Ménage à Trepidation — How the Anxious Engage in Multi-partner Sex

(Originally Published on November 5, 2021)

[Author note: A lot of the sources quoted here do not use trans inclusive language. And as with my previous articles, I’m drawing my interviews from NSFW Twitter. For those outside that space, your mileage may vary.]

Anxiety sucks. When it hits you, your pulse races, and your breath quickens. Your muscles tense. You start to sweat. A jolt of adrenaline shoots through your system as your body prepares for what’s coming next.

But that also happens during sex. However, when it comes to sex, all of that is usually enjoyable. While there can be surprises and variations of the desired results, you know what’s coming most of the time. You, hopefully.

Anxiety disorders change that. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), the five major anxiety disorders are Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Panic Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Social Anxiety Disorder. Any one of these could easily wreak havoc on your life.

It doesn’t matter if you’re in a perfectly safe place in a perfectly safe scenario; you might still end up in fight or flight mode for no discernable reason. “The Anxiety is louder than the logic,” says erotica author Selena Powers.

Adult performer Amethyst doesn’t leave home often. Her anxiety means that things like grocery shopping and going out to meet with friends in public is a lot more challenging for her than most. And she says that, despite meds, “Even online, I find myself isolating rather than reaching out or joining a group.”

The interplay between sex and anxiety is complex, highly individual, and can vary from sexual encounter to sexual encounter.

Sometimes sex can be a great way to relieve stress. Getting head can be a way to get out of your head. Multigenre author Leto Armitage says, “I’ve always been highly sexed, so even when stressed and anxious, I usually want sexual relief and enjoy being with my partners.”

When he was single, Eugene Galt, writer of gay erotic novels, “found it difficult to meet people in bars or the other usual gathering places.” But once he did meet someone, “my anxiety almost never got in the way of sexual performance.” When it comes to sex, “I can leave other aspects of myself behind, including those affected by anxiety.” But for others, sex itself can be the point of stress.

Since anxiety is a fear response, blood is pulled towards the vital organs, which disrupts the blood flow required for getting and maintaining an erection and having sufficient vaginal lubricant. Stress can cause vaginismus, the involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor muscles. It makes sex extremely painful, if not impossible.

Anxiety about the issues with your body or sexual performance puts you in a downward spiral. The more you worry about performing, the less you can perform, which increases your anxiety, which makes you worry more, and so on.

Multipartner Sexual Encounters

If you’re nervous about speaking in front of a crowd, some people will tell you to picture your audience naked. What happens when your audience is already naked, and some of them are fucking? While for some, that sounds like a panic-inducing horror show, for other people with anxiety, sex — including multi-partner sex — can put them at ease.

Powers says she dreads “being around new people because I’m constantly worried about their perception of me.” And while being around friends is easier, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. “I always feel judged.”

Her anxiety was a major impediment to her sex life. It wasn’t until she was 33 that “I met people who took the time to make me comfortable with sex and with myself as a sexual person.”

Powers described her feelings before her first threesome as “excitedly terrified.” It had been a long-time fantasy of hers even before realizing people actually did that. But she also had to battle the ingrained societal perception that “good girls don’t do this.” Because her lovers were experienced in the poly lifestyle and knew about her anxiety, they could make sure she had a good time by discussing things beforehand.

Adult romance writer C Pells says, “Being a person with anxiety can be hell. But preparation can make it easier, particularly when it comes to anxiety and sex.” While “spontaneous sexual experience is romanticized,” she says, “the best group sex does not just happen. At the bare minimum, some level of mental preparation should happen first.”

Erotica writer DraconisLit describes himself as a very quiet person. “I hate large crowds, and I struggle to meet people in an in-person sort of way.”

But he’s had multiple threesomes. “Once planned, I usually had no issues leading up to the situation.” Even meeting the people to discuss it beforehand was easier. “I never felt nervous in those situations. It was like I was a completely different person. I was more confident and relaxed.”

Negotiations are often the essential part of the preparations for multi-partner sex, but even more so for those with anxiety. What those discussions are going to look like is different for different people. One threesome Amethyst had “wasn’t exactly planned as it was just inviting me over to see if there was potential, but it happened anyway.”

For someone else with anxiety, the semi-spontaneous nature might have been too much. But for her, “sex changes my anxiety. I’m more confident in sex than social situations where I might have to strike up a conversation or break the ice on a first date.” And she even felt more relaxed during it because “I found that being with multiple people puts less pressure on me sexually than a one-on-one.”

