Man Bites Dog Screenplay

MAN BITES DOG

LOG LINE- A comedy about a single head in the clouds nerd in his mid-thirties, and his semi youtube famous talking dog, they navigate everyday life from the hassle of laundry day to being arrested and everything along the way; Sometimes your dog can be an ass hole and a horrible roommate, but always mans best friend.

EXT: OUTSIDE A NICE APARTMENT COMPLEX MIDSUMMER JOHNSON COUNTY KANSAS AS THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON A FIRST FLOOR WINDOW AND WE GO INSIDE.

The Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the machine plays loudly as Richard walks across the kitchen floor of his first floor apartment carrying a bag of dog food in one hand and a box of plain captain crunch in the other, he sits them both down on the table and sleepily grabs 2 bowls from the kitchen cabinets.

The music fades and the opening monolog starts to play over the scene as Richard pours two bowls of captain crunch and then pours some dog food over one of the bowls, and pours milk into both.

Intro monolog

Deyojee- {speaking as a narrator}

A dog’s life is never dull, well not to us anyhow. Yeah’ the first year of our lives

is a rollercoaster of hormones and instinct. I don’t remember being born but I do remember “the box”, cramped with four other greedy mooches, my brothers and sister were all bigger than me so they pretty much got to decide who got to eat first. Some might call me the runt of the litter; although

I prefer “nourishly challenged” We weren’t together for long before my mom just gave me away!

I was less than two months old when I was given to this slacker as a Christmas gift for his girlfriend.

{camera looking at Richard as he picks a piece of dog food from the cereal looking at it curiously before eating it.}

They broke up by New Year’s, she gave me back to the guy and we’ve been stuck with each other ever since, at first life with this guy was no bromance. Man; he had so many rules, don’t chew up his comics, don’t pee in his shoes. But I was doing a lot of thinking outside of the box then; heck I’d only been out of it for a few weeks. We get along ok now I guess, he likes to watch DVD box sets of Futurama, eat cold Chinese food, and quote Doctor who. His name is Richard. I’m a little more adventurous. For example, I like to pee on other dogs stuff, occasionally sip from the toilet, and I bark at the mail carrier. A few other things you should know about me; I haven’t peed in the house in six weeks, I know chocolate will kill me, but I eat it anyway, I have a pretty bad lisp; people don’t seem to notice though, because they're more distracted by the fact that: I’m a talking dog. Yeah at first it was cool we got a few Facebook followers, Richard’s YouTube and Tic Tok accounts exploded, and all I had to do was say my first few words. “You gonna finish that?” It set Richard up pretty nice. We live in a decent place and he only has to work part time as a bartender. But the internet is a fickle mistress and when a rat dragging a slice of stale pizza down some stairs can make you last week’s news it’s hard to stay popular. So now we’re just two bachelors living life.

Enter Deyojee walking upright, looking grumpy and confused sits at the table in a booster seat like a human child.

Deyojee – thanks for breakfast, I love kibble berry crunch. definitely what I needed after what just happened.

Richard - { said while chewing his food} What happened?

Deyojee – The U.P.S. guy just rubbed my belly…

Richard – Oh… Well… {swallows his food sits the spoon in the bowl} That’s nice of him.

Deyojee – I mean how could he even have known I like that; unless… you didn’t tell him to do that did you?

Richard- Well, you guys always seem so tense around each other, I thought it would help. It wasn’t that bad was it?

Deyojee – {said angrily} It was delightful! Why would you reveal my only weakness to my arch nemeses!

Richard- Ok, well; I think we can both agree that belly rubs aren’t your only weakness, two words bud “squeaky toys” And I keep telling you, you don’t have an arch Nemeses,

Deyojee- Nemesis or not, I can’t believe I was betrayed by my own butler…

Richard- Again, I am not your Butler.

Deyogee – Well you’re always following me around, and picking up after me, so excuse me Jeeves.

Richard- You’re a slob but I assume you mean the toilet paper you scattered all over the apartment this morning.

Deyojee- I was pretending to be King Tut rising from the tomb to terrify the helpless archeologists, then I pretended it was a giant ghost-snake that wanted to eat me; it was him or me, and I chose me.

Richard- Still you made a mess and wasted the whole package.

