Two Secrets Too Many.

We drove up the snowy, winding road towards the cozy A-frame cabin. The wheels were slipping in the sludge, but we were safe: Marcel had the car well in hand. I leaned into the frost-patterned backseat window as we passed lines of heavy branches glinting with pure white. Marcel and Zuri's chatter fell into the background. 

Where am I? This was the second time in six months that the strange thought seized me, but I didn't mind. Wherever we went, Marcel and Zuri were always my constant, and the rest was irrelevant. Ah yes, the States. A weekend away in the mountains of the country that felt like an ad. Even the picture of the cabin on AirBnB had looked like a postcard when we'd booked the place.

"Aaand... We're here!" Zuri stated the obvious with his usual over-the-top cheerfulness as the car came to a stop and he jumped out of his seat. Marcel gave me a meaningful smirk into the rear-view mirror, and I winked back. This sounded forced. I chided myself, you've always shared this complicity before. There is no reason it should change now, right? Act natural. Zuri opened the car door for me, and my heart lurched as his green eyes fell on me. This wasn't going to be easy.

"So," Marcel dropped his backpack in front of the hearth and took the open room in, "There's a double bed and the sofa. How should we do this?" I squinted at Zuri, but he just smiled broadly back, and before I could think of a less subtle hint, Marcel insisted with a shrug: "Any preference? I don't mind either way."

"I'll take the sofa, you guys can have the bed." Damn Zuri's politeness! While Marcel started unpacking, I dragged the too-polite man by the elbow over to the fireplace and started throwing logs in. When the third match broke in my fingers, Zuri gently took the set from my hands, added some fire starter to the hearth, and at one stroke got a flame licking the bottom of my logs. That only succeeded in cranking up my seething. "Why did you take the sofa?" I hissed between my teeth.

"I don't mind. Aren't you happy you got the bed?"

"I'd prefer it if I had you in it with me." I rolled my eyes at him all while poking the fire, and saw understanding finally sink in.

"Oh."

"Can't you say you've changed your mind?" I asked.

Zuri let me stoke the fire in silence for a while, then he grabbed the poker off me and undid all the good poking I'd done with some of his own. "No, Ada. Perhaps the situation would've been easier if you stopped insisting that we keep this" his free hand traveled the space between our chests "--- whatever it is --- from Marcel."

My cheeks went ablaze, mirroring the fire. I averted my gaze, pushed myself up and strode over to the bed, picking my duffel-bag up from the floor as I went, and dropped it onto the double-fluff blankets. The extra-thick mattress winced.

"How's the fire coming along?" Marcel asked from the other side of the bed.

"Yeah, it's alright." I pushed guilt and resentment far down my throat and forced a smile out. Think of a joke. "Unless Zuri destroys it with sheer enthusiasm." Not my best, but the corners of Marcel's eyes lifted and so did the weight on my chest. But his gaze shifted to a point over and beyond my shoulder, and Marcel grunted, "Guys, it started snowing again!"

I turned over to the window to check the extent of the damage; there was nothing to see. The world beyond our little cabin had turned white and cottony, it was like we were floating on clouds.

"Wow!" Zuri dropped a jaw at the sight, then straightened up, puffed his chest, fists on hips. "Well my friends, our hike will have to wait a few hours!"

Our hike waited a whole day, and us with it. Zuri cooked one of his signature dishes in the snug kitchen corner (a vegetarian Piri-piri as I recall), I introduced the boys to my magic potion (beat egg yolks with sugar until blanched, pour hot milk on top: my Dad calls it a "hen's milk") and we blew on our respective steaming bowls while playing tarot with a deck Marcel had unearthed from a cupboard. He won four times out of five. In my defense, I was slightly distracted by the furtive caresses and "inadvertent" contact Zuri and I kept giving each other whenever Marcel would focus on his hand.

Our squabble was all but forgotten by the end of the day, as I slipped under the weight of the blankets. Only after the lights went off and the boys' breaths deepened, did my stomach churn. What am I doing? Bare inches away, my best friend's shoulders rose with each peaceful breath. At that moment, as the duvet we shared moved with Marcel's twitches and I kept watch over his dreams, I pictured the blind trust he'd gifted me, of all people. I felt honored, wretched, dirty.

Still, I was painfully aware of the distance separating me from Zuri's warm and broad embrace, and fought the pull that was compelling me to leave the bed for the sofa and slip into Zuri's sleeping bag.

I didn't sleep much that night and when I did, in my dreams, my two favorite humans in the world would take turns to jab, punch and kick me in the stomach.

The next day shined on an additional layer of snow powder. I had no idea this was possible, and judging from the creaking and the whooshes coming from the outside, neither did the trees.

