Waiting in the Wings

All was black, and my eyes were tired, but still, I could not sleep. There were neither unsettling fixations by which to get startled nor nearing excitements about which to dream, and I believed these to be the reasons why. It had been so for some time, and I pondered the possibility of sharing the night with some old pals of mine – pals with whom I had not shaken hands for as long as I could remember. Summoning them tonight of all nights would imply a fourth consecutive gathering in a row, and so I hesitated. I hesitated as I wished not to disturb those who had already found peace at such a late hour, and I waited for a sign.

A hoot sounded in the distance, and I recognized it to be that of David’s. He must have sensed the uneventful loneliness oozing from the wounds of my bedroom walls, for his hoots persisted, each ensuing cry more blaring and insistent than the previous one. I popped my head from out my window to the starry night sky above and instantly deducted the owl’s whereabouts. In need of companionship, I decided to set out for the barn. After slipping into my bathrobe and slippers, I cautiously snuck down the stairs so as not to awake my parents and headed for the kitchen cabinets. My throbbing headache had not yet made me capitulate, but I figured painkillers might do the trick. Once the capsule container was snugly enshrouded within the pouch of my bathrobe, I poured myself a tall glass of water and was on my way.

The one advantage to having moved east of the island was the St-Hyacinthe brilliance of the constellations, all densely packed within the dismal depths of the enormous ocean over which I brooded back in Montreal. With so many past marvels it now had to offer, this anxiety of mine would usually slip away, for it was often trounced by serenity, at times ennui, never elation, but the last two were simply due to an unfathomable lack of gratitude on my end. As the stars carried on perforating the black of the sky, David called at me once more from within the barn, and I snapped from my stupor. There lay my intimate, perched on a crooked branch which extended out from the top of the wooden staircase. David was a heavenly owl whose facial expression was forever one of stunned bewilderment. We had encountered one another back in the early weeks of 2016 when he was but a frightened owlet. My succession of sleepless barn nights had him develop quite a fondness for me, as did I for him, and I christened him David from the very start. After setting down my glass of water on a nearby stool, I climbed up to the bird, and together we looked out at the night sky through a tiny opening in the wall.

"How is it going, my little Starman? "

"Hoot."

"Yeah, I always said it was the one advantage of living here. "

"Hoot."

"David, keep it down. You might wake up my parents. "

"Hoot."

"Yeah, that’s true. I was thinking maybe Marietta? I haven’t seen her in a while. Or maybe, Frederick? "

"Hoot. "

"Louis never answers my questions though. He kind of gets on my nerves sometimes. We’ll see, I guess. It’s not a bad call. I just want to have a conversation with anybody at this point."

We were a couple of nighthawks, resting beneath the warmth of a single lightbulb, surrounded by a lifeless dusky unknown. David and I remained silent for some time, each of us silently drowning in our respective streams of endless thoughts that went nowhere. As my mind turned its focus on the painkillers, a cracking noise erupted from the vast meadowland that encircled the barn, and David panicked.

"Hoot! Hoot!"

"Quiet! It must be one of them. "

It was precisely the girl I longed to see, my dear cousin Marietta, whose lavish hair was as fiery and fetching as the dress she sported. We had not always been so present in one another’s lives, but once had terminated the unremarkable blur that was the youth we shared together, Marietta and I grew closer. In recent time, my age had been catching up to hers, but she was a few years older than me still. The entirety of her left arm had been severed off years before, and she limped her way towards the entrance of the barn without cheer of any kind. David and I worried for the girl, and the place swarmed with uneasy quietude. Marietta suddenly came to a halt, for she became infatuated with the ground. She drew no breath, and at that moment, neither did David and me for we anticipated Marietta’s next move, hoping for some imminent rupture in silence and triviality. My cousin’s torso tipped forward in a rather abrupt manner, and we feared for her safety. A mere instant before face-planting on solid ground, Marietta performed a summersault à la Willy Wonka and spread her arm out as she awaited both the hoots and applause which David and I were more than eager to provide.

