The Obscene Adventures of Dirty Lou

Resurrection, The Journey and Revelations

-Part 1: The Resurrection of Dirty Lou

Something religious happened to me. Like a fucking bible story, but real. I was kidnapped, murdered... and I rose from the dead. With a full on boner... rock hard, mother-fuckers!

Here's the low-down... I think. Keep in mind, I cannot be perfectly clear about this. I haven't had a solid rum and coke in ages. Anyhow...

Not even an hour after my last "Gettin' Dirty On The Ave" event, having spent a great deal of "one-on-one" time with some local sluts and their moms, everything in my life got bent.

Some know-it-all, goody-two-shoes dudes showed up to the after party (held at the Dirty Lou Den of Smut and Body Fluids) with shit attitudes and not a single whore in hand...

Apparently pissed about their girlfriends getting herpes or some bullshit.

I don't have herpes... a lot of the time. At least I didnt' that day...

So they shouldn't have blamed me, the worlds sexiest man...

Anyhow... about an hour into the party. These two Doosherino's show up.

Conversation as follows:

Doosh #1: Hey are you Dirty Lou?

Dirty Lou: You fucking know it! Need a lesson in swordsmanship or something?

Doosh #2: You gave my girl herpes your fucking scumbag.

Doosh #1: Lets do it!

Dirty Lou: Do Wha......

Mid sentence I'm whacked in the head with either a small baseball bat or a large dildo. I didn't have time to see exactly what it was before I blacked out. I hope it was a large dildo though. A black one.

I woke up some time later, probably 8 or 10 hours or so, daylight, being dragged out of the trunk of a car. I was beaten more then dumped into a ditch on the side of a rural highway.

Then... nothingness. I had a sense of absolute nothingness.

As my body lay there in the ditch, covered in some branches and leaves, my spirit began to detach itself and float away. I was then looking down at my gloriously sexy corpse from above.

Man I'm the tits!... even as a bloodied-up lump of meat!

I was floating there for god knows how long. I watched the seasons change, rain, snow, ice, melt, flowers, growing grass, dying grass, leaves changing color, falling and regrowing.

It was like watching a time lapse video. But it felt like only a minute or two.

Then I heard a voice say in a low whisper...

"You're not ready, go back and spread your seed."

I was yanked back down to my perfect Greek-statue of a body.

Then WHAM! I wake up. My clothes are soaking wet, no shoes and a raging boner. Horny as fuck!

The weird thing is I didn't wake up in the ditch.

I arose in a giant open shower area. Like a high school locker room, or prison.

I'm in the fetal position, soaking fuckin' wet atop the floor drain... shivering with my classically-handsome dick in my hand. Also, like high school... or prison.

I quickly realized I was surrounded by a half dozen naked dudes, all lathered up in soap... showering.

I found myself in a sex addiction clinic. It was obvious when a giant male orderly yelled at me "no looking perv!... two more group sessions for you"... then hit me with the firehose.

Lucky me!

Yeah it was shocking. But even so, all I could think of was stabbing some quality poon, eating a solid serving of fish and chips, a sucking down pack of heaters with a few stiff rum and cokes.

I have no idea how I got there, how much time had passed or how I'd ever get home. The only thing I was certain of was the instructions the voice from above gave me. That little whisper...

"Spread your seed."

And since I found myself in a sex addiction clinic... When in Rome bitches!!!

Fast forward a bit.

After a few weeks there I'm kicked out of the clinic for some bullshit reasons, like banging two of the homely nurses and the short-haired head psychiatrist.

Her name was Dr. Mike. Flat chested, but a great ass. Strong legs on that one. Same shoe size!

But once i stopped tossing the salami to the jealous nurses, those pussies tattle-tailed on me ... and I was politely asked to leave by Dr. Mike.

She was afraid the clinic director would find out about us. So she drove me to a motel a few miles down the road, gave me $200 for a room, some food, a sack of dirt weed and a bus ticket out of town... and a note to be "treated" by another doctor down in South Florida! What a lady.

