Vogue

The day I lost my life, I cracked a grin. It wasn't like a soft smile, a subtle look of satisfaction or joy. It wasn't a strong smile, it felt weak. Though, on my face, I looked happy, I was in fact, the most devastated I had ever felt. My wife and child had been stolen from me. Stolen by an unjust God that I had been taught was loving, just and kind.

Why did He create us just to end up destroying us? The moment the doctor came up to me, his gray, blank expression walking up to me, I knew it was over.

“Subsequently, Dana succumbed to her injuries from childbirth and unfortunately—-”

‘How can someone love another without knowing them?’

That was the cruel answer to my pain. I couldn't love my child since he had died during childbirth, according to these pretend-emapathic jabronis. But, it was a jab to my very soul, a spiritual gutting that made me feel like vivisection to my insides as well as my immortal soul.

I’m a simple person with easy needs. Fill my stomach, give me some basic human interaction with a pretty lady to suit my bedroom escapes, and I'm content. I've never been happy my whole life. It wasn't Dana that was at fault. She tried harder than most to keep me entertained and sated.

I know if you would hear this now, father, you would be ashamed of my stance.

You tried to teach me about God, art and music. The issue isn't that I don't appreciate art. I can, in small doses. I listen to Vogue by Madonna. I love Open Your Heart by Madonna. Leann Rimes - Can't Fight The Moonlight. Another one I tolerated. Even Taylor Swift is decent on high volume when I am driving fifteen miles over the speed limit, grinning with the most stupid smile. I don't smile because I'm happy.

It makes people so angry when I say I want to destroy all the art and music and film in the world.

“How can you destroy something so deeply important?” Dana would almost cry. She had told me during the worst times of her life with a previously abusive ex, “Between The Bars,” by Madeleine Peyroux saved her life.

“Its not that I don't understand it. I understand that it creates culture, crossing lines of culture to create understanding. Culture isn't anything but a paradigm that social order dictates, separating people to divide.”

Dana would try to get me to see her points. I did see her points. It wasn't that I was blind or refused to understand. But, to me, artists were the strain on society, draining resources and time and energy so they could get off on their own little philosophy and vision. Fuck their vision.

I think my vision is better.

I'll create a world where there is nothing. Nothing but what I have in store. I don't want anyone to think they'll escape.

I won't escape either. Just like Bateman in American Psycho. He learned nothing abour himself. No deeper knowledge. He had no escape from himself even as he desperately confessed his crimes. I didn't actually watch the movie.

Dana really loved that horror crap. I saw her watching it. I just looked it up when I saw the last scene. I can't watch anything with blood.

Does anyone really mean it when they say sorry? Does anyone really mean it when they say they'll be there for you?

I think that people are bullshit. They fake it all. Even the most heartfelt lie is fake. All of it, everything, hate, love, sarcasm, laughter, crying—— it is all a lie.

When I heard about how people were beginning to mutate, causing strange occurrences and weird crimes that went against gravity, physics and nature, I was wondering when it would hit me. It didn't.

Still, that didn't mean I couldn't act. That didn't mean I was not unable to act. I find that opportunity isn't always about which door is open. Sometimes, the door is just a kick away from my destiny.

Vogue from Madonna will take me there.

I drown out my violent brain to the bombastic pop music. The silence it creates is a sonic boom. I don't smile because I'm happy. But, they call me, “The Endless Grin.”

I don't think that pop music is really all as happy as we all like to think. Usually, there's a sinister message or even melancholy, and it is overwhelmed by the catchy hook, fast paced beat and the way it sounds like a damn carnival on crack.

I don't smile when I'm happy. I smile because I understand that humans will never be happy. We're all just one big, black hole of a void, mirroring each other like ants, tiny little ants.

One day I'll send us all to the void. And then, I won't have to smile anymore.