"Don’t we look lovely tonight, Marietta? "

"Forgive me for arriving so late. I had so many things to do, but nobody wanted to lend me a hand."

"Will you be making that same horrible joke each time you greet me? "

"For as long as it makes you uncomfortable, at the very least."

"That basically means forever. "

"Forever is a mighty long time. You’ll get over it before then. "

"I don’t see how you can laugh about having lost an arm."

"I don’t see how you can continue thinking about me having lost an arm. Changing subject, the owner of the barn doesn’t greet me anymore? What is this? "

"Hoot. "

"Well, hello to you as well, David. Who else will be joining us tonight?"

From behind the hay bales adjacent to the wooden staircase rolled in Frederick, the son of one of my mother’s cumpare, carrying a perturbed look on his face. It was not that his legs suffered from paralysis or anything of the sort; it was that his entire body was left impotent by the time he had reached ten, and he unfortunately never regained the necessary strength to deliver himself from the shackles of a wheelchair. His quivering fingertips gently caressed the square shape of his bald head as his eyelids struggled to remain detached. I could never recall much of Frederick, other than the despondency that surrounded his passing, and so he forever frowned when paying a visit to David and me. I wished it was not so, but my bare imagination left it utterly impossible for me to conjure up the boy otherwise. Suppressed by the barbarity of lung cancer, Frederick was not a smoker, but I had a cigarette perpetually glued between both his index and middle fingers for reasons I could not explain. He approached Marietta and me, and David gyrated his supple neck back towards the constellations to break free from the horrid feelings of condolence and melancholy.

"I see David is still ignoring me. "

"Don’t take it personally. He’s just a little shy. "

"He pities me. That’s what it is."

"Wouldn’t you? "

"Of course, I would. There’s no torture worse than one that is inflicted on a child. "

"Frederick, it happened years ago, but I still ache when I hear you say things like that. "

"It’s technically not me saying it. I only exist through you. "

"Yes, but my memory of you is so distant… I can’t think of you any other way. "

"Well, try. I’m getting tired of David ignoring me all the time. And don’t think of me in a wheelchair either. It’s a pain-in-the-ass. Not literally. I wouldn’t know. "

"Alright, sorry. "

"Why summon me anyhow if all I do is add negativity to your discussions? Let me be already. And make me rest in peace for good. "

"Wait, when you’re not here, you do rest in peace then?"

"No, when I died, I went nowhere. I’m simply nonexistent anymore. Lived a life of ten years and turned to dust. That was me."

"So… why did you mention resting in peace?"

"Because you can make me! Turn me into a believer. I want there to be some place I can go to after tonight. Like Marietta. Marietta, are you still devout? "

"Living it up in the skies every day. "

"What is it like up there?"

"It’s great! Anything you want it to be. I have no worries. Every morning, I jog with my grandparents. Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I swim in Cinque Terre. Thursday nights are karaoke with Bowie. I even have both my arms. "

"Wow, did you hear that, David? That’s beautiful. "

"Don’t believe her. She’s lying. There’s just emptiness, and you and I both know it, Marietta. "

"Why tell him that, Frederick? I assure you the kingdom of God is everything anybody’s ever wished for. You can come too if you want. Anybody can. "

"Do you really believe that? "

"Sure, I do. There’s some good in everyone and enough space too. "

"No, I mean, do you truly believe you’re living within the kingdom of God? "

"It’s what I was promised. Why wouldn’t I believe it? "

"You’re too naïve, Marietta. You can’t believe in something simply because it was promised to you. "

"Why not?"

"Because it’s stupid. "

"Is my belief harmful to anyone? "

"To yourself, yes. "

"Other than myself? "

"I suppose not. "

"So, why do you care? It made me happy all my life to believe in it. Who cares if I’m wrong? "

"I prefer rationality… you know, proof, facts… "

"And you’re one hundred percent entitled to that."