Deyojee - I was using it to fuel my creative juices. You just use it to wipe your ass. So, let me ask you, who’s really wasting the toilet paper around here? Huh?

Richard- Yeah, well you got me there.

Deyojee – Anyway, I was conducting research for my new job.

Richard- When did you get a job; actually, where did you get a Job?

Deyojee – Craigslist. And I start today.

Richard- Wait, what’re you going to be doing?

Deyojee – Oh, Its supper easy, All I have to do is interview people about every day products. The first product is toilet paper of course.

Richard- Of course; But what’s this place called again?

Deyojee – Oh it’s called “Everyday Products”.

Richard- So you interview people about everyday products, for a company called Everyday Products?

Deyojee – Yeah! And all I have to do is record people answering a few questions about the product. Its easy money! Also I’ll need to borrow your Camera.

Richard- This all sounds kinda suspicious to me, and last time you took my camera to the park I had to pay the shop a hundred bucks to fix it. The guy said it looked like it was peed on.

Deyojee – Well yeah ok, I peed on it.. How would the other dogs have known it was mine? Duh… But its ok, I get it now; I’m not 2years old anymore, I’m three, I’ve matured. I know it’s not ok to pee on electronics.

Richard- It’s not ok to pee on any of my stuff!

Deyojee – Right, right. Don’t pee on your stuff, so can I borrow the camera or not?

Richard- I guess it should be fine, just don’t break it, or record other dogs butts at the park again.

Deyojee – That was for an art project am working on. So I make no promises… Also I need you to come with me.

Richard- Wait. What? Why do I have to go?

Deyojee – ok so you remember last month when I tried to go to the movies and the police brought me home? It appears that this town has some rather Orwellian Leash laws.

Richard- Yeah, I remember they said you were barking at the screen, and taking other people's popcorn; So, What I am just supposed to do, just stand around all day?

Deyojee – Yeah! See you get it. Just think of it as taking me on a walk; for four hours, twice a day.

Richard- I'm pretty sure you may be getting catfished there bud.

Deyojee- no way is a cat going to catch me man, they are way too dumb.

Richard- that’s not what I mean. I mean you may be being tricked to go out someplace where you would be vulnerable, they could be muggers or plan on taking your kidneys or even worse mine because I’ll have to be out there with you.

Deyogee- look if somebody tries anything shady, I’ll protect you.

Richard- how? You pee under the kitchen table when you hear thunder.

Deyogee- that's an involuntary reflex! And it’s embarrassing, something to do with the barometric pressure or something, I think.

Richard- yeah well lets Go for a walk in the park and talk about this a little bit more. Who likes walks

Deyogee- I do! Oh I do!

Richard- yes you do, {grabs the leash} let’s kick it!

They walk together out the door of their apartment.

ext; a dog park in the summer the sun is shining and the grass is green as we catch up to the two already playing fetch

Richard- (Picks up tennis ball) Go get it boy! (Throws the ball)

Deyojee- Did you just call me boy? I have a name you know.

Richard- I named you. So yeah I know.

Deyojee- I’m only getting the ball because I want to, not because you told me to. (runs to get the ball)

Richard- I think you have a problem. (Throws the ball )

Deyojee- I Can stop whenever I want (Runs to get the ball)

Richard-I don’t think you can (throws the ball)

Deyojee-(Said Exhaustedly) I can, this is just good exercise.

Richard- Really? So if I throw the ball, this time we can just walk away and go home.

Deyojee- (Still out of Breath) Yeah, I don’t care.

Richard- (throws the ball)

Deyojee- (Watching the ball silently)

Richard- So we can just go now?

Deyojee- (Looks back and forth from Richard to the ball)

Richard- Face it man, you’re a little OCD about it.

Deyojee- I’m just not done is all, (runs to get ball)

Richard- Oh yeah? Ok, well just one last time then? (Fake throws the ball)

Deyojee- (looks out to the direction Richard “threw” the ball) Ok what the hell just happened? You threw it, and it vanished. Did it get sucked into a wormhole? Or was it picked up by a bird? I seen them blackbirds eyeballing us when we got here. What did you do with my ball you Bastards! (shouting at the birds)

Richard- Woah, Calm down its right here. (Shows the ball)

Deyojee- (Eyes wide) Richard are you a wizard? Or did we just travel back in time? Oh, or did I just go back? Don’t throw that ball man, the birds around here can’t be trusted.

