The Hellfire Gala & Mutant Fashion - Ranked (Part one)

Marvel has put the X-Men, and really all of mutant kind, through some seriously terrible times lately. There was a giant interdimensional tournament series of fights to the death last year that ultimately culminated in not a whole lot besides a new mutant population on Earth that wants nothing to do with anyone. It was called X of Swords, and I highly recommend it. Since then the mutants of Krakoa have kind of just been doing their own things, and that's been great to see. The first official X-Men team in over a year has finally come together, the X-Corp is selling drugs from its flying island or whatever, Shadow King is being predictably shitty and creepy towards children... The point is that things aren't all that bad right now, and so it only makes sense that the Hellfire Trading Company would throw an elegant and extravagant Gala event to showcase to the rest of the world just how great being a mutant is. That brings us to now, about two weeks before this whole crossover events starts.

Marvel recently released a free Hellfire Gala Guide, and within its pages lie the designs for every single mutant that was invited. All of these designs are incredible, and I cannot express how excited I was to see what had clearly been a blast for the artists who created them. There is even a jaw dropping connecting cover set by Russell Dauterman that I couldn't take my eyes off of for several minutes. Of course, this being a Gala event hosting only the most influential of mutant kind, who themselves are all dressed to impress while walking the green carpet, it all adds up to the sort of thing that requires a fashion critic.

I am not a fashion critic. I am going to critique this fashion.

To do so I am going to be using a ten point scale (rounded to the nearest tenth) that is averaged from three other ten point scales, each judging based on individual criteria. For those with more than one look for the evening, all outfits will be scored individually and then averaged again. First, I will be examining each of these outfits based on their artistic and aesthetic merits with no other contributing factors. Second, I will be comparing each outfit to its wearer's previous costumes in the comics. Film and television costumes don't often inform any character's look in print, so that won't be considered, but someone wearing what is effectively the same thing they've had on for the past thirty years (looking at you, Mister Sinister) isn't getting a pass just because they're tidy. Finally, I'll be invoking the spirit of the late, great Joan Rivers with an offering of imbibed liquor and cannabis so that she might use me as a vessel to decimate the self esteem of fictional characters. I've never done that last part before, but I'm almost certain that you can't channel Joan Rivers sober.

With all that said, let's kick things off with the green carpet looks from Russell Dauterman's stunning variant covers:

Rachel Summers

Rachel Summers' past, present, and future are all far too convoluted and inconsistent to get into here, especially considering they don't even come in that order. That doesn't matter. What does matter is her outfit, which somehow has both just so much and absolutely nothing going on. The sheen, spikes, heels, other spikes, claws, other spikes, titty spikes, and face spikes all say "I take social distancing very seriously," which I like, but they're boring, which I hate. The pet whatchacallit being kept on a leash made from braided human hair is exciting. The giant rat tail is empowering. The additional spikes are boring.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says she hates it so much that she loves it.

Final score: 8.5

Kate Pryde

Kate Pryde is remarkable. I was born in 1987, raised on comic books, and right now my day job is writing about those comic books. Seeing the transformations that Kate Pryde has gone through, from Kitty to Shadowcat and back again to now has been nothing but remarkable. She has not only taken a firm hold on her new place in the world, but it's the place that she decided for herself, and with her Hellfire Gala look she is completely emracing it. This is fierce, stunning, and remarkable. I'm going to keep using that word to describe her, because it's just what she is to her very core.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says the dress is pushing it with the asymmetric collar and sleeves, and that the face tattoo is stupid, but that the diamond hairpins are worth killing for.

Final score: 9.0

Wolverine

Laura Kinney's journey from X-23 to Wolverine has been a devastating one, and there is no doubt that she has both earned her father's mantle and is keeping his legacy well alive. She has also left no doubt that she is the best dressed in the family, and her ensemble for the Gala proves it. It is simple yet elegant, with sharp lines giving way to gentle curves and a design that pays homage to the title she now so proudly carries. The gloves and boots come across as more practical than fashionable considering who is wearing them, but the open back and wraparound choker collar show that Wolverine isn't afraid to flaunt her sexy side a little bit once all her other bases are covered.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers wants to know what an X-23 is and whether or not she can buy those claws on QVC.

