13 Ghosts

13 Ghosts is a mediocre little entry in the cult-classic oeuvre directed by William Castle, a sort of third-rung Alfred Hitchcock who made the selling of gimmick pictures his raison d’être. Castle didn’t just make movies—he made events, most of them barely qualifying as cinema.

For instance, he sold life-insurance policies for some of his films to audience members who might be “scared to death” while watching pictures that just basically—or even barely—cut it. (Although I’ll confess to having a soft spot in my heart for The Tingler, which of course starred the incomparable and legendary Vincent Price.) Castle famously “shocked the asses” of audiences during The Tingler by wiring theater seats with electrical buzzers. I think. Let me check that.

Rasputin, the Mad Monk promised—Lord help us—a “free Rasputin beard!” Homicidal, along with the equally sleazy Glen or Glenda, pioneered the exploration of transvestic life in the latter Eisenhower era—Homicidal doing so in an extremely unflattering way—and even offered life insurance if anyone died of fright during the final few minutes. (Bitch please.)

I’m not entirely sure what gimmick Castle trotted out for Mr. Sardonicus, but you can bet your sweet ass it left a Mr. Sardonicus grin on everyone’s face—most especially Castle’s.

Lo, his real claim to cinematic fame is having produced Rosemary’s Baby, arguably the greatest advertisement for Satanism ever lensed. (At least according to the Black Pope himself, Anton LaVey, who made some dubious claims about being a “technical adviser” on the film and even wearing the Devil costume—claims now widely regarded as, ahem, erroneous.)

Getting back to it: 13 Ghosts is a basic kiddie “Old Dark House” romp a decade or two out of date. It plays like bad, bottom-rung Mary Roberts Rinehart and ends with a Scooby-Doo reveal that should have been left to fester in the rusted-over remains of the Mystery Machine.

13 Ghosts (1960) Original Trailer [FHD]

A family—the Zorbas (Donald Woods and Rosemary DeCamp)—with two kids named, incongruously, Buck and Medea (Charles Herbert and Jo Morrow, respectively) inherit a big spooky manor house, haunted because old man Zorba dabbled in spiritualist séances and experiments with the dead. The house comes complete with a live-in servant played by the original Wicked Witch herself, Margaret Hamilton. The movie is worth seeing for her alone.

The gimmick here—called Illusion-O—featured red and blue lenses that either let you “see” the ghosts or blot them out. Unlike 3D glasses, you didn’t look through both lenses at the same time. It’s pretty lame, but then the ghosts are mostly comic relief. The headless lion tamer is neat, but come on—the title promises thirteen ghosts, and I remember maybe three. Maybe.

Plot: Cyrus Zorba is a museum curator with crushing financial woes. While his wife is on the phone with him, movers repossess all their furniture in a scene meant to be comic. Despite holding what should be a plum museum job, Cyrus is broke—and suddenly inherits a haunted manse straight out of The Bat or "Scooby-Doo."

The family moves in and discovers the hauntings via a Ouija board (of course) and a pair of metal-framed glasses that allow the wearer to see ghosts—though now you can see them without glasses. They’re a sad lot: a headless lion tamer, a strongman, maybe a witch—I’ve slept since then.

There’s also a subplot where Medea falls for a young man (Martin Milner) who turns out to be a crook—one who looks suspiciously like he wandered over from House on Haunted Hill. Candles float on fishing wire. The crooked beau pretends to be a ghost to drive the family out and steal the hidden fortune. Full Scooby-Doo nonsense.

There’s more, I suppose. Margaret Hamilton finishes things out looking witchily witch-poo as the credits roll.

Yawn.

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