Book Review: "A Sense of Belonging" by Dr Holan Liang

As you can tell, I'm still riding the train of social media, loneliness and how the world went to hell. If you remember from a few years back, I was doing the same thing with consumerist culture and did a deep-dive into books like Naomi Klein's No Logo among others. This shouldn't surprise you by now but if you're looking to get on this train with me then you are perfectly welcome. You can trace the trace the train tracks through the previous articles I have done over the last week. Before you ask, no I'm not reading and finishing one a day, these reviews are normally written as I'm reading them and I have different books for different things I'm doing. Good ol' neurodivergence. It's hard to explain. Let's investigate the book...

The author starts by defining "belonging" as a fundamental human need shaped by evolution and childhood psychology. I cannot stress how important it is to feel like you belong as a child, this is one thing I can definitely say is 100% correct without question. This is because of what the author argues in the book. She argues that belonging is not optional, it is as vital as safety and nourishment. And we only know how important it is for a child to feel safe with their parents and family. She states that the need originates in early attachment between parent and infant, where secure bonds build confidence, trust in others, and emotional regulation. As we can see, this is all also important as the child grows up - they need to be able to emotionally regulate in order to live in the real world. Therefore, our later sense of belonging emerges from this early blueprint: whether we expect acceptance or fear rejection.

The author then contrasts belonging with fitting in, emphasising authenticity as the key to genuine social connection. (I think you all know how hard I cringe at words and phrases like "authenticity" and "being present", but I'll leave that out for the sake of the review and looking at things with a critical eye). Fitting in involves performance, inhibition, and self-editing, which creates long-term emotional strain. This is a difficult one because some people find comfort in conformity because it means there's less thinking to do about a situation in a place you don't particularly want to be. But I'm getting ahead of myself again.

Belonging, by contrast, means being valued as oneself, without contortion. We can see that the term 'belonging' is something that diminishes in value as we get older - it becomes less and less about actually being yourself and more about how well you can performatively fit in with wherever you are. But, it is important for a child to experience belonging and not just 'fitting in'. The author also shows some active demonstrations of how the pursuit of 'fitting in' can erode belonging.

She explores how family systems shape one’s lifelong sense of belonging. If family systems are dysfunctional then the belonging that the child develops will be fragile. I think we could have all figured that one out. But the author makes it clear that birth order, cultural background, family expectations, sibling dynamics, and parental emotional availability all influence resilience and vulnerability - making it so that the child either experiences the fact that they belong to their family, or that they don't at all. Individuals raised in critical or emotionally distant families often develop internal narratives of being “out of place,” which carry into adulthood. The author shows us why it is important to revisit and rewrite these narratives.

The author examines belonging within school environments and how peer groups mould identity. I think we all understand how 'fitting in' can take over our lives at school. She explains how this time of adolescence intensifies our sensitivity to social hierarchies and group acceptance. Bullying, exclusion, or being “different” during this period can have lasting effects on confidence and social behaviour, leading to withdrawal in large amounts as we grow older. I think we pretend too much that the teen years don't matter, but they actually matter more than anything else as they form the basis for our identities as adults. And schools, despite being “designed” to socialise, often amplify belonging deficits because of rigid cliques and pressure to conform. On top of this, the pressure to conform to an outdated classroom system which is based on shoddy research at best produces dysfunctional teenagers who have a disdain for studies, making it harder to discover their academic (or niche interest) pathways in time for further education or work.

The author then analyses how modern adult life (for example: career demands, relocation, digital communication) undermines our sense of community.Long working hours, economic carefulness, and physical mobility weaken traditional, stable networks. I mean I understand this as much as the next person, but yet again I am going to state (I say 'again' as I said it in a previous review), if you really really want to be friends with someone, there are usually other people at work. But honestly, I don't see why we should sacrifice our modern lifestyles of basically having most of the things we require for the sake of hurt feelings. I'm not into it. I am also not into the stagnation of society for the sake of the few, because it will always be the poorest people who come out the worst off and that isn't attractive to me. I would say that if this is really impacting you and you desperately need that sense of belonging, then you need to make sure you feel like you belong to yourself first.

Another interesting point is that she covers how certain personality traits influence belonging. Introversion, neuroticism, or high sensitivity can make group environments more draining or intimidating. This is true, yes. But there are those of us who just don't like in-person social situations that much at all and it's mainly because of the trouble we have to go through to do them. The sunken-cost fallacy is real. I'm not going to spend my one hour getting ready just to see someone for coffee. Why don't we just text or call? Exactly. So, not everyone fits into those categories. Back to the author's point. She argues that belonging is not about having a particular personality type but about finding environments that align with one’s natural temperament. This is in theory, a great idea - but certainly isn't workable for someone who has say, chronic depression atop of introversion. Self-knowledge is great for finding tribes, but she doesn't acknowledge that there are people who do not want them and people who could not possibly start finding them on their own.

We get more things about micro-connections which we have seen in other books like The Cure for Loneliness. But I do think that this book's main point about 'fixing' the issue seems to lie with the person who experiences this loneliness. If loneliness is rooted in both depression and anxiety then you can probably and safely assume that the person is not going to be able to do it themselves. So, as much as I enjoyed this book - there are some questions I would have to ask about how rooted it's 'solutions' are in actual reality.