Honey Milk.

Like milk, you drank from me.

I don't crave you between these thighs anymore. I don't think I ever really did. I craved the idea of what I though sex should be. In my head, I have explored a love so deep to the point where I swore I would look crazy to think that what I want could exist, not to be a Debbie downer just a pessimistic realistic based off of my own experiences.

I don't even want sex, I want to be seen. I feel so repulsed by the idea of someone swimming inside of me, swimming in my energy and just walking away back to their own reality like it was normal for them, when for me, it wasn't. I've accepted less than I know I wanted but I know what I deserve. I don't like casual sex, my trust is very guarded. I don't feel like others have bad intentions, I just know what I want. My vagina is mine to do what I please with it, and with that I choose to nourish it. The idea of love is just so out of my league and not in my energy right now. I still love the idea of love but I don't want to give someone else the access to my vulnerability at the moment. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm still healing wounds that have not fully recovered just yet. I've had individuals feeling allowed access to me they damn sure didn't deserve. Never again. Never again will I feel regretful for giving myself to someone again. I am my greatest asset and I will treat myself as such.

Healing is a wheel that keeps turning, there are days that I feel up, alert, passionate, and motivated, but I've faced many days where I've felt lost, down, frustrated, lonely and confused.

I don't want to love anyone more than myself. I am beautiful and, I am worthy and I am capable of loving. I don't know why my focus goes to a man, but I just love the idea of being in love. Love however doesn't mean allowing a man between my legs. Letting him taste me doesn't make him love or want me anymore. It feeds the animalistic part of him that craves for the warmth and ecstasy from the milk of my honey.

Not to sit here and give a pessimistic view because love truly is beautiful but to give an awareness of the reality that lust plays within love. Yes, I know that love isn't quite easy and fun, it's not like the fantasy that social media makes it to be. Maybe it isn't so much wanting a man, it's more so I just like to daydream about it. The lover's archetype that I am can contest to that. A goddess of love. I can love myself like I want myself to be loved, but I want to love someone else. I crave to touch someone, not sexually but to feel their warmth, to have them hold me, for us feel safe. I want THAT.

I've had men that when deep inside of me, would say say to me, words meant to soothe, yet, all they did was talk to the unhealed part of me that clung to them out of a space of desperation. I wasn't desperate for a man so to say, I was more so desperate to hopefully feel the love that I had been desiring for how long.

It took celibacy and time off to really see how valuable I was. Everyone is allowed a choice and mine was to establish a relationship within myself before I have myself to someone else to claim, however like everything else it is much easier said than done. Whether it’s the society that we live in that romanticizes relationships to the point that many young men and woman like myself desire a relationship we’ve only ever seen in movies or behind the screen of the internet. Love exists but it is not what we have been taught to think it is. It was much easier for me to establish the type of love I want with myself first.

Of course at times, when my impulses were tested I found myself slipping back into the he arms of the person who made me feel as though I needed to be celibate in the first place . It was a rollercoaster of actions, emotions, and impulses. It was the loneliness, the familiarity, the escapism that dragged me back everytime. Yet it never healed anything, if anything it set me back and I was more than fed up each time.

Life sat me on my ass and gave me no option but to trust but to grow in the person that I felt like I couldn’t be without . My strength is in my vulnerability because it’s real, my strength lies in my authenticity. I still go through the motions but i trod on because I know there is nothing else for me to do but to guard my heart and my honey with a vengeance.