If her friend in Florida's anything like her... I'm in for a cornucopia of copulation... a smorgasbord of sluttery... an abundance of anal... a buffet of blowies! Dr. Mike was a real giver... and a great taker.

Now, before she left my hotel room... we did some light "rimming", medium-paced "skull fucking" and some hard core "power porking"... as a farewell.

Loved her mustachioed upper lip. Reminded me of that hooker named Steve. She musta been Italian I think.

So after my last night of passion and fury with Dr. Mike, it was off to the Greyhound station. If you've never been to a Greyhound station, its a must do... a bucket list item.

There's plenty of desperate ho's representing every color of the rainbow... tons of smelly hobos willing to give you part of their cigarette butt collection..

And lots of oddly sticky seats and benches coated with some weird brown shit.

It's fuckin' heaven.

And if you're into meth... don't even get me started!

Part 2: The Journey Home

Now 20 hours on a Greyhound bus may sound like a long time. But trust me, if you can do it right... it's not! If you're the type who is on the prowl for adventure, the bus is for you.

I had my seat near the back. There's a shitter back there that stunk to high hell. I caught two hobo dudes fucking eachother in that cramped toilet room. So, of course, I went in and closed the door behind me.

Not to gangbang with the homeless, but to smoke a heater in there. It stunk so bad that the smoke from my menthol cigarettes made the place smell much better... like toothpaste.

The two bone-jammers could care less that I was in there smoking... and giving play-by-play like Al Michaels did during the USA vs. Russia hockey game at the Olympics way back.

Do you believe in miracles!

The real miracle was I fit in there with them. One guy sittin on the toilet seat, the other guy sittin on top of him... and me crammed next to the sink.

Now, even though the guy on top was totally rubbing on my junk with his forearm... as he bounced up and down, I didn't care. No big deal. Just a couple dudes doing what dudes do.

The guy sitting on the toilet reached his head around the side and asked me for a smoke... while his shit covered balls were deep in the other guy. Of course, since I had a near full pack. I gave him one. I share when I can.

The other guy, the top one, who was playing pogo-stick, didn't smoke. But he didn't mind that me and the bottom guy did. So he was cool too.

Nice fellas actually. Johnny-Bo and Panama. Turns out, all three of us were headed to the same place... Delray.

After two cigarettes I went back to my seat and took a long nap.

Woke up a few hours later somewhere in Florida. Broke down on the side of the highway.

It was hot as fuck. The AC went down with the engine. We all flooded out of the bus and waited for another bus to pick us up. And this is when the real fun begins...

There were about 40 of us on the side of the highway. It wasnt like I-95. It was some rural highway with very little traffic. So we all chilled out.

One kid had a frisbee. An old spanish lady was knitting hats and the two hobo friends I made took off and disappeared into the woods for a while.

I played frisbee, smoked a joint with a guy who just got out of prison for selling fake credit cards and spent about three hours with the spanish lady learning how to knit.

I knitted a little hat for my Johnson. Like a wool condom I guess. I've never worn a condom so I'm not certain what they look like. But it did fit snuggly... and kept my cock nice and cozy.

It looked a lot like one of those "Jamaican" hats with the fake dredlocks. Like the ones you find at Spencers in the mall. Super cute. I donned it and decided to call my dick "Lil Bob Marley." Dancing around, pants at my ankles, singing "no woman no cry."

Frisby kid got a kick out of that... his mom winked at me. I quickly came.

Smoked another J with some old guy who says he runs a fortune 500 company... but likes the thrill of the road... He dipped into the woods when he saw the hobo dudes peaking out behind a tree.

Probably to get himself into a vagabond fuck sandwich. Hobo-CEO-Hobo. Good for him! Thrill of the road, they say.

I played dominoes for a while with an old Cuban dude named Pablito who spoke no English. Had a huge scar across his face and neck. He beat me every time. He's a fucking dominoes savant... He should be on ESPN.

10 hours on the side of the road. It went by pretty quickly. Then another bus came and picked us all up.

It's weird.

