The Kegel Facts by Salty Vixen

I have amazing kegel* control. In general I have a very muscular body, and the kegel is no exception. With no other movement or thrusting, I have been able to make guys cum from my kegels alone. My gynecologist has gotten in tug-of-war matches with it, and that poor little woman nearly lost an eye.

This is an ode to the almighty power of The Kegel.

The Kegel does not sleep. It lies in wait for its next feasting.

The Kegel can crush a man from ten feet away.

The Kegel has two speeds. Fuck You and DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE.

The Kegel is so powerful it is the reason dinosaurs are extinct. Even the velociraptors were afraid of who was to come.

Angelina Jolie and The Kegel are kickboxing partners. Tickets to watch the kickboxing matches sell on eBay for a googol dollars.

A good vibrator requires four C batteries. If The Kegel were replicated, it would require all the C batteries ever manufactured, and a few thousand D batteries for full speed.

The state of Texas wants to change its official name to be “The Mighty Republic of The Kegel Because Everything IS Bigger and Better Here,” which is an anagram for “Chuck Norris totally has a crush on The Kegel and wants to smooch on Her and have a million of Her superpower babies and become a househusband who cooks chicken casserole in the nude.”

Texas is the only state big enough and badass enough to hold Walker, Texas Ranger and The Kegel at the same time–as long as one is down by Mexico and the other waaay up in the panhandle. And they’re not facing each other. Or blinking at the same time.

The Big Bang was named in honor of The Kegel. It was how the Little Bang became a man. Afterwards he cried and The Kegel bitchslapped him back to Creationism.

The Kegel can have continuous multiple orgasms. It was called 2003.

The Kegel invented its own sex position involving four bulls, a vat of firey embers, a ripple in the space-time continuum, all the warriors involved in the Trojan War, and a ritual sacrifice of Brad Pitt laid naked and bound before me right here in my bedroom.

All the continents were once united as one, called Pangaea. Then The Kegel sneezed. The continents have not yet stopped moving in aftershock.

The Kegel once appeared at Fight Club. All the men ran for their lives except Brad Pitt. He was the only man who knew he would never stop, go limp, or tap out. Instead he lay down and took it like a man.

The Kegel is so strong, Chuck Norris wishes he had a vagina.

If The Kegel looks at Chuck Norris, he starts to cry.

If The Kegel winks at Chuck Norris, it breaks his neck.

If The Kegel reaches out and grabs Chuck Norris, he sees The Light. From the pits of hell.

Salty Vixen, writer of Erotica stories and Audio stories, find her site here.

And now, may we have a moment of silence for all of those who have fallen before The Kegel.