Richard- No, I just didn’t throw it.

Deyojee- I saw you throw it though.

Richard- I fake threw it. Like this. (Fake throws again)

Deyojee-( Looks at the direction the ball was thrown then looks back to see Richard still has the ball)

I can’t believe you would just lie to me like that.

Richard- I lie to you all the time. (Puts the ball up in a fanny pack he is wearing) lets go home anyway man I got to go to the bathroom.

Deyojee- Just go here. Or is this just another lie?

Richard- No lie, I have got to go, and I can’t go here man.

Deyojee- (Grunting) Why not? I am going right now.

Richard- That’s fine for you, I’m a human and there are laws that prevent people from doing that in public.

Deyojee- I don’t need a bathroom, the world is my toilet.

Richard- yeah, well Let’s get home. So I can go.

Deyojee- Fine, fine lets go.

[On the way home Richards’ urge to go is taking over so he decides to stop at the closest available public restroom.]

Richard-Oh man I don’t think I’m going to make it all the way home, let’s stop at the grocery store.

Deyojee- It’s that panda express. Every time I eat the General Tao’s Chicken, I get the running squirts too.

Richard- Well whatever it is I need to go now. It’s kind ‘a nonnegotiable at this point.

[Hurriedly walking Paul and Deyojee get to the doors and Deyojee stops and jerks Paul back a little ]

Deyojee- Woah.

Richard- Come on man, what are you doing?

Deyojee- It says no pets allowed on that sign. And you can’t leave me out here man, we both know I’m a flight risk.

Richard- [a little panic in his voice] Oh, if anyone asks just tell them you’re a service dog, grab a cart make it look like we are going to buy something.

Deyojee- [following Richard cautiously] You came up with that quick, you must have been holding on to that one for a while. Ha! No pun intended.

Richard- ok well here’s the bathroom come on.

Deyojee- Hell no, I’m not going in there with you. I have a hypersensitive sense of smell that’s torture.

Richard-fine stay here.

Deyojee- [puppyface] all alone?

Richard- [Rushed but feeling] Here take my phone, it’s on YouTube. Now enjoy! [Closes restroom door]

Richard can still hear Deyojee from inside the restroom just outside the door. As he hurries to the empty toilet stall, Richard sees the toilet is disgusting and Richard has to roll a wad of toilet paper around his hand and wipe the seat before he can use it, it was so dirty that Richard grabs a hand full of toilet seat covers even after he cleaned it, as Richard is unbuckling his pants he can hear Deyojee laughing and talking to a stranger.

Deyojee- [Sitting next to the cart] lets see, top rated video this week. Oh of course, it’s a cat video. [watching the video on the phone] What the hell? [ Laughing out loud] That’s brilliant!

Passer by- Is that dog laughing?

Deyojee- Oh, umm, I’m a service dog? How can I be of assistance?

Richard- [yelling from the bathroom] No Deyojee, that’s not how that works! Sorry he’s still in training.

Deyojee- Yeah, sorry I’m still in training.

Passer by- Ok, weird. [Shrugs it off and walks away]

Deyojee- [still looking at the phone] Woah, there’s a ton of these. [Yelling at the bathroom door] Hey Richard I’ll be right back I have an idea.

Richard- [focus on Richard in the stall] Wait, no, Stay there. Hey! Hello? [Restroom door opens] oh thank god. [Awkward silence] Deyojee?

Kid in the bathroom- D O G spells Dog.

Richard-- Crap. Yeah… I guess it does kid.

[Deyojee has now left Richard in the toilet and is pushing the shopping cart in the vegetable section]

Deyojee- ok let’s see here, {stops near a man squeezing tomatoes} excuse me sir where are the cucumbers?

Man at tomatoes- {looking around shocked to see a dog talking to him} um… I don’t work here.

Deyojee- that’s ok I’m a service dog.

Man at tomatoes- Uh, ok. I think those are the cucumbers over there. {points to the cucumbers}

Deyojee- Cool, thanks! Sorry about that I’m still in training. [Walks over to the cucumbers laughing evilly under his breath]

[A few minutes later]

Richard- [exiting the restroom] Oh good your still here; {Richards eyes widen in mild surprise when he sees the cart full of cucumbers} and you have a cart full of cucumbers?

