Phantasmagoria Lavatoria

It’s 2050, and the most exciting thing is all of the new theme parks that are being built. I dragged my son to one, who at first called theme parks old fashioned, a waste of space that could be devoted to regrowing a rainforest, and didn’t think he would enjoy the experience.

I assured him that this specific park, he would enjoy.

“Greetings, visitors! Welcome to Phantasmagoria Lavatoria, the theme park for all things bathroom and toilet related. It’s a dream come true!” A robot announced shortly after we got tickets and walked in.

Joe, my son, raised his hand.

“Can I use the restroom. I really have to go pee,” he asked.

“No,” the robot said coldly.

“Please! I can’t hold it,” Joe whined.

“No. My name is Zephyr, and I'll be your guide on this exciting journey through the marvels of our toilet world," announced the robotic tour guide, his voice crisp and friendly, even while denying my child his bathroom visit.

“And what better place to start than… please, no peeing on the tour guide. Please, no peeing on the tour guide,” the robot repeated until Joe finished peeing on the robots leg.

“I told you I had to go,” the child said and smiled devilishly.

The Android ignored the comment and kept talking.

"What better place to start than the Bathroom Evolution Exhibit?" The robot announced, emotionally unaffected by Joe’s actions. I guess these robots weren’t so smart after all, how could they be if they didn’t mind the pee?

I smiled. Joe was a good kid, normally. He hated when robots told him what to do, called them empty headed trash cans with tiny computer chips for brains. His teacher last year was a robot, it drove poor Joe crazy.

“High five,” I said, and slapped his had.

My name is Dave, and I’m proud to be Joes father.

Every few months, I take Joe somewhere new. We loved our adventures. We followed the robot to its next stop.

"Our first stop is the H2Go station, where we've optimized water usage and waste recycling," explained Zephyr as they approached a sleek cylindrical contraption.

"This system can cleanse and purify water instantaneously, ensuring zero waste. Additionally, it generates energy through the movement of water, powering the entire facility!"

Joe started laughing.

“What is funny?” Zephyr asked in a monotonous robotic voice.

“You said waste,” Joe said, a big smile growing on his face as he cracked up laughing.

Zephyr the robot was indifferent and continued the tour.

“Next up is the Sani-Shower, so full of power! It’s a high-tech booth that cleanses and sanitizes the user from head to toe in a matter of seconds using an array of sonic waves and large misting nozzles,” Zephyr said.

Joe started laughing and raised his hand.

“Yes, unreasonable human child,” Zephyr said and pointed to Joe.

“I could mist you with my nozzle again if you want, ” Joe said, and we both cracked up.

“That is correct. But I do not require sanitation at this time… child, please stop urinating on my leg. I will call for security,” Zephyr said.

“Oh no, not robo-security. I’m so scared of dumb robots,” Joe said and we started laughing.

Zephyr continued his tour, still indifferent.

“Don’t you need to sanitize your leg?” Joe and and smirked. Zephyr ignored the comment and continued the tour.

"We've come far in ensuring hygiene while minimizing our environmental impact," Zephyr noted, guiding us along.

“But what about all the displaced and cut down trees the building of this park destroyed?” Joe asked.

“I have no such knowledge of any tree destruction,” Zephyr said.

“That’s because you’re a dumb robot,” Joe spat.

“Look over there, annoying human child. It’s a tree. There are several trees conveniently placed around the park,” Zephyr said.

“Doesn’t make up for the old growth trees you guys had to cut down, and all the animals that had to give up their land here and can’t find food anymore because of this park,” Joe said.

“I am sure we found any old growth trees in the area nice new homes and relocated them. And oh look. A stray dog eating a hot dog,” Zephyr said and pointed at a golden retriever.

Joe rolled his eyes.

“Let’s continue the tour,” Zephyr said mechanically and started to hum.

The rest of the tour group's fascination with the park grew as they discovered the Waste-Me-Not, a device that broke down waste into its basic elements, reducing the need for septic tanks or sewers.

“I guess that’s kind of cool,” Joe said.

As they reached the end of the exhibit, Zephyr presented the most impressive innovation of all, something they called The Virtual Immersion Cubicles, or VICs. These pods offered a multi-sensory experience, allowing users to interact with different environments while taking care of any physical needs they had.

“Ok, this sounds cool,” Joe said.

"These VICs have drastically reduced stress levels and improved mental health, allowing our minds to relax and unwind. Even annoying human children should enjoy this,” Zephyr said and looked at Joe. Joe crossed his arms and looked at Zephyr right back.

“And if nature calls, nobody has to relieve themselves on my leg. The machine takes care of that for you,” Zephyr concluded proudly and the tour group laughed.

“Please enjoy your immersive experience, and let me know if you require assistance,” Zephyr said.

We sat down and told our pod to take us on a roller coaster ride.

After the virtual ride was over, Joe said “that was amazing. I guess theme parks can be kind of fun after all.” I smiled, glad Joe was happy.

“What do you want to do, now?” I asked.

“Let’s see if this thing can do hang gliding. VIC, do hang gliding. We want to go hang gliding,” Joe said.

A long metal pole moved beneath our stomachs and lifted us up, and a virtual sky came on the screen in front of us. The bars moved as the sky moved, and they even had a machine that blew wind at us.

“It feels like we’re actually hang gliding. This is so cool,” Joe shouted.

We then tried skydiving, bungee jumping, skateboarding, race car driving, kayaking, space traveling, and a warfare style game.

The last thing we did was program the VIC to take us on a hike through Yosemite.

“That was awesome,” Joe said.

“They have an actual roller coaster here, if you’re interested in trying it?” I asked Joe.

“Sure, that would be cool. Old fashioned, but cool,” Joe said.

I smiled.

“You have to sit on a seat that looks like a toilet, though. This whole place is toilet themed, apparently,” I said and smiled.

“Seriously?” Joe asked.

“Seriously,” I said and smiled. Joe started laughing.

“I guess that’s alright. But I’m hungry, can we get waffles first?” Joe asked.

“Waffles for dinner?” I said. Joe smiled and nodded.

“Sure, just don’t tell your mother. She wouldn’t be happy,” I said.

“No kidding,” Joe responded. We walked to the Waffle House inside the park and ordered dinner.