Aronofsky's "The Whale" touches me personally with parallel lines

In 2022, I went to the theater with my son to see a new movie from Darren Aronofsky: The Whale. Though I was familiar with other films from Aronofsky, and I was a fan of both Brendan Fraser and Sadie Sink, I hadn't seen any trailers so I had no idea what the movie was going to be about. I really don't care what Rotten Tomatoes score it has or how much money it made, but I am happy that it did get Fraser an Oscar award, and won some other award acknowledgements. The movie was adapted from the play (of the same name) written by Samuel D. Hunter. The movie is available to watch at home, so I rewatched it again today in November 2024.

The story is about a man who teaches essay writing to students online while he suffers from extreme obesity and an eating disorder. His name is Charlie, and we learn that his friend and caretaker (Liz) is Alan's sister. Alan was a student of Charlie's class 9 years ago when Charlie was married to Mary and they had a daughter named Ellie who was 8 years old at that time. Charlie left Mary and Ellie to be with the love of his life Alan who was scorned from the New Life church for choosing to be with Charlie. Though Charlie and Alan are in love, mentally and physically enjoying their romance, Alan is tormented emotionally and spiritually for having been cast out of the church eventually starving himself to an early death. Alan's death, in turn causes Charlie the same emotional pain and emptiness leading to the opposite eating disorder, gluttony. In the meantime, Mary and Ellie have lived 9 years without Charlie in their lives. Since Charlie knows that his obesity and eating disorder are killing him, he reaches out to Ellie, wanting to connect with his daughter before he dies and leaves her some money that he's been saving for her. Charlie has also saved one of Ellie's essays (that she had written in the 8th grade) about the book "Moby Dick". Whenever he's in pain or feels close to dying, he reads the essay and feels stronger and comforted by it. When Ellie first comes to see Charlie at his home, he is so happy to see her, but she is very angry and bitter at all the lost time between them and specifically communicates that she and her mother felt like he abandoned them to be with one of his students. A stranger named Thomas comes to the door as a missionary from New Life Church and believes that he can help Charlie find his way back to Jesus during his sick and dying period. Ellie writes a haiku that Charlie finds which states that she hates everybody. Ellie is also taking photos of Charlie and posting them online to humiliate him. When Thomas confesses to Ellie that he's not really working for New Life because he stole money from the church and he's been lost and on the run, she records the confession, takes photos of him, and sends both to Thomas's parents. When Charlie talks to ex-wife Mary about Ellie and the money he intends her to have after his death, Mary and Liz are both very angry at Charlie. Liz wanted Charlie to go get help for himself at the hospital. Mary wants Charlie to wait until Ellie graduates from high school before he gives her the money. Mary calls Ellie "evil" and feels like she was a terrible mother. Both Ellie and Thomas call Charlie "disgusting" for his 600 pound body and eating disorder. Charlie explains to Ellie that Mary chose to keep father and daughter apart, and that while he regrets losing the time as her father, he was very in love with Alan. Charlie explains to Thomas (who thinks that Charlie needs absolution and redemption from having lived a sinful gay life) that the love and sex that he had with Alan was the best time of Charlie's life, and that life has been hell since Alan's death. The movie ends with Ellie reading the Moby Dick essay again as her father Charlie gets up off the couch and walks towards her (something he was unable to do when she first came to see him) and Ellie starts crying because she realizes that she still loves him and doesn't want him to die.

This movie is very personal to me for so many reasons and parallel lines. I relate to many of the characters for different aspects of my life's experiences. I relate to Charlie having depression and a disability and wanting to reconnect with his child. I relate to Ellie hating both of her parents and feeling abandoned and like there's no one worth trusting because they will just let you down. I relate to Mary feeling like she failed as a single mother. I relate to Thomas and Liz, wanting to help someone without having the real power to change anything.

Charlie's depression and disability began when Alan died. My depression and mental illness began when I lost custody of my son. Ellie was only 9 years old when her family fell apart and she learned that her father left because he was gay. I was only 7 years old when my dad cheated on my mom. I watched her try to commit suicide and soon after that they were divorced; By my 8th birthday, I was living with mom and a new dad. Mary did the best she could with Ellie, but possibly regrets that she insisted on keeping Ellie away from Charlie. I did the best I could as a single mother from 1997 to 2005, but I regretted getting pregnant without a husband - which is why I signed the adoption papers. No matter how smart or good Mary was, she could not be a father, just like I could not. Even though Charlie was gay, he was still Ellie's father. As for Alan, I even relate to him (though I'm not dead and Alan wasn't shown in the film) because I know how hard it is to love someone when everyone tells you that you shouldn't. I married George, who was divorced and a sex-offender. Everyone told me that I was "crazy" yet I was in love and proud to be his wife. I helped him for 7 years to pay child support for his two daughters, yet his previous family always seemed to resent that I had joined the family. As for Liz and Thomas, I know how they feel too. I've spent years being kind and charitable and faithful, and it doesn't seem like it's made one bit of difference for me or anyone else. I worked hard as a single mother putting myself through college, only to graduate and have to deal with my mother's insanity almost destroying our whole family. I worked hard as a wife to George, always choosing my wifely duties over my career, only to end up a felon like him with no career options and disrespected to the point where we got divorced. Life is not fair. It wasn't fair to Ellie or Charlie or me. All we get are some precious moments of joy and we have to pay for that with a lot of hard work, pain, and emotional agony.

I didn't read Melville's book "Moby Dick" but I did see the movie and read the summary notes. I liked Ellie's essay on it. The analogy I see between "Moby Dick" and "The Whale" is that both Charlie and Ellie are Ahab and Moby Dick at the same time, though Charlie looks more like a whale than little Ellie. They are both angry and wanting some justice or validation. Charlie takes vengeance upon himself. Ellie takes vengeance upon anyone. The emotional pain they have felt for the love they have been deprived is like Ahab's missing leg which Moby Dick caused. The Whale (Moby Dick) is not Charlie's fat body. The Whale is the broken family and regrets, and Ahab is the vengeful feelings and anger that is leftover.

In my life, as a parallel line, my "Moby Dick" or whale that I wanted compensation about was all the years I lost hoping that I would be rewarded for my efforts. Was I rewarded for graduating college? Not unless you think a 50k debt is a reward. Was I rewarded for being a good wife? Not unless you think a divorce and some time in jail is a reward. Was I rewarded for signing adoption papers to give my son a better life? He was, but I wasn't unless you think that 25 years of being medicated as a Bipolar is a reward.

Self-inflicted vengeance is a mental disease that looks like Ahab's insanity. Ahab's madness began with losing a leg. For many of us, madness begins with a dysfunctional and/or broken family.

The part of my life that isn't shown in "The Whale" is that I never had a father in my life. Only Jesus. The father on my birth certificate was never involved in my life, and when I reached out to him while I was in college he never replied. My mother told me something that was quite evil. She said that he didn't want anything to do with me because she rejected him. My dad that had cheated on my mom when I was 7, was not my real father and after they divorced I never saw him again. My step-dad when I was 8 and 9, was my mother's third husband whom she cheated on. Her fourth husband was a nightmare who used to beat her up while I was trying to graduate from high school. Her fifth husband ruined all of our lives after he used her for 12 years and then wanted to leave her with two mortgage payments and my 9 year old sister. Yeah, I know better than most what a broken family is.