Deyojee- yeah, so apparently there’s this thing you can do with them.

Richard- Oh yeah. What kind of thing?

Deyojee- It’s a science thing you wouldn’t be interested, it’s boring.

Richard- yeah well you seem excited about it. [Looking at the cart full of cucumbers] Are you sure it’s a science thing? And not some sort of way to torture the neighborhood cats?

Deyojee- you’ve seen the video’s [speaking at the same time as Richard]

Richard-I’ve seen the Video’s. [Speaking at the time as Deyojee]

Deyojee- In my defense, cats suck, and those videos are hilarious.

Richard- I like cats. But yeah, those videos are pretty funny. I don’t think we need this many though.

Deyojee- you sure? there are a ton of cats in the neighborhood.

Richard- Yeah but you only really need one, just use it over and over again.

Deyojee- Oh I see, we only have one camera any way, it’s all gonna in the set up. So we just use the one and record all those stupid shade throwing alley cats running scared one by stupid one… its brilliant.

Richard- Yeah well, we’ll see, but let’s put these back.

Deyojee-Ok but I wanna keep this big one on top, it looks the meanest.

Richard- [pushes the cart back then turns around to walk away]

Deyojee- hey aren’t we going to put those up?

Richard-nah, think of it as help for the guy that has to put them back. Now he isn’t out of things to do at work so he has job security. This is a job that won’t be replaced by some robot case in point {Richard nods at the self check out line}

Deyojee- Ok I guess that makes sense. You’re a good guy Richard, so thoughtful.

Richard- Hey I try. Let's check out, it's kind of a wreck in there.

{a man walks into the bathroom only to turn right around and vomit into the trash bin next to the restroom}

Deyojee- you forget I know what you're capable of, oh I know. I live with you.

Richard--[Paying at checkout]

Deyojee- I don’t believe it! there wasn’t some sort of ID check, you don’t have twenty-one or older to get these? And it was only 99 cents!

Richard- I don’t think they know we aren’t going to eat it. But it should keep you entertained for a while so it’s worth it, I guess.

Deyojee- Hey Paul, this was my first time to a grocery store. How come you never did that service dog trick before?

Richard- If you have such a heightened sense of smell why do you drink out of the toilet at home?

[They both walk silently out of the store together not looking at each other.]

Richard- hey that reminds me we should have bought toilet paper. And, I don’t think you need a job, we are doing alright.

Deyojee- look I want to earn a living, you know to be a functional member of society, and not be a lazy leach on the system.

Richard- first of all, you’ve got to stop watching FOX news while I’m at work. I don’t like the ideas it puts in your head. You aren't a leach, we make enough money to get by with my job and the little bit we made doing those talk shows a few years ago.

{Flash back} jerry springer like show tv show.

Host- Richard you are not the father!

Audience- BOOO BOOO Hiss

Deyojee- you lied to me! You told me you were my daddy! How could you?

Richard - wait what’s going on? I thought we were here about a doggy makeover.

Deyojee- make this over ass hole!

Deyojee crazily lunges at Richard {end flashback} cuts back to them walking home

Deyojee- yeah those were the good old days.

Richard – I guess. You don’t need to work we are doing fine. If you want something all you have to do is, ask for it. It’s not like we need to ride around in a Bugatti and both of our favorite foods come from a can. I think we can afford whatever you might want.

Deyojee- I want a house man, with my own little spot in the back yard and a sturdy tree to pee on. You know the American dream!

Richard- you want to be a homeowner?

Deyojee- Yeah what’s wrong with that?

Richard- Nothing I just didn’t see that coming is all.

Deyojee- I am a deep and complex personality Richard you cant draw me with a single line.

Richard- I can see that. {Richard pets Deyojee on the head and Deyojee leans into it} when I was a kid we had this apple tree in the back yard that my grandfather would carve how tall all of his kids and grandkids had grown. And each year my grandmother would bake a pie from the apples, it was pretty awesome, I guess.

Deyojee- so I can buy a house?

Richard- I guess it couldn’t hurt to look and see what’s on the market, I’m kinda getting sick of the apartment life anyway, but lets not get confused here “We” would be buying the house; “Together”. and it’s got to be some place worth growing roots in, with good internet.

Deyojee- and no sand boxes! Just public restrooms for cats, Disgusting.