Final score: 8.5

Jean Grey

Jean Grey looks great. Jean Grey does not look stunning. There are so many things that work on the surface with this outfit, but on closer inspection they begin to fall apart. Why does this look like something she would wear on a field mission? Why the buckle piece with no belt? Why is the cape just so wide at the bottom but narrow enough up top that it is completely hidden by her petite frame? Why the floating gold shards around your face when the entire planet is well aware of your abilities and we can already see them at work even without the gaudy bits of flare?

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says that she looks nice and her hair is immaculate, so she's going to be uncharacteristically nice and go with 8.

Final score: 7.0

Cyclops

Cyclops suffers from the exact same problems that Jean does on the green carpet. Seemingly random blocks of yellow accentuate his abs, ankles, and the palms of his hands against a deep blue-black suit. The red abs are unnecessary, the collar is ridiculous, and the near full face visor is yet another in a long series of fashion faux pas when it comes to that, the most iconic part of any of his looks. And that's the worst part. This, just like Jean's outfit, looks like something that would pass for a new X-Men team costume. It just doesn't stand out as Gala worthy, which is really more frustrating than anything else. Of course, at this point that's just par for the course when it comes to how Scott dresses himself. He really should just be taking pointers from Emma at every single turn.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says he's wearing his facemask more incorrectly than people who don't understand why they aren't being allowed into Trader Joe's.

Final score: 5.7

Emma Frost

Emma Frost is incapable of being anything other than exquisite. The woman with skin made of diamond hits the green carpet in spiked heels with platforms made of impossibly massive diamonds with glistening half-gloves cover her fingers. There is no fabric to this looks, as long, thin strands of (you guessed it) diamonds drape over her otherwise nude body, itself shimmering like some goddess from an erotic fairy tale. This presumably comes after shedding the massive, windowed fur coat and diamond crown look seen below.

As impeccable as this is, it doesn't come with nearly the same kind of wow factor as the first look showcased here. Her final costume change of the evening, however, is something else entirely.

The silk onesie and cuffed fur cape are nearly as stunning as the woman wearing them, even if it is the diamond lips that are the clear winner of this particular ensemble. The crown is an interesting choice. Not necessarily a great choice, but it's far better than the last one we saw, not to mention it is both a literal and symbolic status symbol. One which ensures that everyone in attendance is well aware of where the White Queen is seated at any given time.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says she wants comic books to be real now and that I finally have her undivided attention. I... I guess she wasn't really listening before? I don't know, it seemed like she was giving pretty solid input. I'm going to go get another drink before I tally up these scores.

Final score: 8.8

Storm

Storm has been leader of the X-Men, the Morlocks, the Queen of Wakanda and revered as a literal goddess among the people she grew up with. All of these things are represented here in a breathtaking display of power, beauty, grace, and elegance. The heels are quite possibly the most beautiful shoes I have ever seen in my life, even if they do look impossible to walk in. The bracelets and necklace that folds into the giant shoulder and neck piece are all stunning. Her hair folding into the storm clouds that she emanates is at the same time too much and leaves you wanting more. The fact that all of these things are accomplished with such resounding success while still very obviously calling back to so many of her various looks throughout the years easily makes it stand out even among such a gorgeous crowd. Storm has done everything right that Jean and Scott did wrong. She didn't just bring the thunder, she commands it.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says she's still paying attention and she currently has no plans to leave. I'm feeling better about myself now, but way worse about myself when this all started. I didn't think the Ghost of Joan Rivers would be so mean. Not to me, at least.