"How can your God exist if He allowed me to die at such a young age? Ever think of that? Where is this God of yours? Because He sure as hell wasn’t around for me."

"I have my reasons to believe. "

"What about this? If one were to take away all of the existing scriptures, all the rites, rules and traditions contained within the Christian religion as well as all the scientific research humanity has produced, society would eventually reach identical scientific conclusions to the ones we have today, but the religious texts would be totally different. Ever think of that? Don’t you prefer living a life of certitude? Why would people trouble themselves with living their whole life in the dark? How can you believe in any of that stuff? "

"Like I said, I have my reasons. "

"Do share. "

"I have reasons that are extremely personal to me, Frederick. I choose not to share. Do you know why? Because each of the spiritual awakenings I had over the course of my lifetime came to reach me and me alone. You were not a part of it, nor will you ever be. Spirituality isn’t church and rules and rites and what not. Spirituality is between me and my God, and I’ve personally been given too many signs to settle on believing in coincidence."

"That’s one way of looking at it. "

"No, listen here. You need to steer clear of Where is your God, how can you believe that and other insulting queries that deal with things that neither disrespect nor harm you in any way. Because at the end of the day, you’re the one disrespecting and harming me. "

"Okay, okay. "

"I mean it. If we’re on good terms with one another, stop questioning my spiritual beliefs and I won’t question your atheistic ones. Deal? "

"Sure. "

"If I can just interrupt for a minute here, I think I’m going to switch your beliefs. Marietta, you’ll be the atheist one from this point on. Frederick, I want you to be the religious one for a night. "

"Why? "

"It’ll just make me more relieved to know there’s another child smiling up there. "

"Just make us both religious. "

"You know I can’t do that. "

"You’re right. I forgot. "

Out spread David’s wings, and the bird screeched uncontrollably in Frederick’s direction. The boy in the wheelchair hid an innocent giggle within the palm of his hand, and I gazed up at the dazzling shelter of the sky in search of nothing, really. In came Louis, cloaked in his famed boxing robe, effortlessly carrying the weight of my world on his shoulders. Born days apart from me, he now was three years my junior. Having bitten the dust by cancer’s fourth attempt, he somehow still managed to animate our loved ones more than I ever could, and I admired the man as he entered with guiltless eyes and a winsome grin. A former time had Louis divulge everything to me, but never did he reveal such convictions any longer. Perhaps I simply chose not to taint those already so indelibly inscribed in my mind. It occasionally occurred to have me strip Louis of a face altogether, but those nights almost always had me deeper engulfed in isolation. At times comical, seldom infuriating, Louis would forever be my greatest affliction, and I often summoned him without purpose. He was an uncommunicative figure who had me returning to my bedroom with twice as many doubts, but still his demeanor absorbed me, especially at the moments during which he sat alone on the barn stool, apart from the rest of us, in what seemed to be a state of immense serenity. As I later confirmed it to be the case, that night, my glass of water acted as the sole impediment to his routine seclusion, and we were immediately greeted by the jovial man who skipped our way with arms wide open.

"I see we have a full house! If it isn’t the most peaceful child I’ve ever known. Frederick, what have you been up to? "

"Nothing much. I just came back from a jog with my great-grandparents. We’ve been at it every day now. "

"Give them my regards. "

"I will. As soon as we’re done helping him and David, I’m abandoning the chair and I think I’m going to go train some more. They’re probably wondering where I’m at. "

"Marietta, why so blue? You seem to be drowning in a sea of emotion. "

"Wow, uncalled for. That’s not funny, Louis. "

"Come on, Marietta, it was years ago! Lighten up, you won’t be any much more alive, anyhow. "

"Exactly, so why does it matter? I was never given a proper chance. "

"Okay, keep telling yourself that. In the meantime, where are my beloved hosts? David, don’t you greet me anymore? "

