I'm Divorcing J.K. Rowling, and I'm Keeping The Kids

This is a subject; I’ve wanted to take my time, to marinate over, to think very hard and do some soul searching before jumping into my thoughts and sharing them. The reason being, it is very easy for me, to want to get angry, emotional, without getting anything productive accomplished. When people are angry, start to yell, nothing happens. It’s just more arguing. However, when time has been taken to think things through, keep the passion, but lose any antagonized feelings, the important matters at hand can be discussed. That’s what I want to express right off the bat, with this essay, despite what my essay title might indicate. I don’t wish any harm, or ill will toward anyone, not towards Rowling, not towards anyone who shares her beliefs, as much as I disagree with them. What I WILL do is say what I know are inaccurate statements made by Rowling and those she supports, both from studies and personal experiences. What I can hope to accomplish is simply to educate those in the dark on what has been said, and maybe help those who share gender critical views, see the whole picture, and perhaps make the effort to look at this issue another way, rather than with anger or insults.

I’ll start simply with the beginning, not the beginning of this controversy, but where J.K. Rowling and her work came into my life.

My parents were recently separated, in the beginning stages of their divorce. I was about eight years old. My father was living with his brother at the time, since it was all he was able to do, given he was no longer in our house or employed at that time. So every Wednesday, my sister and I would spend the night with our dad, along with every other weekend. One night, during a Wednesday visit, our Dad took us for dinner and kept hinting at a surprise for us. Of course, my sister and I were both excited. Once back at the house, we were getting ready for bed, when Dad pulled out a hard cover copy of “Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone”. I had never seen anything about Harry Potter at this point; this was a good year or so before the movie’s trailers were even being released. The beautiful cover of the boy with his lightening shaped scar, reaching for what I’d discover later as the Golden Snitch, had me more than intrigued. That night, Dad began reading.

Of course, when the film was announced, we jumped at the chance to go see it. Once we had, a tradition was started. We’d start to read from the next book, and then wait in anticipation for the movies. Reading from the books before watching the films would dwindle over the years, but the movies were events we never missed, buying our tickets ahead of time, and getting to the movies early to be sure we’d get a seat before it all sold out.

So Harry Potter, long before I even saw J.K. Rowling’s face or heard her voice, was a part my childhood, like a distant relative you only got to catch up with once every couple of years or so.

It wasn’t until the beginning of my senior of High School, that I finally saw the face behind the work. By this point, I had grown my own love for writing and storytelling, with my own desire to become a published author of fiction. It was an episode of The Oprah show, the final season, where she sat down with J.K. Rowling for the first time.

As someone familiar with the movies, and eager to go back and actually read the books from start to finish, and someone eager to become a writer as well, I found this interview to be the most fascinating interview I had ever seen in my life up to that point. Rowling spoke very candidly about her struggles with depression, and the loss of her mother, how those parts of her life were woven through the text. I remember thinking “My God, she gets it. She gets it”, having struggled with crippling depression myself after the loss of my Great Grandmother when I was twelve, who in her own right, was very much like another mother in my life. I felt J.K. Rowling and I were cut from the same cloth. After that interview, I went on a mission to read the entire Harry Potter series to the end, before the movies came out. I wanted to know how it all ended, not through the films which I stilled loved, but how the author intended.

From that moment, I read everything I could find of J.K. Rowling, “The Casual Vacancy” being one I devoured the second I could get it in my hands. I bought each of the three books from her mystery series, though with my list of things to read always growing; I never managed to get around those three, though they were on my list.

One could say I had my holy trinity of writers, Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, and Jodi Picoult, as three brilliant writers who shaped me as a person, as well as the kind of writer I wanted to become, the kinds of writers who grabbed you by the heart and mind, and stayed there.

That’s what for me, made J.K. Rowling’s comments towards the Transgender community, particular towards Transwomen, not just shatter a piece of my heart, but a piece of my soul.