Final score: 9.3

Rogue

This is by far the best look that Rogue has ever had. I know that it's for the Hellfire Gala, but come on, it's almost perfect. Sure, the belt is not phenomenal, and the asymmetrical standing collar is too conservative of a look when it emanates from a jacket that stops just south of nipple city, but the floral lace covering her midriff and arms is just too perfect. How has that not become the standard for the character?! Rogue is gorgeous and she can't touch people, yada yada, that's her schtick. This lets her show off the goods, keep those around her safe, and sneak some of her own personal flare through by choosing how to use it. As always, Rogue's hair is perfect. The sunglasses are just fine at absolute worst.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers wants to know why the White Snake backup dancer is wearing sunglasses at seven o'clock in the evening.

Final score: 8.2

Captain Britain

Betsy Braddock has always exemplified dignity and grace as Captain Britain, and some very uncomfortable undertones regarding colonialism and fetishizing minorities while inhabiting the body of an Asian woman for just way too fucking long (Google 'Psylocke'). Now that she is back to her old self, she is determined to make a stunning appearance at the Gala to remind everyone just how worthy of her various titles she is. Unfortunately, this mock Lolita version of her normal costume just doesn't hit the mark. It isn't a bad look, but there is too much going on in all the wrong places for it to make the sort of lasting impact that is regarded with a fondness for it beauty over its gaudiness. For as many individual pieces of this look as there are to admire, there are just as many that cannot be overlooked.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says this new Golden Girls reboot looks like the best Marvel show to date.

Final score: 5.8

Angel

Warren Worthington III has always been one of the most naturally gorgeous members of any X-Team that he found himself among the ranks of, even if he has made some objectively questionable fashion choices over the years. At the Hellfire Gala, much like during his "halo" phase, his looks do not make up for the slightly experimental yet ultimately drab wardrobe. The split cape is cute, not good. The shoes are a choice. The pleated parachute pants are unforgiveable. What's worse, is that Warren as of right now is fully in control of his transformations from Angel to Archangel and back again. Why would he not play around with that beyond a single line in the middle of his forehead? You're the God damn face of a multinational corporation now, Warren! Dress like you give a shit.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says whatever cult he's a part of should fix their stylist a glass of Kool-Aid.

Final score: 4.7

Penance

Monet St. Croix, the other half of X-Corp's leading half, has done everything that Angel didn't. That is to say she dressed herself in more than eight minutes. Unlike many of her fellow Gala guests, M hasn't had all that many looks over the years, even if her career in the comics has spanned almost three decades at this point. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially not when the basic principles of one design can be teased and toyed with to create something as breathtaking as this dress. The wrapped boots under the sheer skirt might be the best part if it weren't for the way that M has chosen to use her natural abilities to give herself a crown that doesn't distract nor prove detrimental to her chosen aesthetic for the evening.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says she's never wanted to fuck a peacock before, and she isn't sure she wants to now, but that it's still giving her some sort of questionable feelings.

Final score: 8.7

Nightcrawler

It would be too easy to rag on Nightcrawler's ensemble for the Gala based on this particular image alone. The dynamic pose is great for a comic book cover, but it does his fashion choices a huge disservice by making him look like some sort of mariachi band cowboy as opposed to what it is that he is truly trying to convey. And that's too bad because it. Is. Fabulous.

This design by Bob Quinn makes it much more clear that Nightcrawler has come to the Gala dressed to impress in something that calls back to his highflying adventures during his pirate phase. Kurt Wagner has always been a fan of Errol Flynn in particular, something that has always informed his own costumes to one degree or another. The way that he has embraced that passion for his runway look is nothing short of drastic, but only in the best ways possible. The asymmetric cape and the long coat might not be everyone's cup of tea, but they are more than just a fashion statement. They're a reminder of a simpler time in mutant history.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says she hates the cap and the hat is stupid but that whoever did Nightcrawler's makeup needs to be making blockbuster movies.

Final score: 8.5

And now onto everyone else...

The next few designs by Matteo Lolli are set to be featured in Maruaders #21, and they include both one of the most daring failures and one of the most unexpected stars of the evening.