Maybe something psychological, I don't know. But every person grabbed the identical seat they had on the old bus. So back to my old seat... next to the shitter. This one smelled like bleach though. Bleach and puke. But not the bad kind of puke.

The two hobos, Johnny-Bo and Panama... and the CEO guy got back on too. Appearing from the edge of the woods just as the other bus pulled up. They stunk like mushrooms, dirt and semen... with a little festering tooth mixed in there.

A pleasant mix actually.

I got the bathroom all to myself for a while. Smoked about 5 heaters in there until frisbee kid needed to take a shit. Then back to napping.

A whole lot of stops in tiny towns in the swamps. I grabbed a coke at one stop, and a twinkie at another.

Now, the lady at the general store at the twinkie stop was something else!

Her name was Charlie. She said the bus only comes by twice a week, so she sells some gas-station shit and tries to get laid every time the bus visits.

She knew the driver, Bob, and invited him and I for a quick round of poke-the-donut-hole. So we went around the back of the place to fuck... by a broken picknick table, a fire pit and a couple used propane tanks.

There was a rusted out 55 gallon drum filled with empty beer cans and bullet holes. Bent Charlie over it and drilled for oil. Bob got behind me to "push"... total team work on that one... High fives all around!

Nice enough mouth on her too. But very hairy legs and a butthole as loose as an empty hefty bag. But hell... beggars cant be choosers.

Charlie and Bob the driver apparently hook up every time the bus comes in... and only invite certain guests to join them. So that made me feel good and special. Now, it woulda been nice if Charlie didn't charge me for the twinkie. But again... beggars.

After that quick bang, we all got back on the bus... And just a few hours after leaving the swampy areas of Florida we came into civilization. Got onto a bigger highway and started beelining for Delray. The last stop for me.

Grabbed another heater or two in the bathroom, rubbed one out in the toilet, headed back to my seat and gathered my shit.

Next stop... Beautiful slut infested Delray Beach!

Part 3: Revelations

Got off the bus and headed towards the legendary Wanker Pub. Johnny-Bo and Panama took off to Pat's Liquor Store.

I didn't have a car or cell phone, so I had to walk it. About 20 minutes.

Opened the side door to The Wanker, expecting to see a bar full of friends and whores. Nope...

Turns out the Wanker was sold to someone else... and they kicked out all the scum.

So it was only three quick rum and cokes before I realized I was no longer welcome there.

There was one bartender still there from the old days... He said hi and explained the "new" Wanker to me...

Apparently they now cater to people with money. People who wear shirts. Shit, there was a guy there with a tie on!

No longer allowed to get a blowjob by the dumpster. Can't vomit on the patio anymore... and now they even "cut you off" after too many drinks. Yuppie bullshit.

Not for me. Finished my last sip and decided to walk over to The Dirty Lou Den of Smut and Body Fluids... my old apartment.

Now I figured that after seven years someone else moved in. But I had no idea the entire place changed. The building was painted, all the doors replaced (they used to have fist marks and bent lock plates from people trying to pry them open with screwdrivers).

I knocked on my old door and some kid wearing black jeans - jeans as tight as yoga pants - opened it up. Told him I used to live there. He came outside, closed and locked the door behind him.

I chatted with him for a bit. Super weird guy. He was smoking a cigarette that was battery powered. Not like a real cigarette. It was a metal box filled with liquid that smelled like watermelons. He told me that he's lived there for three years and sits on the "community" board.

Community board? What tha fuck...

His job on the "community" board was to ensure social justice. I'm not sure what that means.

He kept telling me about fairness, corporations, tweeters and twits and an AOC? Don't know what that meant either... what's an AOC?

He was drinking something called cum boocher? Or some shit like that. I don't know. It didn't look like a rum and coke, thats for sure... The place was alien to me.

So I finished my heater, totally weirded out... and left. Headed to another bar I used to frequent. O-Konns.

I got about 10 steps out of the complex before I remembered the note that Dr. Mike gave me. The note for "treatment" from another doctor down here.

After spending so much time walking around the shiny new version Delray Beach, and meeting the "community" guy in ladies pants... I certainly needed some "treatment." I couldn't stop thinking about all the holes I was about to fill.