Back in June, J.K. Rowling posted a number of tweets sharing what appeared to be transphobic sentiments. At first glance, they’re mostly confusing, especially for someone who either doesn’t know a transgender person, or knows the history of transgender issues, but what sticks out about them is the tone in which they are spoken, as well as the language. These tweets would prove to be the tip of the ice berg.

In response to the backlash she received from these tweets, J.K. Rowling wrote an essay on her blog responding to the backlash, expressing the issues she has with transgender issues and the activates who fight for those rights, and overall showing the face of a group of people whose message I find to be very, very troubling.

“Months later, I compounded my accidental ‘like’ crime by following Magdalen Berns on Twitter. Magdalen was an immensely brave young feminist and lesbian who was dying of an aggressive brain tumour. I followed her because I wanted to contact her directly, which I succeeded in doing. However, as Magdalen was a great believer in the importance of biological sex, and didn’t believe lesbians should be called bigots for not dating trans women with penises, dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased”

What’s troubling about this is quote, is the lack of background given about Berns. I’ve seen a number of her videos, where she’s often purposefully mis-gendering transwomen as “he” or “him” pronouns rather than the preferred “her” or “she” pronouns. She has also made egregious statements that transwomen are really men who have fetishized women to a level where they want to become women, or even saying a man dressing and identifying as a woman, is the gender equivalent of “black face”. This kind of thinking towards transwomen is totally false, and extremely harmful. Not just for those who are unfamiliar to transgender issues and will then jump to their own conclusions, but also towards the transgender community. Mis-gendering a trans person can have horrific effects to their mental health. Imagine, you are a cis-gender female, and people just call you “he” or “him”, even though you know well what you are. Not a pleasant thought, is it? That’s what happens for a transgender person. This is a line of thinking, Rowling has admitted to admiring, even if she hasn’t painted the whole picture of who she actually is supporting.

I’ve personally know a number of trans-men and trans-women, and I have never once felt there was any kind of fetishizing, or “play acting” anything about how they were presenting themselves to me. When I see them, I see the smile that reaches their eyes, that for me, shows a true feeling of happiness, of wholeness. That look in one’s eyes, is one that cannot be faked.

I myself am a cis-gender female; I’ve always felt confident in my gender. I have attractions towards men, women, trans-women, and trans-men. I don’t conform personally to labels in regards to my sexuality, the reason being, I care about the person, over the body or even biological history.

One of the most beautiful dating experiences I’ve shared was with a trans-woman. We got to know each other through mutual friends and I never viewed her as anything other than what she felt, who she was, as a woman. The person I saw was a beautiful human being who sure, hadn’t had the same female experiences as I have had such as female puberty, but that didn’t make her any less of a woman in my eyes. In front of me was a woman, who listened to me, laughed with me, and ALWAYS made me feel safe, and she felt safe with me. The only reason I can say it didn’t last beyond talking, getting to know each other, and sharing some intimate experiences, was simply life took us in different directions as life so often days. I’ll always love and care for her, but we weren’t meant for each other, and it had NOTHING to do with her biological history.

If other people don’t share these kinds of feelings, that’s fine. People know what they like. Should lesbians be called bigots for not wanting to date trans-women, not necessarily? Although I can’t say it’s not problematic, depending on how the sentiment is expressed and what actions follow the sentiments. What I find unfortunate is the hatred that seems to be thrown towards the transgender community, simply for the reason of an agenda built from a place of anger.

There’s no secret, there has always been a level of animosity towards the transgender community from many different angles, both outside the LGBTQ community, and surprisingly within it. Being within the community myself, it’s something I myself have never understood. The idea of wanting to break down a group of people who are dealing with many of the same issues as the other, has always been completely asinine and nonsensical, in my personal opinion. In relation to the subject to this essay, J.K. Rowling’s comments themselves, the one group that comes to the forefront what it comes to animosity towards the transgender community are gender critical feminists, or also known as Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists, or referred short hand as T.E.R.F.s.

This class of feminists is often seen in line with conservative groups in the efforts of denying the transgender community their rights, in the ways of their right to use the bathroom for the gender they identify with, their reason being this will create an opportunity for more women to be assaulted by any man who wants to pass himself off as a woman.

