Hearts in Hiding

November 13, 1943

Amsterdam, The Netherlands

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Dearest Edith,

It saddens my heart terribly that this will be the last letter I am able to send you. Klaas flew into a rage today and I fear he will betray us if he has not already. His parents have been very generous to me, but with the scarcity another mouth to feed is something he says he will no longer abide. I will have to leave tonight and hope that the cover of darkness is enough to shield me from detection. I will go to the country and see if there is any farmer still willing to hide a man of strong body in his barn.

Though I am terrified to the core, I won’t lie to you, I look forward to the breeze on my face and the chance to stretch my legs beyond the boundaries of this windowless room. It’s been over a year since I’ve been outside. The time passes so slowly with these endless days of confinement and quiet. That’s the fickle thing isn’t it? Time. I wish so very dearly that we’d been afforded just a little more of it before these devils took power. A month or two more and we could have married. Imagine, my love, the measure of ease to this suffering if we could endure it together. I kiss your photo each night and it brings a bit of comfort, but how I yearn to caress the soft skin of your cheek and inhale the scent of your hair. There was always a hint of lavender which now lingers in my memories.

The day I received that summons our dreams were completely derailed. I suspected there was no safety in cooperating and I’m glad you and your sister heeded my advice. No one among us expected our desperate situation to persist as long as it has, but I daresay we should have foreseen it. It is the pattern of our ancestors to be at the mercy of nations led by power hungry men. But if we can just survive, Edith, there must be an end to this.

If I have one regret it’s that I didn’t sweep you up in my arms and carry you to the courthouse the day before the summons came. I never told you but I considered it. Albert had already received his and I supposed mine was on its way. I knew it would have been scandalous but think how little that would matter now.

We didn’t know how fortunate we were when this separation began. Though it is maddening to be apart, we’ve been spared the grief that so many others have experienced. How blessed we were to know such good-hearted people who were willing to shelter us. I hope we never come to fully know the extent of our good fortune. With the information we’ve gleaned over this past year we know that those who did not go into hiding have met terrible fates. No matter how oppressive this seclusion becomes you must remain exceedingly careful, my Edith. The limp that persists with you from that bicycle accident will make you a poor candidate for labor and I fear that if you are discovered your captors will have no use for you.

It brings me a great deal of peace to know that Mrs. Entjes is a guardian angel of the highest caliber. You could not find a better Christian woman to be your provider of refuge. She may be advanced in years but her will is one of iron and she will not risk endangering you. I am glad too that your sister is with you and that she no longer vexes you as she once did. Be glad of the companionship for the loneliness is great without it as I have come to learn.

I know you will not want to read this next part, but I must implore you, my love. If I am taken by the devils and do not live to see the day our current oppression ends, I have hidden my mother’s jewelry somewhere safe. I did so before we went into hiding. The instructions for retrieving them are in the place where we first met in the pages of the one book that they’ll never burn and never open. You know there are a number of fine pieces that you should be able to sell for a large sum. Then you can go to America and leave the hate of this continent behind. I hope the day it spreads across the Atlantic is one that another generation will have to contend with. For we have been afflicted with more than our share.

If Mrs. Entjes has any sweets to spare, be sure to give one to Hendrik. He has been a most faithful messenger to carry our letters back and forth. We should never have sent them but I admit I am glad we did. Your letters will be what I treasure most in the days to come.

If you’ve finished reading Eline Vere, I suggest you start Max Havelaar if Mrs. Entjes has a copy. Occupy your mind and give it a chance to escape the attic even if your body cannot. Though you cannot send them to me, keep writing letters. One day you can give them to me in person.

Be brave, Edith. Know that I will do everything in my power to preserve my life so that one day we can be reunited. Every night I will fall asleep with a smile on my face as I envision you in white lace smiling at me in that beguiling way of yours. I do not want to stop writing, not when the uncertainty of when I will next hear your voice or read your neat lines threatens to overwhelm me. I love you, my dear. I will find you when this is over. It will end. It has to. Until then, keep yourself safe and know that I carry you with me in my heart wherever I go.

All my love,

Robert