Richard- ok so a house with a tree, internet and, no sand boxes. Shouldn’t be too hard to find one like that around here.

Deyojee- I saw on house hunters that we need to find one with good bones, think about it; a house has got to have some huge bones.

Richard- that’s not what they mean, they are looking at its foundation, I think. I don’t know honestly. What’s important is its a good life goal man we could use a change of pace. We can look into it.

Deyojee- I just want us to grow old and happy together like in old yeller.

Richard- man you didn’t see that one all the way through, did you?

Deyojee- I fell asleep some place near the middle, why?

Richard- Nothing. Don’t worry about it; since we're back to our apartment lets go order Chinese and watch some Beverly Hillbillies oh Hulu, what do ya say buddy? Who wants to watch hillbillies? Who wants to watch the Clampetts and eat egg rolls?

Deyojee- Oh me! It's me! I do! I do!

{Deyojee runs in circles at the apartment door as Richard unlocks the door}

Deyojee-{runs and jumps on the couch} are you sure you want to risk Chinese, I mean its what got us into that whole service dog debacle.

Richard- {loudly speaking from the kitchen where he is putting the cucumber away in the refrigerator} I should be fine, why what were you thinking.

Deyojee- I don’t care, just no Tofu!

Richard- {walking back to the couch and sitting down next to Deyojee} What’s wrong with Tofu? I like it.

Deyojee- Well you can have it, its just like white mush with a hint of moldy laundry.

Richard- It’s not that bad, I like it fried and what not.

Deyojee- yeah well you can have it. I want the beef and broccoli with extra fried rice.

Richard- {Richard reaches over Deyojee to grab the Chinese take out menu from a small pile of them on the end table next to the sofa.} so a number 4 with extra fried rice, and extra eggrolls too?

Deyojee- heck yes extra egg rolls.

Richard- {Richard pulls out his cell phone and calls in his order}

Chinese restaurant employee- {very midwestern American accent} Hello sugga thank you for calling Wong’s Chinese take out, you’ve called the right Wong number, what can we get you today.

Richard- Hey Leslie it’s me Richard, Deyojee wants a number 4 with extra fried rice and extra eggrolls I want a number 7 extra spicy with crab Rangoon, and a side of chicken on a stick.

Chinese restaurant employee- well thank you again for choosing us for lunch again this week Sweetie this is the third lunch this week you have gotten from us isn’t it? Well we sure do appreciate your love of our cooking Darlin,{shouting back the order to the kitchen} Frank we got an order for one cow in the trees and extra fried bride confetti two orders of egg logs, and then an order of flaming chicken with extra heat, side of crabby raccoons and an extra side of sticky chick.

Richard- Thanks Leslie, tell Tony there’s and extra 5 in it for him if he can take the short cut to get here.

Deyojee- I don’t know dude the short cut is crazy and shoots through the ally, there are some messed up cats over there man. He should be careful.

Richard- Thanks again! Bye.

Deyojee- This is the perfect end to the perfect day Richard.

Richard- its only noon-thirty what are you talking about, end of the day?

Deyojee- oh I didn’t know you made evening plans?

Richard- shut up, and listen to a story of a man named Jed.

Deyojee- a poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.

Richard- Deyojee -{unison} until one day he was shoot’n at some food, and up through the ground came a bubbling crude,

Richard- oil that is!

Deyojee- black gold!

Richard- Texas tee!

Richard- {turns on the tv show and they watch as the clock ticks by to nearly 30 minutes later}

{Knock at the door}

Deyojee- {jumps up to the door fast as a flash and starts yelling} who is it! we live here! you can’t come in unless we say so, so, back the hell up buster!

Richard- {stands up calmly and walks to the door, like he does this every time somebody is at the door} calm down bud, its just the food,

Deyojee-{instantly calm} the foods here! {Singing}Oh come listen to a story of a dog that needs fed.

Richard- {opens the door} you were a little slower this time man what… {Richards jaw drops as he sees the delivery guy dirty and bruised, sticks and leaves stuck in his hair, hat, and jacket.} dude are you ok?

