Book Review: "How We Are" by Vincent Deary

I know I read them backwards, apparently this is the first one and How We Break is the second. The truth is, the second one seemed more interesting. But, by reading the first one I have honestly proven myself wrong because now both of them are as interesting as each other and I realise that this means I have absolutely no reason for why I read them in the wrong order. Anyways, it's February 2025 when I am writing this and I have literally just finished reading it. I'm still stuck on the comparison between Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier and The Shining by Stephen King. But this book not only goes through who we are, but forces us to confront how we are.

Deary explores the fundamental human tendency to rely on routine as a means of navigating life. Our habits provide stability, predictability, and ease, allowing us to function without constantly re-evaluating every action. However, while routines bring comfort, they also create resistance to change. When we are forced to break out of familiar patterns (whether due to personal crises, new opportunities, or external circumstances) we often struggle with discomfort and uncertainty. Change, though inevitable, is rarely easy because it disrupts the sense of security we derive from our habitual ways of being. I have always loved routines and so, I have to think I'm in the wrong line of work. However, I like the way Deary tells us about it because as Bob Dylan once said, 'there is nothing as stable as change...'

Habits serve a dual purpose in human life: they free up cognitive space by automating daily tasks, yet they can also confine us to a rigid way of living. Deary argues that while routines enable efficiency, they can also limit growth if we become too dependent on them. When we stop questioning our behaviours and simply follow established patterns, we may find ourselves trapped in a life that no longer serves us. Recognising this duality is the first step towards making conscious choices about which habits to keep and which to change. I find that some routines are also damaging, for example: in my line of work I have to get up super-super early in the morning but, if I want to get any of my own personal work done then I have to go to bed super-super late at night which means that I don't usually get ample sleep to start the next day.

One of the book’s most important insights is that change is not a one-time event but a continuous process. Many self-improvement narratives suggest that transformation happens in a single moment of decision, but Deary argues that real change is gradual. Even when we make a conscious choice to alter our behaviour, old patterns do not disappear overnight. True transformation requires persistence, self-reflection, and a willingness to embrace setbacks as part of the journey. I am kind of sitting here laughing at this because I am currently going through a huge change myself and one thing my doctor said is that it won't happen overnight and I have to be ready to be set back sometimes - but at least it doesn't mean I failed.

Our habits are not formed in isolation; they are deeply influenced by the people around us. Deary highlights the role of social conditioning in shaping our behaviours and expectations. Family, friends, colleagues, and cultural norms all play a role in reinforcing certain patterns. This means that meaningful change often requires reassessing our social environment and, in some cases, distancing ourselves from relationships or communities that keep us stuck in unhelpful routines. I was thinking about this since moving to Nottingham. My routines have been disrupted massively and my sleep, well it was bad before but it is much worse now. I have the feeling that this may be due to my line of work, or it could be due to other aspects of my life - I think that this book is definitely helping with the investigation though. I'm not sure that my amount and my quality of sleep is being helped by the line of work I'm in - we will definitely have to wait and see.

All in all, How We Are is about accepting that life is an ongoing process of becoming. Deary encourages readers to let go of the illusion of complete control and instead embrace the uncertainty that comes with growth. While routines and habits provide comfort, true fulfilment comes from our ability to adapt, learn, and evolve. By recognising that we are always in the process of becoming, we can approach life with greater openness, curiosity, and resilience. I can definitely say that this is something that is worn down by modern society - curiosity. It simply gets to the point where you don't care anymore, as long as you can get it done. That's not fulfilling at all. So here's my suggestion: no work is worth your routines becoming so unpredictable and volatile that you lose all interest in everything.