"Ready?" Marcel asked, tapping his foot while I strained to pull on my hiking shoes: I usually didn't wear socks this thick. As we joined Zuri outside, I wished I'd thought of spraying some waterproofing on my shoes. The air stabbing through my lungs distracted me from my feet, and we started walking in a single front line; Marcel, me and Zuri. Soon, we all focused on breathing loudly with each peeling of our knees out of the snow, in order to sustain our forced walk.

The only sound to be heard was that of the snow crunching under our heels as our legs sunk into the wet white. I couldn't feel the tips of my fingers anymore, but unlike my other senses, my sight was stimulated. Dazzled by the reflection of sun's rays on the bleached terrain, my eyes took respite in looking into the depths of the forests. Under the heavy blanket of white branches, treasures awaited to be discovered. Footprints told me a fox had passed there after the snowfall. Further down, a trunk hole looked like it might host a family of squirrels, and at some point I spotted a hare, frozen in a half-risen stance as he hoped his winter coat would hide him from us.

"I need to take a wee, be right back!" Marcel startled us before dashing under the tree cover.

When I stopped hearing the crunch of his steps, I couldn't hold any longer. "Come here, you," I called out to Zuri, wrapped a hand around his neck, and glued my numb lips to his. It had been too long since the last time we kissed. Two days?

Zuri peeled his face away, and breathed out, "Ada, are you sure this is a good id---" Not letting him finish, I resumed our kiss, our lips warming each other up until shivers of pleasure replaced those of cold down my spine, and my lower belly caught fire. I deepened our kiss, opened my eyes to make sure Zuri was as taken as I was, and instead my gaze fell onto the fallen features of Marcel, standing frozen as a hare a few meters from us.

I jerked away from Zuri as though I'd been punched. Blood drained from my veins, thoughts fled my brain, and my vision tunneled into the round eyes of my friend. Shit. Shit, shit, shit... It was the only thought I managed to sustain as I turned on my heels and fled the scene of my betrayal.

Somehow, that thought carried me all the way back to the A-frame cabin, where I stood in the middle of the warm room, trying to regain countenance. I'd never thought this would happen, or rather, I'd refused to consider the inevitable, and now I couldn't think of what to do next.

The door to the cabin opened to let Marcel and Zuri in. I clenched my abs in anticipation of the blows that were bound to fall, but only silence pounded into the stuffy room. I needed air.

"You forgot your beanie." Marcel's tone was that of an electrocardiogram hooked to a dead body when he joined me on the backseat of the car. I took my hat but avoided the burn of his eyes.

"Are you --- are you okay?" I managed to say.

"No, Ada, I'm not okay. I'm pissed! But mostly, I'm disappointed!" Tears started streaming down my cheeks as I kept my gaze away from his. He didn't stop, and I let him. I wanted him to let it all out. I wanted him to shout at me, slap me. I deserved it. But he simply kept talking in a pained tone, "You've gone behind my back, Ada, both of you! We're supposed to be friends! Dammit, Ada!" Each time he spat out my name it was like a slap on my face. Yes, it was me, Ada, I'd done this. I couldn't deny it any more.

"I'm so sorry, Marcel, I didn't think... Or rather, I thought --- no, I told myself that it was better for everyone if we kept it secret, and ---"

"Better? How is this better, Ada? Have you forgotten what I confided in you last year already? I trusted you with this, and you stabbed me in the back!"

"I haven't forgotten. It's because you used to be in love with him that I told Zuri to keep it a secret."

"... Does he know? Did you tell him?"

"No." this was the first time my voice didn't waver since the beginning of this conversation. This was the only thing in which I was confident I'd made the right choice.

"I want to tell him I like men in my own time, in my own words," Marcel said. I could only nod. I know. Taking a deep, if quavering, breath, I started sobbing again like a pathetic child and finally let out: "Marcel, please forgive me! It was so stupid! I was afraid I'd hurt you..."

"You did." 

I nod again.

After sitting in silence for a while, Marcel said, "I wished you'd trusted me enough to be honest with me. We are friends, after all."

Wiping away tears, I answered, "I've been a lousy friend to you, Marcel, but I don't want to lose you." He gave me a crooked, stiff smile, and guided my head to come rest on his shoulder. "In time, I may forgive you. But you'll have to stick around to find out." My whole body trembled with shivers; I wrapped my arms around Marcel's midriff to steady myself.

"So, you and Zuri, eh?"

"I know, I was as surprised as you are!" I chuckled and choked on the salt dripping down my throat. 

"How's that going?"

"Not sure."

"Do you like him?"

I pause. Then, "A lot."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Maybe..."

This time Marcel laughed generously and ruffled my hair. "Adaaa..." he said, and I hid my grin on his shoulder.

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