Tony the Delivery Driver – I think so, I was crossing the ally on my scooter and this big black cat jumped out in front of me ,I had to swerve to miss it pretty hard and I wiped out in some bushes, I’m sorry about this but I lost the chicken on a stick and the extra egg rolls,

Deyojee- What? You lost my egg rolls? I told you to warn him. What cat was it? I’ll cucumber the hell out of it!

Richard-its fine man, I’m glad you’re ok here’s the full amount and an extra 20 for being the man and dropping off our food before you go to the E.R.

Tony the Delivery Driver- cool thanks man, hey don’t tell Leslie about this if she hears I wrecked the scooter again I am going to have to go back to work for Amazon.

Richard- no worries man thanks. {Richard waves goodbye to Tony and closes the door} Wow, well that could have been worse.

Deyojee- {takes the bags from Richard to the table and starts going through them} yeah, he could have lost my fired rice too

Richard- No I mean, he could have been hurt, or lost all our food, I guess.

Deyojee- hey he’s fine, what’s important is we get out of this neighborhood as soon as possible, the cats are starting to get scary around here.

Richard- what’s your problem with cats? {Richard asks as they sit down to eat.} they aren’t that bad. I had a cat when I was a kid. His name was socks.

Deyojee- yeah and I bet socks was an asshole too.

Richard-no way he was… well, now that I think about it. He did eat my sisters’ parakeets, and he pooped in the laundry all the time.

Deyojee- {mouth full of food} see

Richard- don’t talk with your mouth full it makes a mess.

Deyojee- {mouth still full} then don’t talk to me when I’m eating

Richard- That’s probably not bad advice.

Deyojee- {swallows his bite} look all I’m saying is cats suck.

Richard- how many cats do you know?

Deyojee- I don’t need to know them to know they are all jerks.

Richard-that sounds a bit raciest, actually it sounds allot raciest.

Deyojee- OH; I bark at one black mail man and now I’M a raciest the rest of my life. I bark at every postal carrier, its not a race thing, it’s a quality of life thing what kind of person wants to walk to strangers houses each day carrying a mystery bag of who knows what from who knows where, ill tell you what kind of person signs up for that, a psycho that’s who.

Richard- Ha I had forgot about that. It was less that you were barking and more how you were barking, He changed his route you know. {takes a bite, chews a few seconds in silence then swallows} But maybe it would help if I got a cat

Deyojee-Don’t you fucking dare.

Richard- I’ll do what I want, but yeah we don’t need a cat right now.

Deyojee- like never. We will never need a cat.

Richard- why not

Deyojee- oh you want a box you have to scoop shit out of every day and random shit knocked off of the counters and shelves? I can do that man.

Richard- oh you want to act like a cat?

Deyojee- stop it.

Richard- who’s a good kitty?

Deyojee-I said stop it.

Richard- {said in a cutesy voice} who’s a cute cuddly kitty! {Richard starts petting Deyojee behind the ear}

Deyojee- please stop this your embarrassing yourself.

Richard- you want to play with some string kitty cat?

Deyojee- you’ll think kitty cat when I poop in the house plants

Richard- we don’t have any house plants.

Deyojee- and we never will if we get a cat.

Richard- well whatever Deyojee I think cats can be cool

Deyojee- not as cool as dogs though,

Richard- sure.

Deyojee- what do you mean sure? I’m cool damnit.

Richard- ok if you say so. {smiling and taking another bite}

Deyojee- I do say so and so did half of twitter remember.

Richard- half of twitter followed Donald Trump too.

Deyojee- and? he’s cool he’s the president

Richard- I am going to have to agree to disagree with you over there pal. I’m just saying there is a whole section of the internet dedicated to cute cat videos, and how cute and cool they are.

Deyojee- Oh man don’t get me started on that again! You know how much I hate the cat driven online entertainment industry.

Richard- it is a thing though,

Deyojee- yeah, a stupid thing

Richard- again, agree to disagree. so what’s the plan for the rest of the day

Deyojee- I was thinking of laying in the light from the window and taking a little nap after lunch then probably another walk, this time with your camera so I can get some work done. And then maybe come home in the evening around 8pm central standard time and watch Animal Planet

Richard- what’s on animal planet at 8

Deyojee- a documentary

Richard-oh yeah? {picks up remote and checks the tv guide} the mating habits of the Alaskan Timber Wolf, huh, well I mean as long as you don’t lick your crotch the whole time we could watch it.