And, of course, I had a pretty solid boner... set for liftoff. Ready to rock and roll.

So I skipped out on O-Konns to find a pay phone. Wanted to call the good doctor asap.

But fuck, there's no payphones anymore. Can you belive it? I've only been gone for seven years, but I swear it feels like a century.

So back to that "community" guy. Knocked on his door again and told him my situation. Asked if I could use his phone. He said "of course"... now I get it!

That's what the "community board" is all about!

Helping a horny dude get laid. Every neighborhood should have a guy like that. Maybe skip the girls pants and smoke a real heater... But otherwise, great guy!

So I call the doc, she say's "glad you made it to Delray. I've been expecting you. Stay where you are, I'll send a car to get you"....

Holy FUCK! She's just as horny as I am!

This is when shit gets weird...

A car shows up about 10 minutes after I called the doc. Some giant dude gets out and calls over to me to get in. Says he's with the doc. Ok... I'm thinking gangbang? Me, the huge dude and the doctor.

He opens the back door of the car for me, like a chauffeur, and I get in. 10 minute drive... guy says absolutely nothing to me. Not a single word. Keep in mind, I'm still rock fuckin hard.

We arrive at the doctors office. A big building in Boynton Beach. The next town north. He opens the door for me and asks me to follow him in.

We go in a side door. The doctor is waiting there for me.

The doctor is A MAN!

I'm thinking, what the fuck. I'm ok with a dude playing sidecar, but we need at least one chick or it's gay.

Well... fuck it... let's just see where this goes, I think to myself.

The big dude leaves (yay!) and I enter the doc's office. Just him and me.

First thing he does is open a file folder... spends a minute reading it... then takes out a huge syringe.

Now, i'm not into needles. My drugs get smoked or eaten...

Doc tells me it's ok. Don't worry. It's just a little prick. I giggled... it's not THAT little.

About a minute after he injected me, we started a conversation...

conversation as follows...

Doc: Louis, do you know where you are?

Me: Yeah, slut infested Delray Beach... well, Boynton now...

Doc: Do you know why you're here?

Me: Well I was expecting you to be a woman... Dr. Mike sent me.

Doc: Do you know why you were in Georgia, with Dr Mike, Louis?

Me: I was kidnapped and killed. I woke up on the shower floor at a sex clinic.

Doc: Louis, you weren't kidnapped. And you certainly weren't killed. You were transported to Georgia seven years ago to a treatment facility. You've mostly recovered and are now in my care.

Me: Treatment facility? Treatment for what? I was kidnapped by two assholes who thought I gave their girl firends herpes. They killed me.

Doc: Louis, you weren't killed. You had advanced stage syphilis. You were infected at least a decade ago. The disease has been eating holes in your brain causing hallucinations.

Dr. Mike has been treating the disease and you've progressed enough to return home. Now you're here, with me, in my care, to finish out the treatment.

Now, this may all be scary Louis. But you've developed psychosis and schizophrenia. Our treatments have stopped the spread of the disease and now you're going to be here a while to fully recover.

You'll be receiving continued physical and mental treatments to help restore your memory, your brain power and your sense of self. But don't worry Louis, you'll get better. You'll get through this and soon enough you'll be back to normal.

Me: Wait! So everything that happened to me in the last 10 years was in my head? All the chicks? Their moms... porking toots on the reg? Bonghits on the toilet? All the awesomness?

Please don't tell me the Cleveland Steemers weren't real... Please. Did I even go to Disney World? The lezbos????

Doc: Well...

Me: Ughhh.... So you're telling me it was all just a dream... a long slut-filled dream?

Doc: Well, Louis, sort of. Much of what you've experienced have been hallucinations, for at least a decade... maybe longer. Perhaps as far back as 2005. So yes, you've been in somewhat of a dream-state for a very long time.

But... Remember, Louis, some of those memories must be real. You contracted syphilis, after all...

Me: Aaahh, that makes a lot of sense i guess... Are we still gonna fuck?