Where the River Runs

It's hard to come back here knowing I'm alone. Knowing that the only sounds I will hear are the leaves crunching under my feet and the river water being whisked away downstream. I won’t hear the laughter that we once shared together, the sounds of us both gasping for air after the time I slipped and fell down the big hill, and landed in the mud at the bottom. I was so uncomfortable for the rest of the day; but it must have been fate, because it’s what led us to discover the hideout. We knew we could be alone there since it was so close to the dark part of the forest no one would ever be brave enough to venture into. Sometimes we would hear strange noises, and I was scared at first, but she joked that if there were ghosts, they’d never come this far in, making me feel safe like she always did.

I’ve never been able to bring myself to return to that spot of the woods that we marked just for us, the spot where we draped black sheets over the trees surrounding it, and dragged in those two old, rickety chairs that we found on the side of the road. We left a part of it open so at night we were able to see the stars clearly in the sky, wondering about how vast the universe truly was. The place was simple but it was a home to us.

A part of me thinks that’s where she might be. Hiding away from what she once knew. I think… I think a part of me wants to believe that so much, that I know if I go and she’s not there, I have to admit she’s really gone and isn’t coming back.

She was my best friend. Every joke, every smile, every crazy adventure, we shared together, and it was the happiest time of my life. Thats why I’m so lonely now. I feel that if I allow myself to laugh and to joke with another person, it would be a betrayal to her memory, and I wouldn’t be doing enough to hold on to the friendship we had, like I’d be replacing her.

It’s strange. This place used to be our safe haven. A place we could escape to, even though we had nothing to escape from yet. It was the one thing that was ours. No one could take it away from us, and it could never be gone. I never expected her to be gone, but in the end…she was.

I’ll never forget that day. It was fairly ordinary to begin with, boring even. Though it was normal for her to disappear for a few days every so often I was worried. She hadn’t been in touch. Still, I could feel that this time it was different. She had never been away for that long without letting me know she was ok, she wouldn’t do that to me. Then at two o’clock on the dot when her mum called me, I knew.

This was the first place I came after they told me they couldn’t find her. I told the police about our spot, as much as it pained me to share the secret place we had together, they had to know, if they were to find her. I kept thinking ‘if they haven’t found a body she might still be out there. I still believe that, although I’m beginning to think I may be driving myself mad, looking for even the smallest sign that she might still be out there somewhere, alive and breathing. And waiting.

Everyone else has just about moved on, but I can’t do it. No one else knew her in the way I did and I know she would never leave me. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t.

Sometimes I think I see her. Out of the corner of my eye I can swear I see red hair blowing in the wind, or her laugh echoing, running through the trees. Sometimes I’m caught off guard by the sound of a voice similar to hers, only it belongs to someone else. I still think if I believe it’s her, it will be; but it never is. It’s just my mind playing tricks on me.

They all keep telling me to give up, and there’s no hope left; but if my best friend taught me one thing, it was hope is the one thing that can never die, because it can never be taken away if it’s rooted deep enough inside of someone. So I’m not losing hope. I’m not giving up on her, not yet.

It’s been a year today since I got that phone call telling me they had found her phone and jacket washed up by the side of the river, stained. I can barely even remember what I’ve been doing for the past 365 days, but it seems like a lifetime since we saw each other. I’ll never forget the last words she ever said to me… ‘I’ll see you there.’

I never did.

I’m here now. I don’t know what pushed me to come back but I just knew it was something I had to do, and it had to be today. As I pushed my way through the trees, they weren’t as safe as they used to be. They were cold, and it felt like they were trying to warn me of something, telling me to get out while I could, but I didn’t listen. They used to be so friendly, so welcoming.

I wasn’t scared, though I knew I should be; even walking along the riverbank where her stuff was found, almost tripping over discarded bits of wood, I kept a calm disposition. As I neared our spot it started to feel as if my mind was becoming clearer, all thoughts being swept away with the breeze. As the black sheets covering the branches came into view, I saw a dull green light emanating from inside, drawing me closer. Even if I wanted to stop and turn back I wouldn’t be able to, the force was becoming stronger, pulling me from within. The sounds of the forest faded away the most steps I took, and the world around me seemed to disappear into darkness.

I stepped into our old fortress, one empty chair lying on it’s side missing a leg as if it knew no one was coming back to use it. I stared blankly ahead, red hair directly in my view. I knew I was right to come back today.

My mouth gaped open, her voice ringing in my ears…

‘I was beginning to think you wouldn’t show up.’