Three Ex-Yard Gnomes and a Homemade Pizza

Three yard gnomes named Jolly, Squally, and Polycarp lived on a shady front lawn. The lawn belonged to an old raisin-of-a-woman named Sadie O'Grady. Her name doesn't really matter though because this story is about the three yard gnomes. One day Squally squealed by exclaiming, "I'm terribly tired of this job, standing still as a statue all day on this boring, old, shady lawn! There is a whole wide world out there that we've just got to explore!”

"I'm quite happy here... it's jolly good fun, but maybe you're right... an adventure out and about sure sounds especially spectacular!" replied Jolly.

Polycarp, the oldest, wisest, and yawniest yard gnome of them all, sagely stated, "Many life lessons have been learned here, I perceive. Going into the woods would lead us to new life lessons, I do believe."

"I'm terribly starving! Before we go anywhere, let's see if there's food in the old woman's kitchen," said Squally as her stomach began to growl. “This is the first time I’ve ever felt hungry in all my life.”

"Food! What a blessed blast and delicious delight that would be!" excitedly, jumping up and down, said Jolly.

Standing still as yard gnomes usually do, the three plotters, plotted and planned to sneak in the side door when the old woman wasn't watching close enough. It turned out to be fairly easy because she was mostly blind anyway. She commonly left doors open for long periods of time, so this made it very easy for them to get in. She usually forgot where she put her glasses, and of course this made matters even worse. That’s enough about her, because this story isn't about her anyway. Except for the fact that the three yard gnomes were hers and food that they were about to steal was hers as well.

Squally, shrieked, taking the lead, “What a nice kitchen!”

“Look… there is a recipe book on the counter over there,” pointed Jolly.

Polycarp started flipping through the recipes. “Here’s how to make homemade pizza. In all my years I’ve always dreamed of eating pizza!”

“Yummy!” Jolly jumped up on the counter.

Before long the three gnomes had made a mess everywhere with pots, pans, and cooking supplies. Flour was everywhere, covering the counter and floor. The woman who owned the house was fast asleep on her couch to the humdrum sound of her TV.

Before too long, the three yard nomes finished the pizza and put it in the oven to bake. It had lots of peppers, pepperonis, four kinds of cheese and chunks of ham on it. As it was baking, Jolly said, “Smells so yummy… I can hardly wait to taste it!”

“But it’s missing mushrooms…” Pondered Polycarp aloud. “I’ve always dreamed of trying mushrooms.”

“Aren’t they fungi or something gross sounding?” Questioned Squally.

Polycarp nodded.

Jolly smiled. “How magical!”

The next thing they knew Sadie O’Grady snorted so loud she woke herself up. She started to shuffle toward the kitchen. Plycarp whispered, “Quick! Hide in the pantry so she doesn’t see us!”

They scampered fast into the pantry near a sack of potatoes that had started to sprout all over.

“Ew, it smells odd in here!” Squally complained.

Jolly giggled. “But at least we’re together,” as she quickly hugged the two gnomes. “Oh, hugs feel nice. How did I live without these?”

Squally shushed Jolly quickly and rolled her eyes in slight disgust, as she was uninterested in hugs.

Polycarp shifted awkwardly in the corner, trying to balance on a potatoe that had escaped the sack. “I think I got a cramp in my back.”

Sadie O’Grady looked at the messy kitchen and shook her head. Talking to herself, “Oh my goodness, I plum forgot that I made such a mess.” She sniffed the air. “Yum smells like a pizza in the oven and I forgot about that too… Oh, my poor memory! My mind might float into space if I let…” She chuckled so hard at her own thoughts, that it started to make her cough. She ended in a sneeze which made the flour on the counter puff up in a small cloud that just added to the mess everywhere.

The oven timer went off and then the woman started taking the pizza out of the oven. She began to cut it into several slices. She piled a plate high and took the plate to her living room to eat and watch more TV.

“Hey… we made that!” Squally peered around the corner.

Whispering in response, Jolly responded with, “This is her house and her food.”

Polycarp agreed, “And it looks like there is plenty pizza left anyhow,” looking up to see half the pizza still there.

The gnomes climbed up the side of the counter and happily reached for one slice apiece. They munched happily and then they heard the old woman start to shuffle back into the kitchen. Before she could make it to the kitchen the gnomes snatched some more pizza and hopped down from the counter and skidded away, out the door in a wild frenzy.

They darted toward the edge of the woods. Before they could get to the woods, a mangy mutt dog spotted them and caused them to freeze in their tracks like deer in the headlights of a large RV.

“Halt!” The dog growled grumpily. “Just set that pizza down and nobody gets cracked.”

Polycarp was the first to drop his pizza down in compliance. After regaining some of his composure, he asked, “I don’t suppose you see many yard gnomes around these parts here do you?”

The dog flicked his tail. “Seen more gnomes than you’d expect but never any with pizza. Why this is just want I’ve been waiting for… something to eat! I’m tired of picking through the trash!” The dog finished eating the slice in a flash and then he started eyeing the pieces that Squally and Jolly still clutched. “Well?” He asked expectantly.

“What’s in it for us?” Squally asked him boldly.

“Oh, I don’t know… I could just smash you to pieces and then take the pizza but I’ll make this easier for ya… give me the pizza now and then I’ll tell you where there is a hollow tree.

“A hallow tree? But how does that help us?

“Oh, there are other gnomes that live there and this particular hollow tree grows lots of mushrooms. And gnomes love mushrooms!”

“Well, we’ve never tried mushrooms before but trying them does sound nice,” Polycarp added.

The gnomes paused and slowly looked at one another to have a bit of a non-verbal conversation with their eyes. Shaking their heads in agreement, the two gnomes surrendered their pizza.

Squally scoffed a little as the dog was a very sloppy eater. “Alright, mister manners… what direction is the hollow tree?”