How long has it been since you've seriously expressed your emotions?

The other day, my friend and I complained, "My partner is always asking me 'what the hell are you thinking' but I can't say it. Is there something wrong with me?" His confusion is not an isolated case. Many people feel that expressing their emotions is not an easy task, but emotional expression is important, for example, in intimate relationships, if you do not express your emotions, how does your partner know how to respond to your needs? Today, I'm going to talk to you about why some people have a hard time expressing their emotions and how we can improve our ability to do so.

Are you a person who has difficulty expressing emotions?

People who have trouble expressing their emotions show signs of it in their daily lives. For example, if someone asks you, "How are you feeling right now?" you might always answer, "I'm fine." Even if you've just had a big setback and you're so sad you can barely hold back your tears, when someone asks how you're feeling, you'll just squeeze out a dry "fine".

If someone persists in asking you about your emotions, you may feel annoyed. This irritation seems to be unwarranted; if the person asks you what exactly is going on, you can answer easily, but when it comes to emotions, you find it hard to talk. Sometimes this irritation extends to the point where not only does it make you uncomfortable for people to ask you about your emotions, but even talking about their own emotions makes you fidgety, and you fear that you will need to respond by talking about your emotions as well.

In communicating with others, people who don't like to express their emotions often send emoji in lieu of sincere, serious self-expression. On the surface, emoji seem to help people express their emotions more easily, and it's easier to send a "wow" emoji than to say "I'm so sad I'm going to cry". In reality, emoji help people avoid deeper expression. It's a form of false politeness that separates people from each other.

For example, in daily communication, if a person does not want to talk to the other person any more, but does not want to directly express "you are boring me", they will reply to the other person's message with an emoji, implying that the other person is ending the conversation. Similarly, when it comes to emotional issues, people can use emoji to avoid deeper communication, because when the other party receives the emoji, they usually will not continue to ask, "What do you mean by sending me this emoji? , the sender successfully escapes emotional communication in this way.

Seeing this, one might be tempted to ask, "Well, I do have these situations, but why am I like this?" We discuss this in the next part.

Why do people have a hard time expressing their emotions?

1. People are ashamed of their emotions

Some people have difficulty expressing their emotions because they are ashamed of them. The root of the word shame is an old word that means "to cover up" and when people feel shame they try to "cover themselves up" so that others don't find out what they are ashamed of. These people often say "no" to emotions: "I shouldn't feel sad", "I shouldn't feel angry". They try to deny their emotions, let alone express them, and they don't want others to realize that they are having "undeserved emotions.

2. Expressing emotions can be harmful

Emotional expression can be risky, and people worry that expressing emotions may cause harm. Some people believe that expressing emotions means revealing their weaknesses and that others may use their emotions to hurt them. Some people tend to express irony because they are afraid that others will intentionally do something to make them sad. For example, a friend in a relationship once said that she never lets her partner know how much she cares about him or her because she is afraid that the other person will threaten her with "leaving"; they self-protect by not expressing their emotions and even put on an act of strength.

Some people are afraid of being hurt by "rejection" if they express their emotions. They are afraid that if they express their emotions seriously, they won't get the response they want. To avoid possible disappointment, they simply don't express their emotions!

3. People's inability to express their emotions accurately

Some people want to be able to express their emotions, however they do not know how. They may have a vague sense that they have complex emotions, but are unable to accurately discern what each emotion is or find the right words to describe them. Sometimes they spend a lot of time trying to articulate their feelings without being understood by others, so they become frustrated with expressing their emotions.

4. Not Expressing Emotions for Passive Aggression

Some people use not expressing emotions to passively attack others. They do not want to directly express their pain and anger when others hurt them. They will outwardly say, "I'm fine," but release their frustration in other ways. At the back of their minds, passive-aggressors want others to realize that they are in a bad mood, but they don't want to express it directly, and they expect others to take the initiative to notice their bad mood and make amends. Passive-aggressors don't realize that others can't read their minds, and if they don't express themselves, it's hard for others to recognize what they're thinking, which makes it more difficult to solve the problem.

5. They feel that their expression of emotions is not socially acceptable.

Nowadays, society seems to encourage loud, sarcastic and strong expressions of emotions, while serious expressions of emotions seem out of place. People will praise you for your humor and wit when you say a paragraph, but you will be called "pretentious" when you say a paragraph in all sincerity. On social networking platforms, fewer and fewer people express their feelings seriously, while posting funny pictures, quotes and even insults seem cooler and more likely to elicit a response from others. When most people agree that "simple and crude is better than serious expression", even if a person wants to express his or her emotions, he or she is afraid of conflicting with other people's standards and being ridiculed by others. People can fight a lot of pictures and send emoji in the group, but they can't tell their secret heart!

