Alternative Facts

It's April first. Have you been fooled? Did you know that April Fools Day comes from an ancient tradition practiced by the Saxons that originated somewhere around the fifth century A.D?

At the time humor was, let's say, a little different. Since the beginning of April is the start of the spring equinox, Easter being another tradition to celebrate the beginning of crops, the birth or resurrections of natural life, and the new moon, the Saxons came up with a hilarious idea.

Every year they would choose one family in their village and salt all the land they used to farm so that nothing would grow. Further more, they would slaughter roughly half of their live stock, mostly goats and chickens at the time. If someone had a pig it was considered to be in favor of Wodin, the Anglo's name for Odin, himself and that it should be dismembered and laid at the doorway of the family. The intestines were to be hung from the doorway in long strands like some people hang beaded curtains today. Incidentally, this is where that too originated and was later popularized by the Romans somewhere in the late sixth century.

The entire family was then stripped bare and forced to walk through the bloody entrails as the rest of the villagers gathered and watched. They would then throw the rotted crops leftover from old harvest at them. Mostly turnips and parsnips. Laughter ensued.

If the family had daughters they would shave the head of the youngest and parade her around like a "Voorhootent" or demon child of the forest. The eldest daughter was then forced to marry a cow by the village elders. If there were middle daughters they had it pretty easy. They simply had to clean every house in the village or until the village folks said it was enough.

If there were sons it was a little different. The eldest son would be banished into the surrounding forest until he could successfully find and bring back the tooth of a dragon, which of course did not exist. The others were also sent off into the woods to find wood sprites. It was said that if he could bring back seven dead sprites that a wish would be granted.

Often times the mother was made to fornicate with an animal. The tradition ended only when the patriarch of the family was made to wallow in a pit of mud and then whipped six time with a aged leather whip made from the tail of a donkey

The "holiday" would have been nothing if not for the Romans invading. At first Marcus Aurelius outlawed the awful tradition which only angered the Saxons further. But after his death and the abdication of the throne by his son Commodus, a name we aptly given to toilets in his honor, it was reinstated. Even more so, Commodus found the practice so cruel and hilarious that he set about to spread the tradition throughout Europe and Northern Africa. He even went so far as to practice it ever year on April 1st to an unlucky group of slaves before the gladiator fights of the Colosseum.

If anything, April Fool's Day should make you consider the cruelty of our society in general and what we deem and praise as harmless humor. What a gag and a hoot of a holiday that now mostly consists of a text saying "I'm pregnant" and then a brief pause and then a "jk". That in itself, though kind of funny, could give a person a heart attack. Why do you think clowns are always sad? Humor is cruelty. That's why we all like watching the guy getting hit in the crotch with a baseball bat by his four year old child.