Bishop

This isn't a bad look for Bishop, though it is hard to call it Gala worthy. Even if it isn't black tie or gaudy to the point of pretentious, the clean, tidy, intimidating ensemble is one that fits Bishop in every way, and the strategically draped chains around the arms and thighs add a certain je n'est se quoi that it might feeling hollow without. The jacket also clearly signifies Bishop's recent time with the Marauders, and helps to give him something more of a place in the present than he is used to.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers wants to know why Bishop left the rave so early and if he is still holding.

Final score: 8.2

Banshee

Oh, Banshee. What the shit even happened here? You are wearing THREE COLLARS to the HELLFIRE GALA. That is FUCKING HORRID. Banshee has never been the snappiest dresser, and this look is clearly calling back to his typical superhero garb, but that classic style was bad when it was good, and it is still bad now. Not only that, but brown loafers with no socks underneath all of whatever that is feels like a slap in the face. I'm not even sure that he knows he is wearing a tie. As in I'm pretty sure he just forgot to take that off when he changed out of whatever normal clothes he had been wearing previously.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says that three collars on one outfit is an indicator of a weak bloodline that will die out in the next two hundred years.

Final score: 4.8

Iceman

It took me a while to determine whether I love or hate this au natural ensemble, and in the end I've decided it's the former. Apart from the dreadful yet potentially necessary shades, there is nothing on Bobby's body that isn't itself technically part of Bobby's body, much like what Emma put together for the green carpet. This is a power dress, plain and simple, something that not only lets Iceman take charge of his sexuality but his image as an Omega-Level mutant as well. Bobby doesn't need to buy platform shoes or elegant jewelry when he can form them from but a thought, and he doesn't need to deal with anyone else's shit if he feels like icing over the entire planet to shut them up.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says she wants to see him carve himself into a Christmas tree next.

Final score: 8.8

Pyro

Somehow, no one saw this coming, even though Pyro quite literally commands hot fire. There is no excuse for him to be this smoking when he has historically been a relatively unexciting and less than erotic figure. Over the course of his time with the Marauders, Pyro has proven to be more than anyone expected of him, though, and that has certainly been further exemplified here. He's strong, chic, open, inviting, intimidating, and sultry all at once in this slightly provocative suit that Guy Fieri no doubt owns several of himself. He has also done what Banshee failed to do by making otherwise normal shoes work with the Gala style.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says there is nothing hotter than a man in a good suit who is also partially on fire or at least controlling it.

Final score: 9.3

Sebastian Shaw

Sebastian Shaw isn't one to ever show up to an important occasion underdressed, and the Hellfire Gala is no exception. Even if he is the mutant equivalent of a pond scum billionaire, the Black King of the Hellfire Trading Company is dressed the part of any title that someone wants to give him in his brilliant blue suit adorned with gold medals and chains which glisten against the rest of his outfit. The tie and fur play nicely together with the blues and golds, and like Pyro before him Shaw has made comfortable footwear classy.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers just found out what Sebastian Shaw did to Kate and she wants to change her answer to zero. I'm tempted to let her, but for the sake of this article's integrity we're sticking with her original eight point five.

Final score: 8.3

The next round of designs come courtesy of Joshua Cassara for X-Force #20, and all fit the general tone that the team has carried over the years to fitting effect for an event such as the one at hand.

Logan

Logan's fashion sense has waxed and waned over the years, though it has never been bad, even when it was objectively not good. That said, he is about as dapper as ever in this bespoke suit clearly built just as much for combat as it is for keeping a tight fit throughout the evening. Though there isn't much in the way of personal touches, the bolo tie does the work of several accoutrements on a more complex suit.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers is back on where she can get her own hidden claws again. I told her they don't sell them anywhere, and if they did it wouldn't QVC, so then she asked about HSN and I honestly don't even know if that's still a thing. I haven't had cable in years.