Deyojee- you don’t have to watch it with me, It's weird.

Richard- Oh, so...

Deyojee- I don’t bug you when you take your laptop into the bathroom when you take a shower. So please respect my grooming habits.

Richard- Grooming would imply that you’re cleaning yourself.

Deyojee- I am.

Richard- there’s no need to clean one spot that often, it’s either clean, or it’s so disgusting we should just rent a carpet cleaner.

Deyojee- i don’t know that sounds kinda fancy, a “carpet cleaner” what is it? it sounds french.

Richard- it’s a giant vacuum

Deyojee- Nope. it’s fine. I can just watch it when you're not home.

Richard- good, thank you.

Deyojee- so I was thinking we could go for that walk at fiveish and start my first day of work early

Richard- fiveish is early?

Deyojee- what do you think more like six or seven?

Richard- I think; this whole thing is a set up to get you to look stupid or take advantage of you in some way.

Deyojee- well that's why I’ll have you there with me, like my legal advisor or my workforce liaison

Richard- Look we can go out but let me make the judgement call on if we stay or not.

Deyojee- sounds good, and thanks for lunch and everything but there is a sun ray over there calling my name. {Deyojee stretches out and yuans then walks over to the sun spot and walks in four small circles then lays down and falls asleep}

A few moments later Richard gets a notification on his cell phone, that reads if we do not have payment in full your internet service will be disconnected. Richard tries to call but the line is temporarily down, saying we are sorry but the number you are calling has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Richard, feeling the pressure, decides to rush out and pay for it in person.

Richard becomes hurried as he grabs the car key, forgets his wallet on the end table where he had placed it after paying the delivery guy. by his cell phone and rushes out the door. without telling Deyojee where he was going or for how long he would be gone.

Richard- Holy crap, I’m, going to have to get this turned in or it’s going to be late and they’ll shut us off till Monday again. shit, shit, shit, shit I’ll be stuck with another late fee. .

[Richard grabs the keys and heads to the car]

As the door closes and Richard leaves the sound wakes Deyojee up.

Deyojee- Richard someone’s at the door! Hey Someone's at the door!

[Deyojee walks to the door] Never mind their gone! I said they're gone! Hey Richard! Hay! Richard! Wake up!

[walks into Richard's room to see he is not there] Hey Richard are you Poop’n!?! Somebody was at the door I think.

[Deyojee opens the bathroom door to see Richard is not there]

Deyojee- Oh, huh… Hey anybody home! Hello? He wouldn’t have gone on that walk without me would he? How long has he been gone? [Looks at the digital clock above the toilet] 2 Oh 5,,, I see... I have no idea what that means!{ Deyojee runs to the kitchen} Hello, oh my god! Oh my god ! My water dish is empty! Hello! Hello? I mean, since I have no other choice at the moment, so a few sips from the porcelain water dish wouldn't hurt. {Deyojee runs back to the bathroom}

[Cut to Richard driving and singing to the red hot chili peppers . then gets stopped due to a strange protest. For save the Spiders}

Exterior: city street downtown, middle of the block.

Richard- What i got you got to give it to your momma what i got you got to give to your poppa what i got you got to give it to you dog until… what the hell, Save the spiders? I don’t have time for this. { roles window down} Excuse me Um can I get past I just need to pay for my internet.

Male Protester- No way man! we’re like totally going to clog the machine until our collective can manifest a solution to the declining numbers of the toilet spider.

Paul- I’m sorry did you say The Toilet spider?

Female Protester- oh yeah they live in toilets, but don't worry their bite isn’t deadly, it only causes mild hallucinations, paralysis, loose stools, dementia and spontaneous coma. And they only bite testicles so it’s also a gender issue.

Richard- right… um well I still need to get by so I can take to twitter and um help spread the word?

Male protester- are you sure you plan to join our social media campaign and aren’t just planning to go about your normal day?

Richard- of course not, I love testicular spiders.

Female protester, Toilet spiders!

Richard- yeah what she said. Now can I get through?

Male protester with sign- yeah its cool let this guy though he’s a brother to the cause, { raises closed fist in the air and the other protesters do the same. {they all part way for rRchard to get past}

Richard- driving through the crowd cool thanks. Thank you, yeah , spider power.

Richard gets past the protesters and back on the road, then cut back to Deyojee at home alone

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