I’ve Got You Pegged — The Practices of Pegging

(Originally published December 3, 2021)

[Brief disclaimer: I finished this up while feeling ill, so please be extra forgiving of spelling and grammar mistakes. Non-drowsy cold medicine is a lie.]

When I first asked my wife about trying pegging, I was nervous. I don’t know why. Oh, right. I have Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder and live in the constant fear that everyone I know and love is one step away from leaving me forever if I ever take up space in their lives or voice a desire for something. But other than that, my hesitancy didn’t make much sense. We’ve been sexually adventurous, and even if I suggested something she wasn’t into, her answer has been “No, thank you,” instead of “Get the fuck out!”

I’m glad I told my brain to shut the fuck up and asked her. While our first attempt was less than spectacular, it wasn’t enough to discourage us from trying again. Since then, it’s worked great. But even people without occasionally debilitating anxiety are shy to try. There’s a whole lot of societal perceptions about what it means to be on either end of that strap-on. However, something about it must make people want to try it and keep doing it.

But Why? … Butt Why?

What is the appeal of pegging? As with most things related to sexuality, it comes down to personal preferences and motivations. Though, some of it does come down to a science. We have a growing body of research that helps us understand the psychological and physiological mechanisms for the pleasure associated with BDSM.

However, for anyone with a prostate, there may still be a lot of question marks. In a review of the medical literature published in 2018, Dr. Roy Levin wrote, “While there are many studies of [the prostates] reproductive function(s), there are relatively few that characterize its recreative functioning.” And, in what is perhaps the most academic way to say that porn exists, he also noted, “Unlike the sparsity of academic literature on prostate-induced orgasms, there appears to be an enormous number of internet sites involving such activity.”

But for people who are getting railed by someone sporting a silicon phallus, perhaps the science isn’t as important as the sensation.

People Lover has been experimenting with prostate stimulation since he was a teenager. Now in his forties, he still loves it. And, “Pegging offered an intimate way for my wife and I to participate together with butt play.”

Prostate orgasms typically have a much shorter refractory period — the length of time after climax where the nerves are unresponsive to more stimulation. When talking about a penis, that means how long it can take before you’re able to get an erection again. The prostate orgasms’ shorter interval opens up the opportunity for multiple orgasms. And just having an anus means having a whole bunch of nerves that can feel really good when properly stimulated, whether you have a prostate or not.

But for some, it’s more than just how it feels physically that’s the allure of pegging. For Ahna Nemus, it came down to:

I didn’t see why I can’t experiment with fucking a male partner via anal if so many men wanted to do it to me. We can kiss each other, go down on each other, but I can’t stick anything up their butt?

She wanted to be clear that the partner had to be into it but that the expectation that anal stimulation could only go one way “Sounds like an unfair deal.”

Her partner’s enjoyment is what draws Raine in. She loves that her partner is really into it. “Is there anything hotter than the intensity when someone is *really* into a thing?” She chronicled her first experience pegging a guy in a guest post for Girl on the Net. “I fucked him extremely lustfully that night (twice!), and I hope to one day be able to fuck him as hard as he fucks me.”

Pegging brings with it a chance for role reversal. DeonteJa11 was pegged several times by his ex, and “They were amazing experiences that we enjoyed switching up from time to time.”

Besides knowing anal stimulation felt good, I wanted to try pegging for similar reasons. It was interesting to feel for myself how much work it is to ride a dick. My wife also got to experience what it’s usually like for me to be the one thrusting. (It ended up being quite the workout for muscles neither of us had used in that particular way before.)

Pegging also offers an opportunity for a power exchange that’s enticing for some people. Chris says that while he hasn’t tried it, he really wants to because, “As a submissive, I find it a huge turn-on because I’m being fucked instead of doing it. I’d feel powerless if I were pegged. I would feel like I have no control over anything.”

George Hanery would also like to try pegging not only for the potential for multiple orgasms but also because “The thought of being subservient appeals to me at times.” He finds the idea of submission attractive, especially “trusting someone enough to be able to submit to them.”

People Lover has a humiliation and emasculation kink, and “pegging is a mild way to enjoy those feelings. I have lived my life entirely as the alpha male, so it was cool to experience the other side.”

But DeonteJa11 would like people to understand it doesn’t have to be rooted in submission, humiliation, or emasculation.

