What is love?

There were two loves in my high school years. First there was E. He was fun, cute, popular looking, had nice things, a family and lived right around the corner from my aunt whom I visited many times. Yes, the same aunt who took me when I was 4 when I stopped talking and eating. She stuck around and always made me feel welcome in her home throughout my childhood.

I met a group of guys and we all clicked right away. E had a swimming pool, so we would go swimming and hang out at his house, always. His house was the place to be.

We began to date, fool around. I honestly don’t even remember how it all began! All I remember was I was hooked, sprung and attached like gum on the bottom of a shoe. That's probably how his parents saw me at least.

We spend all summer together, as much as we could. All the kids still hung out, but E and I were inseparable.

One day his childhood friend from Hayward whom I never met before came to visit him. We, of course, were all swimming. Hanging out and having a great time. This kid had long hair and was different. My first impression of him was him getting out of the pool as I was walking into the backyard, and let’s just say, his shorts were wet and clung to his body. He stood there, realizing what we all were seeing, and just fell backwards back into the pool. WELL, nice to meet you J. We all thought that was pretty funny.

At one point, J was sitting on side of pool drinking a spritzer water and I happened to walk up to him. We caught eye contact. His reaction was somewhat shocking and confusing. He said, " your eyes are the devil". It really through me off. I to this day don’t know what he meant by that. That is the last time we really talked, and I am not sure I understood him after that. It would be until the next Halloween that I see him again.

E and I would spend the rest of the summer together. We made so many fun memories. Until I had to go back home which was over an hour away. The distance did not get in the way. We talked on the phone daily, I sent letters and I would visit as much as I could. He was all I could think about. Talk about first love obsession. This love story went on for the entire year. Until the next summer.

Summer-

This time I moved to the area! At this point, the group is a solid group of friends. Best friends! E and I were back to making out and doing all the boyfriend and girlfriend things. This summer he had jet skis. We would go on the weekends and tan, play in the water and just be kids. E and I would take off in the lake and find hidden areas to kiss. Kissing while wet and in the water was the best feeling. All the sparks inside of me just exploding while I tried to play it cool and act normal.

During this summer, Halloween came around. E was invited to a party in Hayward at a longtime friend’s house. Of course, I went with him. I dressed up as a baby, with bottle and slippers. I can’t remember what E was. We got there and it was packed! All adults, which was fine being I mostly was around adults all my life anyways. I was ready to party!

When we got there, to my surprise, there was J. E's childhood friend. However, something changed in him! He was taller, longer hair, very handsome and he was dressed as a woman! What a great Halloween costume. Nylons, a dress and makeup!

The night was going well, the drinking was taking place all night when I realized I couldn’t find E. I finally found him passed out upstairs in the attic. I was pretty annoyed and embarrassed. Being we were at an adult party, I wanted to look like I was mature and could hang with the crowd. I ended up leaving him up there and went back down to the party to have more fun.

The party began to fade, and J and I were left to hang out pretty much by ourselves. We were sitting on the couch and talking. He had a cherry lollipop and asked me if I wanted to taste it. I said sure. Mind you, I was already feeling some kind of way unexpectedly. None of that was planned and I can’t even explain how it started, being I was so in love with E!

J went to let me taste the lollipop and when I did, he put it halfway in his mouth and halfway in in mine. I literally lost all my control and the kiss happened. There was no stopping, we were hot, and the fire was started. We kissed until we couldn’t anymore. Everything felt amazing, new, scary and I couldn’t believe what I just did.

I woke up on the living room floor to E stepping over me. He looked at me with disgust. I instantly knew I was busted. I looked over to find I was laying next to J, under a blanket. I jumped up and ran after E and got into to car. The ride home was silent.

As you can imagine, my relationship with E got pretty rocky after that. I however, failed to mention that my cousin had been hanging in the picture this summer with us. E was very drawn to her and it was obvious which left me feeling very hurt and insecure. This event with J was not too unexpected in my eyes being I was feeling unloved.

I spent the rest of the year trying to convince E that I loved him which through me into a desperate and low self-esteem pathetic looking girl.

Throughout the rest of the year, E began working and building his life. I however, was so obsessed with him that I spend every minute I could. I would go to his house after school, even though he wasn’t home, so I could be there when he got home. Then I would sneak out at night to be with him. We had sex for hours in his low rider truck or in his camper outside his house. We did all the firsts together. The windows would be dripping in dew. The fun and connection and trust we had when we our bodies were connected seemed unbreakable. The kind of love that is written about in 80's movies. (yes, this was in the 80's) It was during the day that was hard.

As the attraction for my cousin and E grew towards each other, and was very obvious, I began to retract. Feeling defeated and lost I began to stray and inspect that connection with J . And the love triangle began…