Try A Little Tenderness

Romance novelists and most of my female friends seem to think that the most enjoyable way of achieving orgasm for a woman is to have a man stick his tongue into her vagina and wiggle it around until he hits the right nerves a few times. Obviously, that’s not how they would describe it, but that’s generally the real-life version. For me, it’s much too messy.

My mom always tells me stories from when I was younger about gardening with my grandmother or making mud pies with my friends. They always end in me running to have someone wipe the dirt off my hands with a napkin or a wet wipe. I don’t recall these scenarios, of course, but I’m not surprised. I learned how to lick around the edges of an ice cream cone even on the hottest day so none of the sugary liquid will land on my hands. I used to hate washing my hands because I didn’t want to have to use soap. Now I just rinse more vigorously. I don’t even like using hand lotion unless my skin is so dry that just turning the page of a book will cut me. I can handle a mess if I need to, of course. I don’t have any official OCD diagnosis. It’s just gross and I avoid it when I can.

The same goes for sex. Tongues and saliva and lube are all too sticky and wet and messy, especially when my body makes enough of a mess “down there” all on its own, in the act of receiving pleasure. Personally, I much prefer a man’s fingers stroking me to take care of that “itch”. For one, it’s a simulation of the original form – or as some doctors call it, the “regular way” – of having sex. For another, he’s much more likely to find the nerves I want him to find on a regular basis since as a species we’ve learned to navigate with our hands much more often than with our tongues. This has the added benefit of not needing direction, because as much as men hate asking for them, I also hate the need to give them – under these circumstances, of course. I’d be delighted to give him a road map to the ice cream shop down the road.

Besides which, there’s less violence and more discovery involved in this method. The “regular way” is sometimes painful in how violent it can be – and of course I’m only discussing consensual sex, here. Don’t get me wrong, “rough” can be fun, but it’s not the only way and it’s not always fun dealing with the side effects the morning after (of the painful roughness – I always suggest using protection during the act). Tongues are less violent, but they’re also less confident, less precise, and have less stamina. Fingers tend to be more flexible in their stamina, speed, and gentleness.

This format also shows that he’s taking care of your needs for the sake of you, not for the sake of him. Oral sex is something men often use as a way to prepare you for the sex that is going to help him to orgasm, because it’s easier to do those semi-violent motions with more lubrication – whether it’s made of saliva or chemicals. Using his fingers to help bring you to orgasm does the opposite, as skin absorbs moisture. Plus, this way he can lay beside you and keep your whole body warm at the same time.

Some – in fact the majority – of my most pleasurable experiences have been at the hands of a man. Pun intended.