A cup of coffee did it

What is vulnerability? Everyone is onto it these days, just be vulnerable it will make you a better person, leader, parent. It gives meaning to life, gives purpose, clear up old traumatic patterns. But what is vulnerability, if it is so profound, why don’t we know it when we see it? Why don’t we feel it when we read about it, why don’t we acknowledge it when it is in the air…like love is in the air …we all like that, but not vulnerability.

It means I have to really look at what I am doing that jeopardises my relationships, my dreams, how I feel about myself. God forbit, it might mean having to change…and that is another pitfall in the making, how do I change? By doing beautiful nourishing stuff, dancing away, singing in the shower, have yet another retreat, search for the happy spots, the sunny windowsills.

Change means recognising an old pattern of self-destruction coming from a place of feeling utterly helpless, and not knowing what to do with this. It happens on a walk in the morning when the dog refuses to take one more step on the sunny path. It comes when my partner happily rides off on his bike in the fresh morning air, leaving me with a deeply disgruntled feeling in my stomach. To the point where I turn around, walk back, lock the dog in the house, try to get to the canal for a bike ride and then decline the offer from my partner, because I actually love my miserable self-destructive vibe. I can rant at the dog, at my partner, at the world, actually whatever and whoever might come in sight. I love my rant, I love my hatred of that part in me, I am addicted to it. It gives me a momentary control, and that is what is missing. When a deep sense of loss of control, helplessness gets me and shakes me around like a dog a toy, I desperately need control and I only get that in the moment with a good old rant. It shocks me when I realise what I do, I feel sad, shame, a sense of utter loss at how I got to this point. What in my past made me decide to never lose control ever again, no matter what?

Science tells us that control provides a sense of safety and as humans, safety is the one thing we all need, after belonging, of course. So here I am back at the question, what is vulnerability then, and how can it help, or make a difference. It takes a leap of faith, a crucial step needed in getting feel my vulnerability, and the problem is to take a leap of faith we need to feel safe. Mostly we need a safe relationship where we can take that leap. And not many have this. We might think we have, but at times the partner we are with or the friend we think we trust, can with ease turn on us when we show ourselves, show the true suffering going on inside. And that leap of faith takes courage, and courage comes from a trust in myself that I can do it, and I wonder if having courage has something to do with being vulnerable. It feels a closed circle at the moment – I feel helpless, I rant, I feel a bit better because at least I am doing something while I rant, I am not totally helpless.

But I see the hurt in my partner’s eyes and I know it is unfair doing this and the dog doesn’t understand any of this in any case. So, I take myself out of the equation and go lick my wound like a hurt animal under a bush and hope I don’t have to face anyone ever again. But my partner brings me a cup of coffee and sits with me, and then I open my mouth and speak. And my heart sighs and my belly relaxes and I know that in this moment, a subtle shift has happened. Vulnerability arrived in my voice and tears and heart.