Yet I shall live...

Dear Vincent,

I shall die this day, having just given birth to the most lovely baby boy. My firstborn child.

I shall not name him, as that is for others to do, if he lives.

I write to you, Vincent to implore you to save my child’s life.

As you well know, your wife and I have been the best of friends from girlhood. Angelica is as a sister to me. And yet, this decision is not hers, but yours.

It is with the greatest shame that I approach you. And it brings me such agony to divulge the secrets of others but I must; if it will save my child.

I ask you to burn this letter after you have read and considered it.

Although you know me as your brothers wife, all is not as it seems. Solomon and I have remained childless for these seven long years of our marriage due to circumstances that have prevented us from consummating our marriage in the natural sense. I will say no more about the details of this, however please know that although Solomon and I have chosen to live as brother and sister these years, I love him very much as such. Both you and Solomon are good and pure hearted men and I am most fortunate to have known you and to have spent these years with your brother.

I so desperately wanted to be a mother and Solomon did not want to deprive me of that. Although I know this will be a shock to your system, and for that I am sorry, I must tell you that my baby boy is the child of our indentured farmhand, Malachi. This is no secret in our household, and it pains me to acknowledge it here, but I must. Solomon permitted this relationship and I believe it brought him happiness to allow me a part of life that he could not himself give me, including a child.

As you know, Malachi is a fairer complected African and of course, you and Solomon are both of dark coloring in skin, eyes and hair. With my lighter countenance, I daresay that this child appears to be the perfect blend of myself and Solomon and nobody would have thought otherwise. You should know also, that I do love Malachi very deeply and he is the only man I have ever known completely in the carnal sense. Again, I am truly grieved to share these shocking truths. But you must know that this boy is the son of a good man, a kind, intelligent and nurturing soul. Not unlike yourself and Solomon. They shall both know great sorrow in these tragic events. Not only in my absence, but the loss of new life in the household. Both of them welcomed this child.

I do not expect you to understand our circumstances, but I do pray that you will try to set those aside and to simply act in love to a situation that is filled with love all around.

I know in my heart that Angelica will so gladly and even proudly accept this child as one of her own. As girlhood secrets and promises swirl about me now, I grow weary and I indeed feel very old, although I am but a young woman. I recall a time in the Juniper trees, that you must bring to Angelica’s mind. It was not so long ago, though it feels a lifetime now. We promised each other many things that day, and one was about the raising of our babies if the other should die. It was a first day in the Spring of 1855, long before the start of the war. I can see Angelica now, in her pink pinafore, bending to pick the long stemmed purple wildflowers. She was, and remains a selfless and guileless creature and even then, I knew her promise to be true. And mine to her. I do not mean to bind you in this agreement, and I cannot. But I appeal to your good and gentle heart. Human to human, as the blood seeps away from me and returns me to the earth, an empty shell that just hours ago, cradled this beautiful boy within.

I shall tell you, I dreamed of him last night. And it seems so very real. I hold it as truth in my heart; that he will grow into someone very prominent. Someone that all will know, and he shall do great things for many. And none shall know his heritage save those who raised him.

I know you have questions, Vincent; and that this revelation and this inquiry will be very difficult. I wish I could say more. But just as there are girlhood secrets that must be held in sacred silence forever, there are secrets also within a marriage, even if that marriage was never consummated. Do not judge your brother harshly, I beg. Whether for the circumstances of our childlessness, or for the choices made that led to the birth of this child.

Look upon this innocent boy, Vincent, and see in his eyes the future that was taken from so many of us. From those on the battlefield, who died clutching mud streaked photos of young wives at home, to the young wives themselves who died bringing life to the future. He is not your blood, and this I know. But he need not know it.

You may ask why I have chosen to be so forthcoming with you, and it is this: Solomon cannot raise a child on his own, but neither would he deceive you, his beloved brother by telling you that the child is his when it is not. And how could he tell you the truth? Or even worse, the reason for the truth? These dark truths would surely be the death of my child. You are his only hope.

I take my leave of this world, leaving my son’s very life in the hands of not fate, but of you. Mark my words on this day, he will grow to make you proud. He will live and die and grow old beneath a canopy of secrets that will die before his grandchildren live. And history repeats. Over and over again, Vincent. The sins of our fathers and of our youth...you remember of which I speak. Our once unbridled passions and a love that could not be. The branch of thorny rose, the hemlock tree.

Think of me growing as a willow by the water even as this boy grows as a steadfast Oak in the clearing by the spring-house. Near the Hemlock tree. Bury me there; and never forget.

I die, yet I shall live on in this child. I leave you my heart and my love forever.

Lucia