Why Do You Do This?

"Why do you do this, time and time again?"

"Do what?"

"Wander off alone. Do your own thing. Separate from anyone else. Move from one place to the next to the next. Don't you want to be part of a group, to belong?"

"Oh I really do. I try. But I think I'm an outsider by nature. At least that's been most of my life experience so far. I have friends, they're just often in different places than me and live their lives quite differently. Whenever I've tried to become part of a group and fit in, I failed. I just cannot. I feel like I'd have to betray myself to fit, either because I'm fundamentally so unlike anyone else or because everyone else does exactly that, to some extent at least. Betray themselves, I mean. And I simply cannot do that."

"You are being dramatic. And stubborn too. You could just adapt a bit, make an effort. You don't need to give up all your ideals, convictions, character traits and whatever else so that you can be part of a group. Most people manage to fit in just fine and you have no social anxiety or are fundamentally antisocial."

"I just know who I am, for the most part at least. If I didn't, it would be easier to mold myself into the expected shape and form. It is simply my life experience that most people care about completely different things. They function differently. I mean, we all do, that's the beauty of being human, isn't it? Its diversity? That we can be so deeply distinct and still accept, maybe even understand each other. But in any tribe, any herd, any society, there will be members on the edges. The outsiders, the misfits, the weirdos. It's not that they don't want to be popular, liked or cared for. Instead, they just come to learn over time that if they go after being liked, they cannot live with themselves. So, it is a choice in a sense. The choice to live. Live in the only way they can. We can."

"That... well, I didn't know it came from that kind of place. I thought you were just stubborn, a bit arrogant and unwilling to make compromises. I see how you talk to people, how you listen. You engage deeply. You get lost in conversations. I always end up confused after seeing you like that. I come back to asking myself why you go through life alone so much of the time."

"Yes, I get it. It is confusing to me too. I mean, I might still be a bit arrogant and stubborn. But I only know deep engagement or no engagement. I despise small-talk, though I've learned to give it my own twist recently. Essentially, I make it as random and unboring as fast as possible. That might throw the other person off-track but well, in the worst case we both miss out on ten minutes of ranting about the weather and dysfunctional public transport.

Sometimes, the other person is up for it and then it gets really interesting. I've met some crazy people - in the best possible way - through that genius technique lately. Sarcasm aside: they're just very much themselves. That's what attracts me about them. It's what I most admire in anyone, really. I think you can feel it. Well, if you develop the sense anyways. Those people who continuously become more themselves, who live in their very unique way, have their weird quirks and usually don't care much about common wisdom or public opinion. I may just admire them because I recognize parts of myself in them. Though it is true that you probably cannot fit in as much when you're like that. It's the price you pay."

"I'm not sure it has to be that way. But I hear you. I guess belonging to a group is really a completely different story for someone like you."

"I wish it weren't. I've been alone more than I'd like lately. But I'd always rather be alone than around people who make me feel lonely."