Amethyst isn’t the only one who finds sex easier than social situations. For those who enjoy it, casual sex can actually lessen anxiety. Pells understands how it feels to be more at ease with sexual situations than with less intimate social interactions. “When I have to interact with others, it is a major stressor.” But,

I tend to jump into sex at the start of getting to know someone. This is because, sexually, I am unusually comfortable in my skin. When it comes to sex, I am in control. I know what I’m doing, what my limits are, and usually, what to expect. Sex is my comfort zone.

When Anxiety Strikes Back

Anxiety levels can vary wildly depending on the situation. Armitage had no issues while living in a poly household with three other people. But other multi-partner sexual arrangements made him less at ease. For a while, he was active in the BDSM community, teaching and attending classes. Because of the overlap between the kink and swinger community, he ended up invited to gatherings with “twenty to thirty people from the kink and swinger lifestyles, and while it was never labeled anything, they were sex parties.” He’d spent time teaching about BDSM, but that had clear rules while ‘hanging out’ at a party did not.

I found anxiety pretty crippling at these and spent the first few mostly hanging out in the kitchen and being stand-offish. Over time I learned the social rules. I don’t know how it is for socially adept people, but I always feel like I have to learn the rules of a group, and sex parties were no different.

At first, he found it much easier to attend the members-only nights at a private club. It “was very much a sex orgy with little in the way of friendship or interaction. I got laid there a lot, far more than the house party.”

Though somewhat paradoxically, “socializing at the house party took energy, but it was comfortable over time. The club had little in the way of socialization, but it was never comfortable, and I never stopped feeling anxious.”

Kaylee is a multimedia adult content creator who can feel at ease among friends, but “if I’m in a situation where I don’t know a lot of people, I’m very anxious.”

Given this, she admits it is a little strange that she chose a career “where I have to be very extroverted, through either being on webcam, doing fetish-related audio, or phone/chat interactions — all with people I don’t know in real life.”

Because of her career, she’s adopted a “fake it til you make it attitude when I’m overly anxious in social settings.” And while she loves getting to know people, there’s always an undercurrent of anxiety. “In the back of my head, the anxiety is always brewing. Did I make a good impression? Do they like me? Was I too weird?”

Love the One You’re With

Who you’re with can have a significant impact on your enjoyment, similar to how someone with Social Anxiety might have a much easier time with friends than they do with strangers.

Kaylee was anxious at the beginning of one long-term relationship “because a lot of my sexuality focuses on fetish and kink, and theirs was on group play and the swinger scene.” While she is “very curious and open-minded about all things sexual,” she was anxious “that I wouldn’t fit in or that I’d do the wrong thing. Sexual compatibility in a relationship is very important to me, and I find most of my anxiety stems from that.”

In the beginning, she and her partner had a lot of threesomes with people they both knew and were comfortable with. There were people “into poly relationships, the kink scene, the swinger lifestyle, etc.”

And while the threesomes weren’t planned out, “they didn’t just happen either. If someone who was into the same stuff that we were came over — there was always the background possibility that it would end in the bedroom.”

When things were planned, it was different. Kaylee’s boyfriend suggested they attend a sex club. He understood her anxieties and helped her as best he could, but she still had trouble relaxing. When they found a space where they could observe others having sex, it was easier for her. “I could stand silently and just watch everything in front of me without having to talk to anyone or participate.”

She was too anxious to partake in group play because “the casual aspect of it all was out of my comfort zone.” But watching had been enough of a turn on she did end up getting a thrill from having sex with her partner in front of other people.

She enjoyed it, but after she was ready to leave. She worried that her boyfriend would judge her for not having the full experience, but “my boyfriend was supportive. He was so excited with how open I had been and said the night was a complete success.” He’d just wanted to share the experience with her, and he “was proud that I was open and didn’t push myself to try something that I wasn’t ready for.”

For those who are more submissive, a dominant partner, or partners, can lessen their anxiety. Erotica writer Charlie MacIntyre has PTSD and Social Anxiety. She avoids crowds and works from home, which makes it challenging to meet new people.

She can feel very insecure. That coupled with a high sex drive means she “can go from zero to one hundred with no warning and I tend to jump into things without thinking to try and do stuff before my PTSD or Social Anxiety kicks in,” which can mean her libido crashes very suddenly.

