangor becomes silent, as I am now part of the wind.

A soft melody surrounds me, harmony of music and nature, I know this song.

'You're safe from the pain in the dream domain... A soul set free to fly...'

I feel my body lifting…up …I open my eyes. Nothing but blue sky, an invisible force is holding me afloat, wind whistling in my ears. Glancing below me is the world, spread out like a Monet.

The calm breaks as I begin to plummet, I'm free falling.

My heart beats rapidly as panic takes control, I start flapping my arms and begin spinning out of control, the ground rushing up fast. I am diving into nothing. My body is tossed around like a discarded paper bag caught in the wind, hurtling to my death.

Closing my eyes, with my arms wide, I relax and glide like the seagulls near the cliffs. My descent slows. When I open them, I am flying, slipping in and out of the air streams like a bird. Swooping and diving then rising again.

Free at last.

So lost in my newfound wonder I fail to notice a dark shadow cast over me until I feel the specter next to me. I try forcing myself not to look, I want to fly forever. Yet this heavy presence persists, floating beside me. My head begins to turn, my muscles tense in protest, I fight the urge, but am helpless. I have no choice but to gaze upon my flying companion. I am amazed to see an eagle flying next to me. Yet it is anything but majestic, it's tattered and beaten, its feathers tearing away from its body till it is no more than a carcass in the sky. Its head is turned away from me, gazing into the void of endless blue sky. I am repulsed by the site of this ghastly beast, daring to share my space. Destroying my moment of tranquility.

I yell at it, but it refuses to acknowledge me. I try reaching out to grasp it, but it stays just beyond my touch. Until slowly the balding head turns towards me. Our eyes make contact, and I am tossed into a nightmare.

I falter, suddenly it feels like the great claws of this creature has reached over and squeezed my heart. It is no longer a bird, but a beaten man, his clothing torn, blistering scabs cover his face.

My world wildly gyrates as I gaze into the face of my father. He has no expression, he only stares at me with haunting eyes.

I try to scream but my voice dries up, I am helpless as I watch him slowly drift away from me. I try to follow, but the wind pushes us apart, watching helplessly as he fades away into the clouds and disappears.

I begin to fall, no longer wishing to fly, the will is sapped from me, I plunge down faster and faster. Tumbling out of control, for a moment or a lifetime I don't know. I break through the clouds and see water of a great lake rushing up to meet me. My body goes limp as the mirrored surface approaches, until I see my own reflection staring back at me. I find my voice and begin to scream, yelling at my reflection in the clear glass like waters, wanting to hit myself as hard as I can. Closer and closer until the reflection is no longer my own, but that of my father. His still body floating just below the surface. We stare at each other before we collide, and I notice an absence of recognition in his eyes.

Smashing into the silver water, the surface explodes into a million shards of glass, I am shocked as pain tears my body apart, as liquid becomes solid, and I roll end over end. Glimpses of light and dark spin with me, I finally go still, my body limp.

Flashing, flickering lights disturb the soft velvet night, while a song fills the space within the deafening silence. The same one I heard earlier. It feels surreal, like a distant dream.

'Relax child, you were there. But only didn't realize and you were scared.'

I blink, my eyes are blurry, a red haze covers my world, the song continues to play. We were listening to it. I remember laughing as my father began to sing along.

And then...

In the muted darkness, only the radio continues to play this haunting tune while hell unfolds around us.

A smell lingers in the air, burning rubber, gasoline, and blood.

It hurts to turn my head, I see my father. He is laying there staring at me, no expression on his face. His cheeks and neck scored with tiny cuts bleeding red. A dark trickle flows down from his scalp and falls across his unseeing eyes.

I scream. “Dad….dad…dad.’ Over and over. He doesn't respond, only that terrible empty stare that passes through me.

'Your dream's alive, ....will be watching over you...'

Harsh hands grab me, pulling me away from him, I scream and reach out as they drag me away...he is looking at me.

'I will protect you in the night ...I am smiling next to you, in silent lucidity.'

It is here that I wake up.

Every night it’s the same, every dream replays a lucid moment of me trying to make sense of it all. My heart beats fast as if trying to escape this tomb of a body. Like me it has no where to go. Morning light creeps through the window. Forcing me to live in this waking world. I am unsure which is worse, the day or night.

I force myself to move and continue trying. At first I didn't know how or why. But with each passing night I wake to a new day, and finally understand what I need to do. I catch a glint of light shining off the metal bar. Slowly I reach for it and after a few moment of struggling I slide onto my wheelchair and prepare to live another day.

For him.

**********************************************************

Thank you,

Jason

I often get inspiration from music, and have added lyrics into previous writings. I wrote this story knowing it needed a song to be the one constant throughout the piece to tie the everchanging and seemingly random dream structure together. That song stayed out of reach while I was writing. It wasn't until I finished the last sentence and re-read what I had written that I knew which song I was looking for. Plus the title, which I also did not have.

Silent lucidity by Queensryche:

Hush now, don't you cry

Wipe away the teardrop from your eye

You're lying safe in bed

It was all a bad dream spinning in your head

Your mind tricked you to feel the pain

Of someone close to you leaving the game of life

So here it is, another chance

Wide awake you face the day, your dream is over

Or has it just begun?