While that can be a form of play between two consenting partners, it is NOT the only way. Pegging has many forms and is not limited to one form of play. I want to change the idea that pegging is only painful and rough.

Pegging is like oral sex in that way. The act doesn’t have an inherent power dynamic, but it easily lends itself to that sort of framework. You can suck a dick or get tied up and have your throat fucked. You can get pegged, or Mistress can peg you while calling you her little bitch to humiliate and emasculate you.

Heteronormative Patriarchy and the Pegging Thereof

One of the problems has become people only perceiving pegging in a dominance and submission context. It ties penetration to dominance and being penetrated to submissiveness. If individuals want to treat it that way, that’s fine. But we run into problems when most people think it has an inherent power balance.

Since women are typically being penetrated during sex, it enforces a perception of the feminine as inherently weak. It ties into these ideas of sex where a man is “taking” something from a woman. It feeds into purity culture ideas like women who have sex are like pre-chewed bubble gum or a ruined flower. And that perception can have long-term adverse effects on sexual function.

And that brings us to Cara Delevinge wearing a bulletproof vest with the words “Peg the Patriarchy” stamped on the front at the Met Gala. More than a few people thought the statement, at best, missed the mark. Blisse Wynters says:

I don’t think that was the flex she thought it was. It felt like being pegged was being associated with being less masculine. But I’m not sure if servicing an entire population of men to get them off is really the way to cut off and reset an uneven power dynamic. But what do I know?

Nemus pointed out some of the other implications the fashion choice had. Too many people view pegging from the old “‘it’s ok if a man does it to another man, but he can’t be on the receiving end’ mindset.” She found that damaging and counterproductive. She didn’t like the implication that pegging was just about “forced femme implications. We can smash the patriarchy without resorting to sexist cliches.”

Though, it wasn’t the meaning that was intended. Oh, not by Cara Delevingne. Delevinge very much meant it as “stick it to the man.”

That was not the message’s intent from the original creator, Luna Matas, a Toronto-based sex educator who copyrighted the slogan in 2015. The fact that it was stolen, uncredited work is only part of the level of cringe.

In an interview, Matas said, “Remember that as a fat, queer, POC, I am working twice as hard just to do what I’m already amazing at.” She laid out how she faced a lot more of the brunt of patriarchy than a rich white woman has.

And as for the message she intended for the phrase, it wasn’t supposed to be about anal sex or men. “It’s a metaphor for subverting the system that requires subservience within a gender binary.”

While some might disagree with her phrasing and the images it evokes, I find the intended message much better. As for the aftermath, she wants credit for her work.

Since that didn’t happen, it seems less like sticking it to the man than fucking over a queer, fat woman of color … much like the patriarchy does. Removed from the original context and given the “stick it to the man” meaning, it becomes about who’s in charge of the exploitative system, not dismantling it. But that aligns with many criticisms of white feminism and girlboss feminism.

I don’t think that was what Delevingne hoped for, though she may not have given it that much thought. As DeonteJa11 put it, “I believe she was trying to be super edgy, and it backfired. It fed into the stereotype that pegging is forceful, non-consensual, and not enjoyable.”

Give and Take, but in a Bad Way

In the wake of the PS 5 release, a series of jokes and memes fed into the forceful, non-consensual, and not enjoyable stereotype. The entirety of the “joke” was that girlfriends would buy their boyfriends a PS5 if he let her peg him.

And very few of them ended with the guy going, “Holy fuck, that was amazing. Let’s do it again.” It was more “Ow, that hurt” or “oh no, what did I get myself into.”

Yes, explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. Sure, you know how it works, but it no longer works. But it does lead to the question: What is the actual humor to be found there? That pegging isn’t supposed to be enjoyable? That it’s something meant only to be endured? That its only purpose is to stick it to the man?

It also carried with it other implications. Nemus explains, “Any of these jokes that frame gaming as a male thing that women just suffer through annoy me because that’s not my reality.” But she was also bothered by the “implication of coercing one’s partner into a sex act in exchange for something.”

If someone offered to peg me, like People Lover, “I would certainly enjoy it, and I wouldn’t even need a PS5 for compensation.”

Wanna Try?

The remote possibility of a new gaming system isn’t a great motivation to attempt pegging. Raine would suggest just trying it for the experience, “I just really wish that more people would let go of their preconceptions of pegging and give it a go!”

