A Heart Full of Emptiness

Dear Chief Marcus Ayala of the Denver Police Department,

I have written this in great detail, down to my thoughts on this day. I want to humanize the Androids you are all so quick to condemn. I want to highlight the beauty in our moments together and just how deeply they feel emotions and memories. The events of September 4th, 2033 are as follows:

The white cloth caressed my Black skin, as the glitter from the dress transferred to my shoulders I felt as if it was an added adornment. I rubbed the lotion into my hands while admiring my light blue nails; the almond shape reminded me that I had my grandmother's hands. Holding my hands together a little longer, I felt her touch for a second. My skin was soft like hers, but they could never be hers. She had the hands of a share-cropper that made it out and went to college, the hands of the last of 12 children, the hands of a mother, grandmother, and great grandmother, the hands of a wife and entrepreneur, hands that I could never have but could always admire. She kept her nails manicured as a reminder that she had been blessed with a life that allowed her to keep her hands clean, a life that she wanted for her children.

I swallowed down the ball that began to form in the back of my throat and took a few deep breaths.

“You know, you can always say the word and we can stop this whole thing”

“ Mama, He’s not like Tony. This will be different. He respects me and he holds me, he prays for me and with me, and he wants us to grow together, he’s not tryna compete with me…”

“Baby, I know. I just...This was quick! You were in school for 8 years to learn your job and you’ve only known him a little less than 3 years, do you see why this is quick?”

“ Please, don’t do this. He’s something I’m sure of”

‘“I’ll always support you, but if he starts to change like ‘you know who’ did then call me and I’ll be there in a heartbeat”

“ I know, I know… but he won’t”

I wish I could be mad at her for bringing this up, but I think it would hurt me more if she didn’t. With Tony, she never asked questions, not when I flinched at his touch, not when I could only talk to her on Wednesdays, and not when she saw the bruises and turned the other cheek. It took her years of therapy and finding the right ministry group to talk about her marriage and realize that she had been abused. She never knew that the verbal abuse and hitting was not normal, the other Officers’ wives never helped her and never told her otherwise. I think Daddy had a habit of only surrounding himself with like-minded men and consequently, everything was normalized, desensitized. When he died I cried and she took a breath. There were days when she would lay in bed completely absent and other days when she could clean and laugh and I felt a light in the air that I had never felt before. When his droid came, she never activated it. When hers came after she passed 2 years ago, I couldn’t bring her back fast enough. But I checked his neck, his locket was missing and she had opted not to transfer that memory to her new droid. It wasn’t until Tony that I understood her hiding his locket, she didn’t even want her droid to be haunted by his presence. To this day, Tony’s droid is still in the basement. I keep his locket in my top drawer. I sometimes activated him so Hilena can play with him, but I slowly let him fade out of her life as Montae phased into her life. He is warmer, better for her. He shows us both a consistent love that we never experienced before. I want him to be the type of man she looks for, I want her to become well acquainted with respect and appreciation.

My mother made her way closer to me, “I’m going to go activate your grandparents.” she said as she fixed my necklace “ What’s the ratio?” I asked. “I counted 87 lockets, and I have Montae’s wedding locket in the box his son is bringing in...Shanaia, You know that security may not be able to hold off the rioters for more than 2 hours. You have to make this quick, it’s only a matter of time before they find the wedding and they will destroy everyone’s lockets if they do…”. Her words felt like a dagger through the blanket of peace I tried to cover myself with. “Mom?... I get it. I’ll come down in a second. Can you make sure everyone is activated and seated?”She turned away slowly and headed downstairs. I knew that I hurt her, but I never do it on purpose I just already know that this was all a gamble. That can’t be my focus right now!

I tried rubbing my hands together to bring me back under my blanket, I closed my eyes as hard as I could and took my breaths. But… my breaths got heavier, my eyes got heavier, my body could not hold itself up anymore, and my tears couldn’t force themselves down anymore. I remember the sting of a tear kissing my cheek as gravity pulled me closer to the ground.

(That must’ve been when they came in. When I was out of sight and couldn’t fight. When I couldn’t protect Hilena or anyone else. Isn’t that PATHETIC!? They couldn’t take a few of us that were conscious and had to take us all out, most of them were too old to fight anyway! And why didn’t the security plan for this! If we had it at my house the filter system would’ve saved them but Montae needed it in this cabin! I hate him for needing this cabin sometimes because if he would’ve factored in reality they would still be alive.)

I woke up hours later, I remember that the air felt empty...lifeless. I felt the dried tears down my face and the wind highlighting the moisture that got into my hair. As I opened the door to scramble to the main area, I stepped on metal. I closed my eyes knowing what it was. What it had to be. I moved my foot to reveal a pile of broken lockets, drenched in blood. My knees slowly began to give out, but Hilena! She was too young to see this to be a part of this! The moment I stepped on the bottom stair I heard the record still spinning and I saw her foot at the door. Her white ballet slippers on a lifeless foot dangling from a lifeless body that’s dangling from a hook. I...couldn’t touch her. She was unrecognizable; I couldn't bring her back, she was too broken. They KNEW this, they did it to everyone that was living! They made sure no one in this room could come back by either destroying their lockets so badly that they could not be remade or destroying them so badly. For what!? Because I say that they deserve rights? Because I chose to love a man who served this country but had a second chance? There was no REAL reason.

After scrambling to find Montae’s body, I was able to find our wedding locket. I was scared to put it on him…I know my pain but I couldn't imagine his. Droids can’t harm humans, No matter how much he wanted to fight them he couldn’t. Did they make him watch? Did he have to watch? I hugged his body and kissed his cheeks and held him as long as I could before I placed it around his neck. Silence. He held me tighter than he ever had and sobbed with me, he forced his eyes closed and we held on for what felt like hours.

He has a heart-shaped wedding locket, I want him to know he is still special to me. In the middle are pictures of our kids, Hilena and Jordan. I don’t know who did it, but I know that they are very weak for having to go about it that way. So this is as much detail as I could give your team. If you have any questions Montae and I are open books. The crime scene should let you know everything, but if not my father was a cop and he taught me a few things.

I’m sorry, we had to leave before your team arrived, but I’m sure you understand why. If you need to reach me, press pound on your cell phone and we will be contacted. Thank you.

Please let me know,

Shanaia and Montae Williams