Who has a hard time expressing their emotions?

1. Loners have a hard time expressing their emotions and they are afraid of being hurt

Loners rarely express themselves in social situations. This is because loners are sensitive to potential danger. They are more inclined to perceive others as hostile to them and fear being attacked by others if they reveal themselves. Moreover, loners are also more inclined to interpret the reactions of others in a negative light, and even if others do not mean to attack the loner, the loner may speculate that others are acting in a way that is displeasing to the loner. To avoid possible danger, loners choose not to express themselves.

However, just because a loner rarely expresses emotions doesn't mean they don't have them or can't detect them. It used to be thought that loners were not good at expressing and interpreting emotions, which is why they were unable to communicate with others. But research has found that loners are actually sensitive to emotional cues. They possess a wealth of emotions and are able to recognize and interpret them accurately. It's just that they are afraid to express their emotions due to their self-protective tendencies.

2. Avoidant Attachment People Distance Themselves From Others By Not Expressing Emotions

Avoidant attachment people do not like to express emotions in order to avoid deep relationships with others. Expressing emotions to others means allowing them to understand and be close to them. The deeper the self-exposure on both sides, the closer the relationship will be. Avoidant attachment people, on the other hand, fear close relationships; they fear that relationships will bring pain and trouble. So in order to distance themselves from others, they reject emotional expression and suggest that others are distancing themselves.

3. People who grew up with emotional neglect see no use in expressing emotions

Children who were emotionally neglected by their caregivers as children do not express their emotions much when they grow up. Emotional neglect means that the caregiver ignores the child's emotional needs and they don't pick up on the emotional signals that the child is sending. The emotionally neglected child tries to express his or her emotions to the parent, but the parent ignores the child's emotional expression. Over time, the emotionally neglected child believes that "expressing emotions is useless. They decide that expressing their emotions will only be rejected by others and that they must choose other ways to achieve fulfillment.

4. Children who grow up in violent environments find it dangerous to express their emotions.

Children who witness or experience domestic violence as children rarely express emotions as adults. This is because a dangerous upbringing forces them to be more aware of self-protection. Self-exposure in front of the perpetrator means exposing weaknesses to the other person, which can lead to greater danger. Through self-protection, they succeed in surviving in violent environments; however, they are overly accustomed to relying on this way of survival, and even when they are removed from violent environments, they are afraid to trust others and still maintain the habit of keeping their emotions in check.

On the other hand, people raised in violent environments reject negative emotions, such as anger. They associate "violence" with "anger". Their upbringing lacks a good model for expressing emotions, so they don't know how to express them in a more appropriate way. They are afraid that expressing their emotions will have destructive consequences. 5.

5. Some people are unable to express emotions accurately because their parents are too self-centered

As mentioned earlier, some people have a hard time expressing emotions because they can't accurately recognize them. "How can I say what I'm feeling when I don't even know what I'm feeling?" And the development of a person's ability to recognize emotions is related to the caregiver's ability to empathize. Empathy refers to a person's ability to put themselves in another person's shoes and empathize with and consider their feelings and needs. If the caregiver can put themselves in the child's shoes, respond to the child's needs, and help the child analyze and explain his or her emotions, then the child can learn to recognize and express emotions more accurately.

For example, when a child cries out at the sight of a stranger, a caregiver who recognizes the child's feelings reassures Ta, "Don't be afraid, this person is not a bad person." The child understands that the emotion he or she is feeling is "fear," and that he or she is afraid that the person is a bad person. The next time the child encounters a stranger, he or she will recognize that the emotion he or she is feeling is "fear".

On the other hand, if the caregiver is self-centered and always responds to the child's emotions from his or her own perspective, the child will not be able to accurately recognize his or her own emotions. The child is unable to recognize his or her own emotions accurately and can only passively accept the wrong answers given by the parent. For example, a child is sad because of poor grades and does not want to talk to the parent, but the parent insists on claiming that the child's silence is due to rebellion. At the parent's insistence, the child is also confused, "Is it true that I don't want to talk because I'm upset with my parents?" Even worse, the child does feel resentful toward the parent, but this is due to the parent's rough treatment, not ta

Why do we need to express our emotions?