Final score: 8.5

Domino

And now we see the theme in full. These are one hundred percent combat ready suits. The bolo tie was a lie, it's part of the whole thing. There is a very serious part of me that wants to take points away from Logan's score for this betrayal, but I can't bring myself to do so. Everyone just looks too good. It reminds me of Grant Morrison's New X-Men run with Frank Quitely in the early 2000's. I know a lot of people hated those suits, but something about them just spoke to fourteen year old me (who was dumb). Maybe it's nostalgia, maybe it's the sleek style, maybe it's the bolo ties. Whatever it is, I'm not going to change things now. Everyone with pouches gets half a point deducted from their final score. Other than that everyone is scoring the same as Logan did. Now let's here what our guest judge thinks about all of this.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers say she doesn't get it, but she's willing to let me do whatever if it means she gets to take five.

Final score: 8.0

Kid Omega

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says she liked the pouches better on the other woman's thigh.

Final score: 8.0

Beast

The Ghost of Joan Rivers wants to know why Beast is the only one who got cufflinks with corners on them.

Final score: 8.5

Sage

Okay, hold on a minute. I know I was scoring everyone on this team the same, but Sage is doing things differently enough that she at least warrants a quick rereview. The deep V and high slit are fare more revealing than what Domino's version of the suit had to offer, and the strapped heels are the first shoes we have seen from this lineup which aren't built for fighting. The pouch being relocated to her belt and incorporated into the dress as opposed to having been slapped on top of it means that points aren't being taken away for that this time. Let me run the numbers while Joan weighs in on this recent development.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers is wondering if I'm sure that Sage is with the rest of X-Force. Wait... no. She just spotted the bolo tie.

Final score: 9.3

Professor Xavier

Professor Xavier's blinding gold and white suit is easily the loudest of the night, even compared to Emma's diamond on diamond nearly nude ensemble. The highly detailed gold boots and gauntlets come across as something less than sanctimonious even for all their unnecessary glimmer, though the chains are less passable on their own. A gilded Cerebro is a nice touch, and at the very least it matches the rest of it.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers wants to know what kind of horrible accident Mister T's nephew was in.

Final score: 8.5

Following X-Force are Stephen Segovia's designs featured in Hellions #12.

Havok

This is a neat look for Havok, but it doesn't give up any playfulness in exchange. The print on Havok's robe is immaculate, as well as indicative of his own powers and iconography throughout the majority of is career. All in all, it's kind of boring without being objectively bad, and that's more than alright for someone who isn't having too much fun with it.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers left to go get a drink. That's what she told me, at least, but I don't think ghosts can do that. I'm not sure... what?

Final score: 8.0 (assuming the Ghost of Joan Rivers scored an 8 as well)

Exodus

Again with the shoes. What the fuck is even on your feet, Exodus?! I don't understand. Listen, nothing about this is bad, but you look like what someone from the twelfth century thinks an important person in the twenty-first century would dress like and... you know what? It's fine. That's literally what you are, and I'm not giving it a pass, but I get it.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers still isn't here, but I heard a cackle from across the room and I think I heard her shout "four."

Final score: 5.3

Psylocke

Now this is a return to form compared to the last cosplay accident. Psylocke's understated dress literally blossoms when you least expect it, bringing her Gala style to life and making anyone whose gaze catches it unable to look away. The raw sensuality that Psylocke has always put on full display is somewhat subdued here, but still, it is the dress that draws the eyes away from anything else. That fact is almost a shame, really, because Psylocke is picture perfect in every way for her Gala appearance, only losing points at all because the Ghost of Joan Rivers says it's too busy.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says she doesn't like to repeat herself and threatened to sue me.

Final score: 9.3

Mister Sinister

I said it before, and I'll say it again, this is just Mister Sinister in a bigger cape. It's the same look he has had since he first showed up. Nobody really liked him then, and nobody really likes him now. He's just such a fucking dick, y'know. Anyways... It's fine, I guess. It's just boring for someone with so much potential and who holds their own image in such high regard that cloning himself is an act of muscle memory at this point.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers said something that sounds an awful lot like a slur, but I don't know what it means and I'm not going to repeat it.