I’m a survivor of rape; a brutal rape which took place out in the open, neighbors heard a commotion and called 911. I understand the argument of wanting to protect cisgender women. However, to say transwomen don’t have the right to also feel safe just because of what happened to me, makes zero sense. What happened to me happened, it was horrific, but it happened. I will not, allow what happened to me to prevent the safety of another. I just won’t. For a transwoman to walk into a Men’s bathroom is a recipe for disaster. Giving transwomen entry into women’s spaces will not make it okay for any man to walk in. Rapists were trying to do that without the work that goes into changing their gender. If a man with the intent assault someone wants to do so, he will do it, or attempt to do. We need to come together protect each other from possible assault, not take the rights of others away in the process.

Before all of this happened, I had never heard of this term or women who thought this way. Yes, I’ve met and come across a number of feminists who’d I’d consider to be “extreme” in their views, though I’ve always left to a place of “this is where we’ll have to agree to disagree”. These women are the other hand, who come off as angry and hateful towards t trans-women, are far out there in a way that leaves me intrigued, but also deeply unnerved by it.

I consider myself a sex positive feminist, in the ways of feeling women have every right to do what they want with their bodies, as long as they understand the potential issues that come with their choices. Women who do pornography for example, be the best porn star you can be, but do your research before stepping into that world. I’m also not one who hates men. If you don’t have a love in your heart for men, you have zero business being a feminist, in my opinion. If you don’t have love in your heart for EVERY kind of woman, you have zero business a feminist, in my opinion.

Jessie Gender is a Youtuber who had very thought provoking things to say about this entire issue , so I highly recommend you check out her channel and the videos on this subject. Much of the research I gained for this essay came from her series.

What I want to get to now is my tittle, that I am divorcing J.K. Rowling, and taking the kids.

What is it I mean by that? When she made the comments she made, I’m aware the difference of opinion is one thing, that’s something I can accept. However, it’s the level of hatred that’s shown through her actions towards the issue. Deleting Stephen King’s tweet saying “Yes, Transgender women are women.” Rather than being woman enough to have a grown up debate with him, then following this action, she blocked him on Twitter. As if to say “You don’t agree with me? Fine, I’ll just shut you out, even if I’ve respected you and your work for years”.

The entire issue has left me, gutted. Knowing how much I admired her work, and hearing all of this about her, I’m not of the belief that an author is dead once they say things that are horrendous. So with divorcing her, I’m saying this, and this is what I want to say to Rowling herself:

J.K. Rowling, believe it or not, I still love you. From one woman to another, from one writer to another, I still love you. Words can’t begin to tell you what your work has done for me and my family. You gave my siblings and me something to bond with our Dad over. You gave me some of the best memories I have from childhood. Your books got me through some of the hardest times of my life; getting through my last year of high school, where I was plagued with depression and suicidal thoughts, and getting me through my first year of sobriety when I decided to reread Harry Potter for a second time. Your story of house your rebuilt your life from rock bottom, gave me the hope to realize I can do that to. I can be sober. I can be happy. I can be a writer. For all of that, I am more grateful to you than you can ever imagine. For all of that, I still love you. That all being said. I love my Transgender Sisters and my Transgender Brothers, and I stand with them. So you and I will most definitely have to agree to disagree, and I’ll be taking the kids. Meaning, I, like many other fans, will be taking the stories, the characters within them, and the memories they’ve given me, with me. You move on with your life and beliefs, we all will move on with ours. I wish you well. I always will. I’m a Buddhist, and I will be chanting for you. Chanting that you find some place of peace. Even in my heart break, I still love you enough to hope you come to a place of happiness and maybe one day try to look at these views in another way. I will not try to be the one to change your mind. Only you can do that for yourself. Nomyo ho renge kyo, Jo.

I think I’ve said all I can say, and all I want to say about all of this. This is already really long, but I needed this out of my system. Thank you for reading, if you’ve come to the end.