Cutting Back On Fat

I lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling, reevaluating myself and who I am. I think back at gym class, remembering how the cheerleaders look in their size small uniforms. I then imagine myself in my medium to large uniform, with my stubby thick legs, slightly larger arms, and large boobs (thank god), but then I think of my protruding gut. It juts out over the waistband of my gym shorts, hanging off the sides creating an unattractive muffin top.

At the time I thought nothing beyond smacking the preppy bitches in the face with a dodgeball but now that I sit by myself, it's as obvious as an elephant in a small room.

I have tried diets but I get too impatient to stick with them, I have tried lots of exercise but swim team only helps to an extent, and any other solution costs money. I start to imagine the process of liposuction, frowning at the image of a tube going inside me and sucking out all the fat that lies disgustingly inside my gut. I shake my head and push the thought from my head and imagine hiring a personal trainer, sure it's healthier to get one of those, working hard with someone knowledgable, but then I flinch at the memories of those weight loss shows and quickly dismiss it.

I frown at how nothing seems to be a quick easy solution for my gut, it wasn't even too much just forty out of my one hundred and seventy-five pound of fat shouldn't be this hard. When mom lectures me on how it wouldn't take long to lose the weight because of how young I am makes me just want to smack her.

I glance down and grab my stomach fat, squishing and pulling at it as if that was all I had to do to rid of the disgusting flesh. I ponder the thought, but instead, I imagine myself standing in my bathroom nude with a box cutter, nice and sharp. I then see myself slowly carving at my skin, peeling the layers of fat like butchers would with a lean piece of cowhide. The loose fat falls to the floor as I continue, slowly cutting away all the fat, making my stomach look smaller and smaller.

I finish by trimming access skin and then super gluing the skin together in a neat small fold on my side. I look in the mirror but see my legs, arms, and even under my neck; obviously not pleased I go for the knife again and start trimming my legs, tearing at my thick thighs, pulling the skin together before I move to my arms, then finally my neck, cutting the horrible double chin off me.

I finish by trimming the extra skin, gluing the skin together, and stare into the mirror, staring at the scars left behind but I quickly switch my gaze to my smaller form. Tears begin to fall from my eyes as I begin to sob in joy, seeing myself as someone beautiful, finally after all the years of self-loathing and self-ridicule. I spin around to see myself from all sides, feeling myself glow as I feel free, leaving the abandoned fat that fell from my body on the floor.

I open my eyes as I return from my daydream, looking back down at my stomach fat that I still held in my hands, still trapped under my skin. I feel numb at first, slowly growing angry until I finally stand up and run downstairs into the garage, snatching up a box cutter and running back to the bathroom and staring at myself in the mirror as I bring up the knife and press it against my stomach. I stay there for a few minutes, trying to convince myself I will be beautiful, ill finally be pretty but I just can't do it. I throw the knife against the wall and weep, pitifully I run to my room and tackle my body pillow, clinging tightly as I continue to cry in self-pity. Finally, I control myself, whipping my eyes dry and getting dressed in my usual pajamas, and headed downstairs to find my mom cooking.

" There's my baby girl, how is she feeling today?" she asks. I stand for a mere moment, thinking back on the almost suicide attempt I had almost committed, well I didn't think of it as a suicide, but thinking back on it that's what the result would have been. I force a smile " doing pretty good, just was playing a game....." I say with my happiest fake tone, hiding my inner despair. " that's nice dear."