"You never greet him, Louis. You’re confusing him. "

"David, I’ll have… let me see… two biscuits and a cappuccino. Strong. No, mild. One sugar, please. And one milk. If you’re out of milk, I’ll take cream. If you put cream, I won’t have sugar. If you have milk and cream, put both inside, but add two tablespoons of sugar. If you don’t have sugar, don’t put milk, but put two creams. Did you get that? "

"Hoot? "

"Scratch that. I’ll just have a glass of water. "

"There’s one over there. "

"No, that one’s for our main host. "

"I’m not the main host. David is. "

"Well, it’s for you, nonetheless. Are you going to take it? "

"I’m not sure yet. "

"Take it. Take it and come join us. That’s a direct invitation. "

"So, you want me to come? "

"Yes. You’ll see it’s not that bad. Pretty great, actually. Just ask Frederick. "

"It’s true. I can use my legs again. "

"Marietta will tell me differently. Marietta? "

"On Earth, she had no arm. She would agree with Frederick and me. "

"No, I definitely would not. I’d rather have more time than both arms. It’s better than eternal emptiness. "

"Here she goes again with eternal emptiness. Always a story. "

"Screw you, Frederick. "

"Screw you, Marietta. "

"Guys, please, we’re here to help our host. Listen, I know you have the pills in your pocket. "

"How can you tell? "

"Do you seriously need to ask that question? All I’m saying is you’ve been contemplating it a while. It would be so easy. There’s nobody around but us. Take the glass of water. Come join us. Stop being a spectator and enjoy all that the afterlife has to offer. It’s not so bad. "

"Hoot! Hoot! "

"David thinks otherwise. "

Snatching the container from my pocket, I contemplated the likely consequences of Louis’ suggestion. He was right about a lot of things. Why else would I have poured myself that glass of water if not to hasten my own demise? After Marietta and Frederick withdrew from the light, retreating by the back of the shaded hay bales, I approached Louis with the absurd hope that my thoughts would turn lucid. The boxer stood motionless, and an otherworldly quietude permeated the barn. Frightened by the total goal, I had neither strength nor power to make a rational decision and found myself living in some alternative universe to Poe’s, one that had my own soundless heart tremoring to the unbearable thumps and thuds of an earthquake. My fingers were suddenly grazed by my owl companion who soared down to seize the pills, and I watched as the bird flew back to his spot by the aperture through which was rapidly allayed his fright. My cheek was then unexpectedly struck by Louis’ backhand, and I crouched in agony and perplexity.

"What the hell is wrong with you? "

"Don’t act so surprised. We both know why I hit you. "

"David, I’m sorry! "

"I wouldn’t talk to him right away if I were you. He’s probably still startled. Let the bird rest a bit. "

"I never confirmed I was going to take them. "

"You never confirmed you weren’t. "

"Louis, just tell me what to do. Give me some answers. "

"What answers? "

"I don’t know. Anything. You never tell me anything. "

"That’s because if I do, it’ll just be contradiction after contradiction. "

"No, it won’t. Earlier, you told me it was a good idea to join you. "

"But you still have your whole life ahead of you. Why would you go do something stupid like that? "

"Okay, but it’s hard sometimes. "

"Not if you come join me. You’ll see it’s much better than the life you’re living now. "

"If that’s the case, why don’t we all just end it right away and reach the promised land faster? "

"There is no promised land. Only emptiness. "

"That just makes life much scarier than it already is. If this is all I get, I’ll have nothing to look forward to but a life of fear and misery and loneliness and unhappiness."