Final score: 5.3

Mystique

Mystique's mystifying style is the highlight of Stephen Segovia's designs, and she is well on her way to being a contender for top spot on this list. Knowing Mystique, the question of whether or not she might be more nude than she appears is always worth asking, but it doesn't actually matter in this instance for how immaculate the dress is regardless of its origins. Mystique is the bitch that every Disney villain has ever wished they could be. She is the evil step mother that has caused countless therapy sessions and mommy issues. She is the new big goth vampire mommy.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says it should have been a giant perm.

Final score: 9.5

Coming up are the designs featured in Excalibur #21 by Marcus To.

Gambit

Gambit is flaunting a very new take on his signature style for the Hellfire Gala in an open suit with striking patterns that are, as so many others have done for the evening, modeled after his own powers. The clean if not casual look is brought back to Gambit's roots with an over the shoulder floor length trench coat that might not be doing him any favors besides framing the rest of the fit while also toning it down a notch or two. Gambit is also another prime example of how a poor choice of shoes could have tanked the entire ensemble.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says she can't decide whether she likes the trench coat or not, but she hates the way that he is misrepresenting Hank Azaria's character from The Birdcage.

Final score: 7.2

Rictor

Rictor is showing off for the evening even while keeping himself as covered as possible. What would otherwise be an intriguing if somewhat mundane appearance is brought to vibrant life with the root and floral patterns creeping across his suit and cape. There isn't anything here that breaks new ground when it comes to fashion, but when it come to mutant fashion, this is one of the most direct translations of a more classical human aesthetic, and it carries over so very, very well.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers wants to know when the Green Hornet started selling weed and if she can borrow $30.

Final score: 8.0

Monarch

James Braddock Jr. aka Monarch has gone in a far different direction than his sister Betsy, even if both styles attract attention in their stark contrast to most others attending the Gala. This isn't far from many of Monarch's past costumes, but the blinding contrast and tiny, accentuating details keep one's eyes on this particular Braddock far longer than he deserves. And then you see the fucking shoes. They're just not very good, Jimmy, you third rate Captain Britain.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says she's going to give him a six for going all in on the whole "Casper is registered on a list that his neighbors are legally obligated to be informed of" vibe.

Final score: 7.3

Gloriana

There are classic looks, and then there are classical literature looks, and Gloriana's dress for the evening is far more on the latter end of that spectrum than most would probably want to wear. Then again, she is part fae, and she is married to Brian Braddock, so the whole renaissance fair flare makes perfect sense. There is nothing that I hate about this dress, just as there is nothing that I particularly love about it. I'm going to go ahead and say that there are at least two very easy improvements that could be made, and that if they were I would be scoring this dress very highly, very quickly. With that said...

The Ghost of Joan Rivers says the trim is her favorite part because it means she doesn't have to look at the rest of it.

Final score: 7.3

Jubilee

Here again we have another example of a design based on the wearer's powers rather than any specific look that they have relied on over the years. Like Gambit's suit, that fact could very easily be lost on someone who doesn't know the person underneath the clothes, but Jubilee's dress is one that would not look out of place at any formal affair beyond the Hellfire Gala. There is nothing about it that screams "mutant," but everything about it does scream. The palate used is one that I want everything in my office painted in just so I can surround myself with that sort of playful and invigorating warmth.

The Ghost of Joan Rivers said something really, genuinely sweet, but she told me not to repeat it or she would go full poltergeist on all of my shit.

Final score: 9.2

So, here's the thing. This article is going to have to be a two part very special episode type of deal. I tried to finish it as a single entry, and it is too long to save on this format. That happens. So as soon as this half is published, the second will be submitted, and I really hope you all go find it to complete the experience. Joan and I will be back soon, and we would love it if you were back here with us. I would. She's completely indifferent, if not a little irritated.

John Dodge can be found writing about comic books over at CBR.com. He can also be found on Twitter here, occasionally here, and on Facebook here. He also has an Instagram account. If you would like to support the author directly, the best way to do so is with tips, right here on Vocal. I mean, it isn't the BEST way to do so, but for legal and ethical purposes I'm saying that it is. The second best way to support your favorite authors is to share their work and follow them on social media. Again, it isn't, but legal and ethics blah blah blah.