Walters Song

~Walters Song~

As Charlie awakes, he glances over at his vintage Garfield clock and quickly realizes that he overslept. “Oh, dear God! This cannot be happening…I set my bloody alarm!” he squealed while racing downstairs to pour his already pre-brewed coffee. “Ugh, where’s the damn sweetener?” he mutters under his breath. As Charlie gulps his coffee, he glances up at his 2018 calendar of his favorite band, Spoon, and realizes the date today: February 20th. He was not late for anything…his partner Phillip’s plane gets in tomorrow, the 21st, but what he does realize, as tears begin to infiltrate his rare dark green eyes, was that this day, eight years ago, was the day he got sober, and his journey of healing began.

When Charlie staggered into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in downtown Vancouver at 12:00 pm to a group named: East Hastings Hope

He stank of cheap whiskey, stood six feet tall and weighed a malnourished 145 pounds, had a cigarette burn scar on his left cheek and blisters on his lips from the below seasonal average February temperatures. As he approached the table with the big industrial-like coffee pot and an array of coffee additives (including real cream), Charlie’s eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store. He was shivering, and a cup of coffee seemed like a million dollars in that very moment.

As he started to pull the lever down to fill his cup, a guy approached him from behind and says, “Hello, I’m Phillip, is this your first meeting?” As he turns around, left hand shaking, trying not to spill his cup of coffee, he locks eyes with Phillip and responds, “Yeah, I have never been to one of these things before, but I have a friend I went to elementary school with tell me about this place last week on Facebook; she told me she got sober here nine years ago". There was something comforting about Phillip to Charlie, like he had met him before.

Phillip was a little shorter than Charlie and had the kindest dark blue eyes, silver-two-tone-short-chestnut brown hair, the same two-tone stubble, and his attire was like that of a 90's alt. rocker. “What is your friends name? If you don’t mind me asking", Phillip asks Charlie. “Her name is Renata, why? Do you know her?” Charlie replied. Phillip smiled, “Yes! I do know Renata, we and some other AAs just had dinner together a couple of weeks back…Oh by the way, I did not catch your name? My name is Charles, but I go by Charlie".

Renata was a six foot, proud and loud Indigenous trans-woman with a raspy-sultry-voice like that actress from Romancing the Stone, Kathleen Turner. She had long caramel brown hair to her waist in half inch braids and a gold nose ring; after getting sober, she went on to become a Human Rights lawyer at a grassroots law firm in downtown Vancouver.

While engaged in conversation, the two of them went to take a seat as the meeting was slated to start any minute. As they sat down, Phillip glances over and says, “Charlie, you’re in the right place; I will get in touch with a contact I know at Fresh Start Detox on East Cordova Street. Then from there, they will safely help you transition to a sober living house in Burnaby. We need to get you clean and sober, safely housed and off the streets. Are you ready and willing to accept my help?”, “Yes, I am ready", Charlie replied, with a sigh of both reluctance and relief.

The meeting was an open-podium-share-format and people were taking turns going up and sharing, introducing themselves as alcoholics before saying their name. As Charlie sat there and listened to people share things that resonated with him whole-heartedly, he knew right then and there that he was in the right place. One of the common themes in people’s shares was because of finding the rooms of AA, they never had to drink and drug again, and that all they had to worry about was today…just don’t use today.

There was about five minutes left until the meeting ended. Charlie had warmed up and was starting to sober up; by then he felt safe. The person at the podium asked if there was anyone else that wanted to share before they ended the meeting. Without thinking twice, Charlie raised his hand and said, “I would like to share”.

As he approached the podium, his stagger turned into a slow pace with his head down, heart beating fast and an intense determination to be a part of whatever this thing he found was: “I guess I should start by saying, I think I am an alcoholic/addict, and my name is Charlie. This is my first meeting and I have been homeless on and off since I arrived here over 10 years ago from Nova Scotia. I have not spoken to my parents in six years, and I heard about this meeting from a childhood friend who got sober here.

I had two drinks a couple of hours ago to take the edge off the other substances I was up all night doing. I am tired of selling my body on the streets and doing petty crimes. I don’t wanna die and I need help. I just wanna say I could really relate to a lot of what has been said today and hope to make it back tomorrow".

As he made his way back to his seat thinking to himself how proud he was to have done that, he locked eyes with Phillip exchanging a warm and subtle smile. In that moment, Charlie knew that somehow, from that day forward, he was going to be okay, and that perhaps he also made a new friend in Philip, who never left his side the entire time they were at the meeting.

Charlie was born Charles William Walters, to a working middle class family in October of 1981, just outside of Halifax, Nova Scotia. He was the youngest of two boys. His brother, Nathaniel, was born five years prior. His father, Neil, made a modest living as steel worker and his mother, Tessie, worked as a pastor at a local Anglican church. From a young age, Charlie harbored feelings of attraction towards his male friends, and he could not understand why. He recalls the feelings intensifying at the age of 12, along with his slow decent into becoming a slave to substances, which immediately gave him a sense of relief and escape like nothing he had ever experienced.

