Strengthening Your Mind: The Secrets to Mental Fortitude

I have a friend on Facebook whose life seems perfect. She lives in a beautiful house, has a fulfilling career, and goes on exciting adventures with her family every weekend. Their photos always look stunning, as if a professional photographer follows them around. She frequently posts about how blessed and grateful she is, and I genuinely believe she means it.

How many of you have a friend like that? And how many of you sometimes find yourself disliking them a bit? We all do this, right? But this kind of thinking costs us something, and that’s what I want to talk about today—what our bad habits cost us.

You might think, "What's the harm in rolling my eyes at my Facebook feed? It’s just five seconds of my time." However, researchers have found that envying your friends on Facebook can lead to depression. That’s just one of the traps our minds set for us. Have you ever complained about your boss or envied your friends' good fortune? It might feel good temporarily, but this way of thinking eats away at your mental strength.

There are three kinds of destructive beliefs that make us less effective and rob us of our mental strength. The first is unhealthy beliefs about ourselves. We often feel sorry for ourselves, which goes beyond just being sad when something bad happens. Self-pity magnifies our misfortunes and keeps us focused on the problem instead of finding solutions.

The second type is unhealthy beliefs about others. We often think others control us and give away our power. For example, saying, "I have to work late" implies we have no choice, even though it's ultimately a decision we make.

The third type is unhealthy beliefs about the world. We expect the world to reward us for our hard work and get disappointed when it doesn’t. This mindset holds us back because it makes us feel entitled to success instead of working for it.

I know it’s hard to break these bad mental habits, but it’s essential because tough times require all the mental strength we can muster.

When I was 23, I thought I had life figured out. I had just graduated, landed my first big job, got married, and bought a house. Then, my mother unexpectedly passed away from a brain aneurysm. She was only 51 and had no prior health issues. This loss was devastating.

Three years later, on the anniversary of my mother’s death, my husband Lincoln and I attended a basketball game at the same place where I last saw my mother. It felt like a way to honor her memory. We had a good time, but later that night, Lincoln collapsed and died from a heart attack at 26, with no history of heart problems. I was now a 26-year-old widow without my mom.

During this painful period, I realized that good habits weren’t enough. Even small bad habits could hold me back. I focused on eliminating these habits, believing that life could get better—and it did. I met Steve, got remarried, and we moved to a new house. But then, Steve’s dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and soon passed away.

I started thinking, "Why do these things keep happening to me?" But I knew this mindset would hold me back. I wrote a list of things mentally strong people don’t do and read it repeatedly to remind myself not to fall into those traps.

I learned that mental strength, like physical strength, requires both building good habits and eliminating bad ones. Practicing gratitude is essential, but so is letting go of resentment and envy.

So, how do you change your thinking and break bad mental habits? Start by countering unhealthy beliefs with healthier ones. Accept your feelings, deal with discomfort, and don’t avoid it. Recognize that your choices shape your life, not other people or external circumstances.

I once worked with a man who had given up on managing his diabetes because he believed he was doomed, like his mother who died from it. He started by swapping his daily Pepsi for Diet Pepsi, and as his health improved, he made more positive changes. Eventually, he regained his driver’s license and felt empowered to keep improving his life.

Consider what bad mental habits are holding you back and what small steps you can take today to start changing your world.