Dearly Departed

SPIRITS GUIDE TO THE HERE AFTER

Effective Date: Immediate upon the cessation of pulse.

The "Non Corporeal" update

1. OBJECTIVE

To provide the Newly Departed (YOU) with a streamlined framework for navigating the immediate aftermath of biological expiration and ensuring a smooth transition into the Perpetual Collective.

2. INITIAL MANIFESTATION

2.1. Do not attempt to re enter the physical vessel. The "zipper" is broken; attempts to re engage will only result in spiritual static.

2.2. Maintain at distance of (3) meters from grieving relatives. Interference with their mourning process via cold spots or flickering lights is strictly prohibited during the first 72 hours.

3. INVENTORY MANAGEMENT

The subject ( YOU) must acknowledge that " You can't take it with you". Is not a suggestion, but a physical law of this dimension.

3.1. Relinquish all attachments to: house keys , unwashed dishes, dental records, and the secret location of the emergency cash stash.

3.2. The subject, ( Again, YOU) is permitted to retain 3 core memories for the duration of the waiting room period. Please select these carefully; "the smell of rain" is a popular choice, though " the butterflies you get from a first kiss" is currently trending.

4. COMMUNICATION PROTOCOL

Direct Vocalization is no longer functional. The subjects new medium is Intent.

4.1. To move, do not walk; simply intend to be elsewhere.

4.2. If you encounter a " light" or a " tunnel" please check your assigned queue number. If the light is pulsing amber, the system is undergoing scheduled maintenance. Please wait in the hallway of your childhood home until further notice.

5. PROHIBITED ACTIONS

5.1. Haunting for spite. Petty grievances regarding the distribution of your inheritance are to be filed on the complaints Department (located in the void between 3 and 4 am)

5.2. Looking Back: Continuous observation of the funeral service is discouraged. It is statically likely that someone will tell a story about you that is only 60% accurate, or the mortician will make you look like a street walker, or someone will put something in your pocket that you wouldn't approve of.... let it go.

TROUBLESHOOTING: COMMON POST VITAL ERRORS

Problem 6.1: The rubber band effect-

Symptoms: you attempt to move toward the great beyond but are violently snapped back to your living room recliner.

Cause: This is usually caused by unresolved earthly tethe. Check your pockets for library books with significant late fees or in deleted browser histories .

Resolution: Visualize item in question and mentally Relinquish ownership. If the tether is a person, wait for the to find someone else to annoy; the tension should slacken within 3 to 5 business days.

Problem 6.2. Persistent Transparency Issues.

Symptoms: You are attempting to a beverage or let the dog, but your hand passes through them with a faint wish sound.

Cause: YOUR DEAD

Resolution: STOP IT you are embarrassing yourself. The dog can see you, and he is deeply confused.

Problem 6.3. Accidental Poltergeist Activity.

Symptoms: you sneeze, and the kitchen cabinet doors fly open .

Cause: Emotional leakage. new Departed often struggle with " Spiritual Volume Control. "

Resolution : Take a deep breath( metaphorically speaking, as your lungs are currently being handled by a mortician) count to ten. Of the cabinets remain open, try to frame it as a design choice and move to another room.

Problem 6.4. The " White light' is too bright.

symptoms: Excessive squinting; feeling like you're staring at a high beam headlight on a dark alley.

Cause: You are likely looking at a surgical lamp or particularly bright exit sign in a hospital hallway.

Resolution: Turn 189 degrees. the actual white light has a much softer, more " premium linen" aesthetic. If it smells like bleach, it's not the afterlife, it's the janitors closest.

7 DEALING WITH THE DEAD

Be prepared to be greeted by loved ones whom have passed before you. While most departed find this to be a welcoming and calming event, we make not vaurentee that your annoying uncle Bobby who drove you crazy in life, won't be there to drive you crazy in the hereafter as well. We all retain our memories and personalities, some more annoying than others.

Note: If you feel your expiration was " premature' please take a ticket and wait on the lobby. Current wait time: 140 Earth years.

8. CONCLUSION

Your tenure as a living human has concluded. We hope you enjoyed your stay in a carbon based lifeform. Please leave your ego, your grudges, and remaining sense of linear time in the non provided.