To various members of the community, church, and extended family members, his home life appeared to be intact, but Charlie knew otherwise. When he was 11, his brother Nathaniel went on a fishing trip with some friends and never came back. His death was ruled accidental; he fell off the boat and drowned. His body washed up into the Halifax Harbor, two days after he went missing. As time went on, his parents became increasingly unstable mentally; his mother, eventually leaving the congregation as a pastor and drifting in and out of the psych ward for sporadic breakdowns. His father was already an angry person before Nathaniel was killed, but became even more so after losing his oldest son…taking out a lot of his anger on Charlie.

Along with the developing feelings of internalized shame regarding his feelings towards other boys, the untimely death of Nathaniel and his increasing turbulent home life, it was perfect ammunition for Charlie to start convincing himself that substances were the solution. In middle school, he grew rather close to a new student who transferred from a school on the Eskasoni First Nation in Nova Scotia.

His name was Kitchi, who later in life would transition to a trans woman, proudly calling herself Renata. Both he and Kitchi grew close, and without knowing it or understanding it at the time, they would go on to be each other’s inspiration, even when the universe had them go off in different directions just before ninth grade. Kitchi’s father was offered a teaching job out west, so the summer before they were to start high school, the family made their way to British Columbia, leaving Charlie feeling more alone than ever. It was not until later in their lives’ journeys that they would reconnect as adults.

By the time he had hit twelfth grade, Charlie decided to drop out and pack up his 1991 Volkswagen GTI that his father begrudgingly bought him for his 16th birthday. He had managed to generate a bit of seed money selling weed to at least get him to where he wanted to go. At the time, he thought getting as far away from his family and his life on the east coast was going to be just the change he needed. He ended up in Vancouver just before his 18th birthday, and as he sunk further into the dark bowls of addiction, before he had realized it, it would be years until he reconnected with his parents.

The year Charlie sobered up, he, Philip and Renata grew close. It was not until three years later that he and Philip had their first kiss aboard The SeaBus (Ferry) connecting North Vancouver and Downtown. They had been at Phillip’s parents in the north-end celebrating the upcoming release of his anthology of poems; Phillip was already an acclaimed writer when they met. From that night forward, after sharing a kiss under a full moon on the SeaBus, they began dating and eventually moved into together. For many years leading up to them meeting, Charlie had a hard time getting close to men and being vulnerable.

After the death of his brother and the tumultuous relationship with his father, it would be a couple of years into sobriety where he could break through those “walls”; it was through intensive therapy and Phillips’ patience, that guided him from self-love, to finally getting to a place where he could give and receive it. Along his journey of self-discovery, Charlie went back to high school and then on to college and became a Child & Youth Worker. He was able to train and specialize in healing trauma through music; it was music that carried him through a lot of life’s turbulences, and he always had a passion for it.

The day following his over-sleeping and mix-up, Charlie was just about to leave for the airport to pick up Phillip, he received a phone call from his parents who were still on the east coast. They had slowly been rebuilding their relationship; his mother was able to stabilize some years prior with her mental health, and his father, now retired, seemed to have softened up a little bit. They had called to say how proud they were of him, and they were looking forward to he and Phillip visiting them in the spring. This would be the first time since leaving all those years ago, that Charlie has been back; It will also be their first-time meeting Phillip in person.

After Charlie hung up from the call with his parents, he was enthusiastically off to the airport to pick up the love of his life Phillip. He had been on a trip for two weeks promoting his new book, and coincidentally, one of his stops was on the east coast, an hour from where Charlie grew up. As Charlie parked the car in the arrival’s terminal, he proceeded to the gate to wait for Phillip. As the passengers started walking out the gate, Charlie glanced up and could not believe his eyes; there with Phillip was his parents. The whole time Charlie was speaking to his parents, they were on the plane with Phillip beginning their decent into Vancouver International Airport. This well-orchestrated plan had been in the works for a couple of months. Both Charlie and Phillip were busy with work and their other life commitments so that made it a little easier to keep this secret from Charlie.

That evening, Charlie would celebrate, along with Phillip, Renata and his parents: eight years of sobriety. When his sponsor Warren called him up to the podium to accept his sobriety medallion, he looked out into the audience at Phillip, his parents and Renata, and began to tear up while beginning to talk.

Charlie expressed his gratitude by saying:

“This is the first time I have seen my parents since leaving the east coast many years ago. I have no regrets, because without that decision I may have not found my way to you people and began my journey in sobriety. This journey has not been easy, but every tough day sober was better than my toughest day out there using. I want to dedicate this medallion to my brother Nathaniel, who passed away when I was 11. He was a gentle, kind and always encouraged me to do me; when he died, those parts of me slowly withered away, and it took many years to finally get back to that and see my self-worth. I miss him every day, but strongly believe that those qualities he had, were some of the qualities that I see in my partner, Phillip.

All we have is today, and if your new to this program: keep coming back…don’t leave before the miracle happens. In closing I’d like to say that if nobody has told you today that they love you, I love you! Thank you all for my sobriety".