Wynters would very much like to try, but “I haven’t had a partner interested. Or at least would admit that’s what they wanted…”

And, there very well may be plenty of people who want to try but won’t. It could partly be because of the preconceived notions enforced by societal narratives that lead to things like Peg the Patriarchy and the PS5 exchange thing.

“Does X make you gay?” has become one of those things where it’s hard to differentiate attempts at satire from people who think things like wearing sunscreen or using an umbrella have anything to do with sexuality. What do you do when someone says having sex with too many women makes you gay? Do you take that as an actual belief or just a joke that’s become indistinguishable from something some people might actually think?

It’d almost be funny if not for the fact that it ends in things like guys refusing to wipe their asses. There’s also how men reject prostate screenings because they think it threatens their masculinity. And, of course, there’s the idea that being gay is something you should avoid at all costs. Toxic masculinity is really fucking up some men’s understanding of how sexuality works.

Some worry about what anal stimulation might mean about their sexuality. People Lover says:

Probably the biggest misconception is that if a man wants to be pegged, he’s gay. That’s just not true. If a man is attracted to other men, that means he’s gay. In this case, wanting a woman to fuck him in the ass with a strap-on is very heterosexual.

Chris wants people to know, “It’s ok to be pegged and don’t worry about what other people think of pegging. If you like it, you should enjoy it.”

As for the pegging partner, before trying it, Raine said she thought, “I’d feel detached from the action, but that didn’t end up being the case at all.” Instead, “I felt a very intense connection with my sexual partner, in a way that I hadn’t been expecting because I was using a dildo to penetrate him rather than a part of my body.”

And the pegging partner doesn’t have to rely on just the emotional connection. There are plenty of ways to stimulate them during pegging. Other toys can be employed. When my wife and I first tried it, one of the big problems was that the starter harness we got just ground against her pubic bone uncomfortably. So we did some digging and found this one with a double-sided dildo, which worked much better. It ended up being the inspiration for her dive into NSFW Twitter.

But there are still other practical issues to consider. While there are plenty of resources out there, you need to be careful where you’re getting your information. Nemus would love to see more mainstream and realistic depictions of pegging because, “The fantasy of being able to just slide in after a hot and heavy make-out session is great and all, but you might accidentally hurt someone if you did that in real life.

To avoid unnecessary pain and injury, DeonteJa11 says:

Start small to fit your comfort level. It can be intimidating to see someone who can take a large dildo/pegging device. But even they had to train to get to that level. Take your time with your comfort level and go as far as you like each time. Perhaps you might want to try something different than last time. That is perfectly fine.

With the role reversal, there can also be some logistical issues. Nemus described her difficulties with one partner, who was 6'4" while she was 5'6". And then he liked to add heels. “Here I am, trying to figure out how to have sex doggy style with a partner that’s almost a foot taller than me without the heels. There was definitely a learning curve.”

Finding the right position and angle can be difficult, but you can make magic happen when you do. After her first experience, Raine says, “My subsequent attempts have been even more fun.” She found her partner likes being on his back, and if they put a pillow underneath him, it lifts his hips so they can get the right angle. “I absolutely adore the look on his face when it really hits the spot.”

The sensation can be rather intense and the reactions as well. Nemus describes it as:

Have you ever watched a person with a vagina when you find that right combo that sends them over the moon? That eyes roll into the back of the head, soul left their body, died & came back, had to grab hold because they started bucking? That was how I knew I had found the right spot on their prostate.

Having been on the receiving end of a good pegging, I can attest to the pleasure of something hitting just right. It was interesting to be the one yelling, “fuck me harder!”

And pegging comes with it all the usual issues with anal sex. You need to communicate. Use the right kinds of toys. Lay down some towels. To avoid infections, don’t put anything that’s been in someone’s ass in a mouth or vagina.

And DeonteJa11 would like to add one last piece of advice.

Like all forms of intimacy, have fun and enjoy it! And remember the golden rule, NEVER ENOUGH LUBE!!! Seriously, don’t be afraid to just slather everything with lube. It helps A LOT.

In the end, it’s up to you what you stick in your back end. If pegging intrigues you, look into it. If you have a partner, talk to them about it. Like anything sex-related and beyond, you have to be willing to accept a no, but — in a healthy relationship — there should be no harm in asking. And who knows, you could be well on your way to exploring more fun permutations of your sexuality, trying something new, and experiencing firsthand how much work it is to ride a dick or thrust into someone.