How to Save Your Own Life

Take a drink to feel the burn one last time. Take another because the first didn't hit hard enough. Fuck it. Might as well keep going.

Wake up groggy, fuzzy, with a small niggling headache you know will turn into a migraine if you don't take your-

Vomit. Vomit again.

Drink a small sip of water and take your migraine meds. Get ready for work. Try to hide the tile marks pressed into your face from when you fell asleep on the bathroom floor again. You'll have to wear your hair down today.

Promise yourself tonight you'll get a good night's sleep and fumble through another day at work. At about 3pm, the fog will begin to clear. Get some work done. At about 5pm, you'll begin to crave another drink. Question your sanity.

Look up meetings online. Close the page. You don't need it. Look up meetings online. Close the page. You don't need it. Look up meetings online. Close the page. DO you need it?

Timidly step into the room filled with chairs, the smell of burnt coffee, and happy people. Question their sanity.

Listen intently as a complete stranger tells their story. Your story. Listen again as more strangers around the room speak your truths. Question your sanity.

After the meeting, the shiny, content people will offer you their phone numbers. Take them, but don't call. Hold onto them for weeks. You got this.

Wake up on the bathroom floor again. Fuck.

Pick up your phone. Call the person who scared you the least. Try to act normal. Try to make small talk. Try not to cry. Tell them you need help. Cry. It's okay to cry.

Find more meetings. Become comfortable stepping into new rooms with more chairs and more coffee and more happy people. Buy that book they keep talking about and find someone who will read it with you. Someone who knows what they're doing, who can explain it as you read along. Take their suggestions. Follow in the footsteps of those who have succeeded before you.

Admit you are fucked- that you can't do this without help. Admit your life has become overrun by your own bad decisions, your emotions, your habits, your drinking. Admit you are miserable.

Wonder if there is a God, a Higher Power, a Spirit of the Universe, a Higher Self. Wonder if any of these people in these rooms could be right. Questioning is all it takes.

Speak the simplest prayer you can think of. "God, if there is a God, please show me who you are." You could also consider that if there is no God, you yourself cannot be one. Ask for help.

Don't be afraid of the G-O-D word. Close your eyes and think of a couch. My couch is blue and made of microfiber. Someone else's is brown and pleather. Yours might be grey or striped. The definition of our gods is as varied as the styles of couches you can imagine. They are all different. They are all whatever is right for us. Get creative. Make yours up and learn to rely on it.

Drag your feet. Worry about what you have to do next. Then, put it off. Go out with your friends! Have fun! You were taking this way too seriously. It's not as big a deal as you thought it was. You can't quite remember why you wanted to stop in the first place. Just relax.

Wake up on someone else's bathroom floor. Fuck. Find your shoes.

Go back to a meeting. Ask for help.

Find out that sometimes, you can be an asshole. Find out that you're not always the good guy. But also, find out that you're not always the bad guy, either. Reframe some of the biggest moments of your life. Change your perspective. See the truth.

Talk it over. Feel relief. Feel freedom. Cry. It's okay to cry.

Be ready for change. Be willing to drop the guise of always being right. Be willing to grow.

Ask for help.

Remember there are people in your life you have hurt. Find them. Apologize. Make it up to them. Mend your ways. This is where you get to set right the wrongs of your past. This is when you get to hold your head high as you walk through life. This is when you become who you always knew you were meant to be. Don't skip it. Don't short it. This is where magic happens.

By now you should be feeling better. Keep up the good work! Continue to learn about yourself. Continue to ask for help. Continue to mend your relationships and continue to grow.

Learn to meditate. It is a practice. Start small. 1 minute, 2 minutes. Guided, not guided. With music, without music. With nature sounds, without nature sounds. With white noise, without white noise. Laying down, sitting up, eyes closed, eyes opened. It doesn't matter. Just start.

Someday soon, someone will walk into a room, red-eyed, confused, timid. Introduce yourself.

Give them your number.

Wait for them to call.