But she’s lucky to have a partner who is “both reassuring and dominant enough to stop me from doing anything stupid.”

She and her partner worked out the broad details of a threesome, and then MacIntyre handed the reins to him. She knew that it would happen, but not the who, where, and when. While that might spike other people’s anxiety, having those particular choices taken out of her hands made it easier for her.

If I know what’s coming, then I have time to get anxious about it and can either end up backing out or making myself ill from worrying about it. I trust my partner to know and respect my limits, and he has a great feel for what will or won’t work.

Still, there were lingering anxieties about being liked by their third. “My partner is very charismatic, and I don’t feel like I am.” She also worried she might panic during it or feel insecure after.

But in the end, none of her fears came to pass. “My partner made a great choice. It was a woman I’d met before, though not in this context.” Her partner had explained things to their third, and she “took a dominant/leading role and kissed me, and I felt able to relax and go with the flow.”

Powers also had a similar experience. Her threesome was with a dominant couple who took charge. “Once I gave them the power, it was much easier for me to let go and enjoy, to do what they said and enjoy it because I was submissive.” She later became comfortable enough with them to invite others to join because “I’d had a successful experience, and I trusted them to only bring good people into our bed.”

But she does caution that “Being part of a throuple is three times as complicated as a monogamous relationship. It takes more honesty, more communication, more of everything.” Since this can increase anxiety, it’s essential to “be sure you’re in a good place emotionally before seeking out this type of relationship.”

Again?

Each person I talked with said they would do it again, and some never stopped. A few people had things that would have to change, like relationship status. Kaylee says she’s open to the idea, but if it were something like another sex club, it couldn’t be “on a ‘holiday’ weekend. I later learned that Halloween was one of the busiest times to attend. I’m also not sure if I will ever be open to having actual sex with that much anonymity.”

Armitage wishes he’d been more honest with people instead of hiding “behind a layer of calm disinterest.” If he could do it over again, he would have talked more with others about how nervous he was. “I later learned from several people that they felt the same way I had but didn’t know how to broach it either.”

If you read this and think that you might want to give it a shot, take advice from those who’ve been there.

Galt asks that you “Take stock of what you’re hoping to find in such a situation.” It helped him get out of his head, but “it may offer you that, or it may not.”

MacIntyre says, “I think finding the right third or fourth or more is key. I wouldn’t have been comfortable meeting someone online, for example, but my partner had someone in mind, and I trusted him with that.”

Powers agrees.

The people involved in a ménage have to be the right people outside the sheets first. Take your time. Know it’s going to be a little awkward at times (that’s a lot of body parts to deal with!), but if you’re with the right people, they’ll help you through it.

You need to be flexible with your expectations and understand that comfort levels can change. Kaylee says, “Being OK with something in a fantasy situation can be very different in reality.” She highly recommends scoping out venues and getting to know the people you’ll be interacting with. “If that is too anxiety-inducing, there are many resources online where you can get to know people who are into the same things. It can be a safe space to explore your sexuality when you have social anxiety.”

Pells stresses the importance of enthusiasm, both as part of consent from others but also how enthusiastic you are about participating. “If any part of you says this is not for me, GTFO.” It not only can make you miserable but others as well. “Your negative vibe will spread faster than crabs in an orgy. It is a bad time for everyone. Save the fake smiles for the family Christmas table.”

She also says you need to make sure you’re following the host’s rules, “assuming they are within your own boundaries.” Every host should have their own set of clearly expressed rules. And if they don’t, “DO NOT GO. That is a recipe for disaster.”

There is no one-size-fits-all solution to the complicated interactions between anxiety and sex — no matter the number of partners. Everyone’s a little bit different. But the basic principles remain the same whether it’s one partner or forty and whether you suffer from anxiety or not. Negotiation and preparation. You need to discuss what everyone is comfortable with. Consent must be explicit and can be withdrawn if someone realizes they aren’t into it as they thought they might be. You should make sure you have plenty of barriers — condoms, gloves, dental dams, etc. — and lots of lube. Hydrate. Stretch. And always know where your towel is.

During a pandemic where we still haven’t reached herd immunity may not be the best time to have an orgy. But now is the perfect time to work out the details of the post-pandemic fuck-fest.

Stay naughty. Stay safe.

If you’d like to find out about Selena Powers’ writing, you can visit her website.

If you’re interested in Amethyst’s work, you can find links to her pictures and videos on her linktree.