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Cuneiform Cuddlies

Ancient spite and spittle

By Anton CranePublished 11 months ago 6 min read

While Artificial Intelligence (AI) has granted scholars the chance to decipher the previously burnt scrolls of Herculaneum near Mt. Vesuvius, an increasing amount of study has been dedicated to the fragments of tablets chiseled in the dialect Akkadian language of standard Babylonia. One of the tablets was missing most of the text, having been broken into previously indecipherable fragments. By applying AI to these fragments, a series of love letters has been revealed between Gilgamesh, the demigod king of Uruk, and Ishtar, the Anunnaki goddess of love, war and fertility.

What follows is the most comprehensive translation of their correspondence to each other, with numerous gaps filled in by AI's interpretation set in the context of similar Babylonian texts:

Tablet 1: from Ishtar:

“My most dearly beloved Gilgamesh, whom I love dearly and hope to continue our correspondence into the wee hours of the night, I offer you my blessings of love, war, and rich fertility. Please accept and respond to my words made immortal in stone. Yours forever and beyond, Ishtar.”

Tablet 2: from Gilgamesh:

“Oh divine Ishtar, I am blinded by your beauty and…(gap filled in by AI) complete lack of empathy for the suffering of thy multitudes by the latest disaster unleashed by the vengeful Gods…(continued translated text) how can I avoid displeasing you in the light of the fate of your most recent suitors? Please accept and respond to my words made immortal in stone. Yours…(gap filled in by AI) trying to remain alive and not tortured for seven and seven times for the sake of my kingdom…(continued translated text), Gilgamesh.”

Tablet 3: from Ishtar:

“Oh most dearly beloved Gilgamesh, none of them were close to being half the man that you are. Why should you worry when you are so clearly favored by the Gods, and by a certain Goddess of love, war, and rich fertility? You are 2/3 divine, are you not? I'm dazzled by tales of your enormous strength and legendary stamina. You have earned the attention and love of me, who is beyond compare to anyone you have yet loved and shall love. Yours forever and not one to tease, Ishtar.”

Tablet 4: from Gilgamesh:

“Oh divine Ishtar, I have duties to perform through the next moon, and I fear that I will not be able to give you the attention your divine self richly deserves. I have no desire to…(gap filled in by AI) be killed, tortured, or maimed beyond human recognition…(continued translated text) in the event that I am seen as a failure by you as a lover or through our correspondence, painstakingly rendered on these tablets by my loyal scribes. Devoted to your worship, Gilgamesh.”

Tablet 5: from Ishtar:

“Oh most dearly beloved Gilgamesh, how is it your 2/3 divine self…(gap filled in by AI) has not learned how to delegate tasks to the lesser humans that you rule? For a man who claims to be 2/3 divine you are not fulfilling your potential to be a lord of lesser beings. With a mere shake of my sumptuous hips I've made Gods into quivering fractions of their former selves. I know you will not suffer their dismemberment. Come to me and cover me with kisses, lest I shall be annoyed with thee. I'm killing one of your loyal scribes just to show my growing displeasure…(continued translated text). Yours and only yours forever, Ishtar.”

Tablet 6: from Gilgamesh:

“Oh divine Ishtar, while I understand how you may equate a loyal scribe as being like one of my less important fingers and toes, I assure you that I valued him highly and I mourn his loss, especially since his killing was done purely out of what appears to be spite to focus my attention on you and you alone. While I have to give you points for creativity in his demise…(gap filled in by AI) having his life snuffed out by having him crushed by a collision of runaway donkey carts filled with questioning concubines in your temple while flirting with one of your priestesses such that only his lips remained intact and everything else was…gooey…(continued text) it definitely shows your divine hand. But it also raises my concerns about entering into a relationship with you. In the event of your further displeasure, shall I suffer a similar fate? Devoted to you entirely, Gilgamesh.”

Tablet 7: from Ishtar:

“Oh my most dearly beloved Gilgamesh, I have plagues at my beck and call to demonstrate my displeasure with your doddering…(gap filled in by AI). Just take me already! There is clearly something about your 2/3 divinity that makes my heart melt at the thought of being alone with you and all our collective scribes, chiseling and preserving for eternity documentation of our passion for each other. I have a personal scribe for each of my moods, but now my scribe for impatience has bloodied hands as he etches yet another pleading missive to you and your 2/3 godliness, which I so wish to explore. Don't make me tell my dad, Anu, on you. I’ve heard that tales of your wondrous deeds have reached even his ears and he's looking to knock you down a few pegs, which makes me want you even more. By the way, I just killed another of your scribes…(continued text). Yours obsessively, Ishtar.”

Tablet 8: from Gilgamesh:

“Oh most delusional Ishtar, your killing of my latest scribe pains me, quite literally pains me, because I have no more scribes at my disposal and now I'm forced to chisel my own way to a greater understanding between us. Naturally, tales of your growing displeasure have circulated among potential scribes and no one wants to take the job. All of my subjects think it is your curse. It could have something to do with how this last one died…(gap filled in by AI) being accidentally dismembered by two of your priestesses juggling swords between them and losing control of the swords in his direction while having other priestesses accidentally spill flaming oil on his genitals and having still more priestesses release flatulence in his direction so that he exploded and all that was left was something…gooey…(continued text). While I may have had slight interest in you before, none of that interest remains and I have to ask you to leave me and those I love alone. I have to add that I fear the wrath of your father far less than I fear you. Dismissively, Gilgamesh.”

Tablet 9, from Ishtar:

“Oh most previously beloved and now most despised Gilgamesh, my heart has stopped beating because of you and your wretchedness…(gap filled in by AI). In the absence of my beating heart, a blackness has taken its place and its presence cascades over my entire countenance. Now all I think of is how to add misery and despair to your life and your kingdom. I'm unleashing every plague I have on the fertile fields of Uruk and I will leave you and your kingdom as the wasteland such that I describe my heart. I will have my father release the Bull of Heaven to destroy you and your kingdom. I don't expect satisfaction from your demise, I demand it…(continued text). Yours in my utter hatred of thee, Ishtar.”

What follows next in the course of the previously translated tablets is Ishtar blocks Gilgamesh from entering her temple in his revenge for her killing of his scribes. Later, Ishtar demands the Bull of Heaven from her father, Anu, to trample over Uruk. Anu initially refuses to release the Bull, fearing the wake of its destruction and the seven years of decay released on Uruk more than his daughter, but Ishtar throws a tantrum and threatens to whine to all the other deities of the universe. At that point, Anu hands over the Bull and Ishtar unleashes it on Uruk. Later, Gilgamesh brings in his buddy, Enkidu, and together they are able to slay the Bull.

Tablet 10, from Gilgamesh:

“Oh most beautifully spiteful Ishtar, as much as it didn't surprise me…(gap filled in by AI) that you actually followed through in your desire to wreak divine destruction on my kingdom through the Bull of Heaven’s rampage, it shouldn't surprise you that I and my friend Enkidu slaughtered the Bull and my kingdom ate well for the next seven days, plus the parades and now the yearly festival where we throw pieces of thigh meat at effigies of you, to recount Enkidu's insult of you where he debased you as the sniveling harlot that you are. Now we celebrate our collective insult of you and laugh openly at your divine judgement. All my citizens sing their praises of my greatness. With this level of love surrounding me, I have no need of yours…(continued text). Dissing you and your beauty forever, Gilgamesh.”

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About the Creator

Anton Crane

St. Paul hack trying to find his own F. Scott Fitzgerald moment, but without the booze. Lives with wife, daughter, dog, and an unending passion for the written word.

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