"You’ve lived good moments. You’re just in a bit of a slump right now. Besides, once you live this life to the fullest, you’ll have a heavenly one awaiting you. "

"With all my loved ones who passed away over the years? "

"No, they’re gone. You’ll never see them again, but the memory of your loved ones should make your present stronger. "

"Why? I’d think my present would be stronger with them in it. "

"Without death, without sorrow of any kind, you would take it all for granted. If you feel sorrow for these people after all this time, it’s because they had such a profound effect on your life. If you still pain at their death, it’s because you care. And that’s a beautiful thing you were able to feel this. "

"Yes, but there’s too much sorrow. For instance, I cannot conceive, for the life of me, never being able to speak to you again. "

"But you will. Once you come to pass, you will join me, and we'll be together. "

"I can’t take this anymore… I’m getting no answer from you. It’s like I’m talking to a monkey. "

"I already said you wouldn’t get an answer from me. "

"Why, though? "

"Because it doesn’t matter. That’s the point. There is no answer. "

"Every question has an answer. "

"Absolutely not, and it’s better this way. There is no emptiness. There is no heaven. There is no death. There is no journey. All that matters is your infinite passion for life. "

"But I want to know what will happen to me once life ends. I want to know if indeed will come the great salvation of all this nonsense. "

"You’re looking at it wrong. You want to know this. You want to know that. If it’s true what they say about knowledge coming with death’s release, then why waste what little time you have trying to counter the eternal system? "

"How can I live to the fullest knowing you might be gone forever? "

"Because I now serve to better your life even more than I already once did. My passing shouldn’t be viewed as a shadow in your story book. On the contrary, you alone can prove how my passing will serve to better your life, just like your passing will prove to better serve the life of another, and so on. In case you hadn’t noticed, the world is full of horrible, repulsive, conniving human snakes roaming about… "

"Believe me, I know. "

"That being said, there’s beauty to be found in those who seek to better their lives and the lives of others and evade all that nonsense. Take me for instance. To all those who failed to torment me over the years, I am the refutation of their despair; I am destiny. "

"How so? "

"They never got the best of me, and that, until my final breath, which is probably why you’re remembering me at all to be frank. "

"I still wonder how you did it. "

"You can do it too. Like I said, you’re just in a slump, but what goes down must come up. If you’re in a slump, it’s a good thing. It means your life is a series of instabilities, which is what makes up all that is important, anyhow. You don’t want stability. Stability makes you rot. When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself you have the potential of a superman and take some time to breathe in the air around you. "

"You make it seem so easy. "

"It isn’t easy. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. In fact, this is the single great challenge of life, but never despair. "

"But how? "

"By enjoying the little things. The beautiful things. When you find something beautiful, you’ll know what I mean. And I know you’re capable of finding it. Anything. Because when you do, you feel emotion. Which you’ve felt and have been feeling for a long time. However fleeting this emotion might be. Emotion is enough to realize life’s worth."

"I miss you, Louis. There’s so much inside I still feel for you. You have no idea how big of a space I kept for you. "

"Good. Now, if it’s that big, it’s time you share it with the rest of the world."

The stool on which lay my drink of water inexplicably toppled over, but the glass did not shatter. As I redirected my focus from the slight spillage on the ground to the barn’s exterior, it came to my attention that the cosmic ocean was no more. My skin was soon to be embraced by the amiability of morning, and a harrowing nervousness crept up on me, but it was not of the defeatist type; at least, it did not feel as if it were. As I drew near a great dawn of red and gold, feelings of withering and laceration were subdued by an uncanny lust for warmth palpitating from within my chest. The rooster crowed out its mirthful hymn, heralding loud the birth of a new day, and the town was on the rise. Partially blinded by the hot light of the sky, my eyes peered at the crooked branch, but David had already flown elsewhere. At that moment, the owl was likely to already be in the midst of some daydream that had it harking back to past things, but I could not blame him, for I was assuredly to follow shortly. Marietta, Frederick and Louis had left as well, but I stood stock-still, without sound, facing the sun a while longer before the weight of my weary body was to mercilessly haul me down to the raw dew of the meadowland that drew breath before me. Circumventing my family members who were scattered around the house, I tiptoed back to my bedroom and plunged beneath the bedsheets. I dreamt of the farm.