1. The process of expressing emotions helps us to understand ourselves

Expressing our emotions carefully helps us to deepen our self-understanding. Before expressing deeply, we go through a process of self-examination and organization. During the process of expression, people constantly ask themselves, "What is my current emotion? Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich believes it is important to ask ourselves "what is" questions because "what is" is the part of us that we can truly and directly feel. In continually asking ourselves these questions, people may uncover richer layers and dimensions within themselves, which can deepen our awareness of ourselves.

Moreover, when we try to explain our feelings in depth with long sentences, we will connect the situations that caused emotions in the past with our own emotions in the present, and examine the relationship between the past and the present. For example, one might say, "I feel ...... now because I felt ...... before. "The more one practices deep expression, the more likely one is to logically self-analyze so as to make calm, logical The more you practice deep expression, the more likely you are to analyze yourself logically and make calm, logical decisions, rather than making decisions in the heat of the moment, driven by confused feelings.

2. Expressing emotions creates authentic connections with others.

Nowadays, people feel more and more lonely. Loneliness is not due to a lack of companionship, but to a lack of satisfying connections. One of the conditions for a satisfying connection is emotional intimacy. When you feel that the other person understands your feelings and recognizes your emotions, you feel closer to them.

And the loneliness that many people feel stems from the fact that they hide their emotions. If you avoid expressing your emotions, you also avoid the opportunity to let others know your emotions. Over time, people who don't express their emotions feel that no one understands their true inner selves, but they don't realize that it's their self-imposed isolation that separates them from others. Exposing your emotions to others can be risky, but to escape loneliness and connect with others, people need to be brave enough to take emotional risks.

3. Expressing emotions relieves stress

Speaking out your inner emotions can relieve stress and make you feel more relaxed. When you try to cover up your emotions and make them a secret, you will be anxious about others finding out your secret and will always be on guard, double-checking that you are not revealing anything. Especially when it's a negative emotion you're trying to cover up, the constant self-checking will only cause you to focus more on your negative emotions and dwell on them longer.

How do I express emotions?

The ability to express emotions can be continually improved with practice; it is not unchangeable. There are many ways to help you improve your ability to express your emotions.

First, you can start practicing with simpler expressions of emotions. For example, every morning and evening, look in the mirror and say, "I feel ___ (emotional vocabulary) today because ___ (event/situation) happened today." At the very beginning, you may feel awkward because you were not used to expressing emotions in the past. And it's only through constant expression that you can get used to it, and as time passes, you'll feel more and more comfortable with expressing it.

When describing emotions, try not to use evaluative words such as "good" or "bad", but use words directly related to the emotion, such as "happy", "low", "annoyed", etc. If you feel that you lack a rich vocabulary of emotions and cannot find the right words to express them, you can usually read more novels describing the psychology, or directly search the Internet for "there are ...... feelings, what kind of emotion?" See what words other people use.

In addition to practicing on yourself, you can also find people you trust to practice expressing your emotions, such as friends. Choose to communicate with your friend when your emotions are mild, and don't wait to express them when they are very emotional, by which time you may not be able to control yourself very well, and instead blow your confidence. For example, when a person is very angry, Ta may yell and scream, which is not conducive to communicating with a friend; instead, if Ta chooses to tell a friend when she is a little upset, "I'm feeling a little angry." Ta doesn't get too angry and lose control.

If you find it really hard to talk about some emotions, you can try talking about feelings in a second language. When using a second language, people can talk more easily about things that would otherwise be difficult to say. This is because a second language is much less likely to stir up subconscious feelings of shame. When people use a second language to describe their emotions, they seem to be distancing themselves, and it's this distance that makes it easier for people to rationally self-analyze and express themselves. The next time you feel uncomfortable talking about emotions, switch to second language communication.

Besides verbalizing, we can also try to express our emotions in other ways, such as writing and drawing. Choose a way that makes you most comfortable to start expressing. Moreover, the words and pictures can be saved, so you can see the progress of your ability to express your emotions, and you can also trace the change of your emotions in a certain period of time later, which is more conducive to the management of your emotions.

If you are not good at expressing your emotions, after reading today's article, we encourage you to practice self-expression in a safe environment. Perhaps when you start to express your emotions, you will find that "expressing emotions is not difficult or scary", but rather it can bring you the opportunity to self-examine and the possibility of making deep connections with others.