This Morning.

This morning was different. I'm usually my normal self. Refreshed. Everything planning out in my head as I move about doing my morning routine. This morning I decided to do my hair. I had been doing a curly wash and go all week. I wanted to straighten my hair. I was both happy and pissed off with my decision because it's summer and no matter how flawless I straighten my hair the humidity in this god damn state is unforgiving. Soon as go outside... Poof! Anyways, while doing my hair I realized it was too quiet in my apartment. I had just finished one section of my hair. I decided music was needed. While scrolling through my playlists on Spotify, I glanced at this playlist I discovered a few days ago. I had briefly listened to it and really enjoyed it. I saved it and then never went back to it. I had a very odd feeling come over me. I looked at all my other playlists that are almost always appealing to me but this time I couldn't hear them. That's not normal for me. Music is everything to me. When I look at my playlists, I can always hear them in my mind and feel the vibes they give me. It helps me choose what I will listen to base on my current mood or what I'm doing. The only playlist I could feel was that new playlist. I couldn't hear it though. I could only feel it. Something kept telling me to play it. So, with my cute little pointy finger I slowly and gently pushed the big green circle play button on my phone and played it. The screen had an oily imprint of my finger because of the oils from my hair. Casually my mind began to float. I was still fixated on my oily fingerprint on my phone. I could see almost every curvy line in my fingerprint. The lines looked like they started to sway with the music. I went back to doing my hair. I can't dilly dally too long because I have to start my day in an hour.

Everything around me started to slow down or become a blur. It was just me, my hot flat iron, my beautiful mixed and thick hair, and the mirror floating before me. At first, I carried on as normal, parting my hair, and putting my healthy oils into my thick and shiny hair. When I do my hair or other beauty routines and selfcare I always feel like my beautiful ancestors are watching me. Guiding me as I tend to my beautiful garden. I love every part of me. I am Mexicana, African, and Apache. I embrace all of who I am even with the little things like when I touch my hair or when I smooth in cocoa butter oil into my caramel brown skin. As I blissfully looked into my deep brown eyes that stared back at me, I began to love me. I hadn't shown me such love through my eyes in so long.

Instead of looking solely at my hair while I flat iron it, I was looking at both my hair and my round calm soft face with a content grin. My big eyes glowed ever so softly as I remembered that I woke up to a new day. A soft subtle smile began to draw on my vulnerable face. The life I have lived thus far came to me as slowed but brief images in my mind. It made me grateful to be standing here in front of my mirror. I couldn't be happier. I took a break from doing my hair. That was a mistake because I broke away from the music that was soothing my mind and my soul only to succumb to social media. But I got the hint relatively quickly that there was nothing that was going to stop the universe from me having the moment I was meant to have this morning. The second post that I saw while scrolling through social media was about "savoring the little things". That somehow pushed me back into my bliss. I quickly put my phone back down after reading that and went back to my hair. My mind threw me back into the music when it saw that I was back in my own world.

I thought so many thoughts and for once they were all positive. One of my first thoughts was how the music kind of sounded like me. So pleasant and calming. Reassuring and consistent with a splash of sadness and despair. At that moment everything escaped me and good riddance if you ask me. It's mentally tiring to be me. Always thinking and caring and wondering and planning. The amount of overthinking I have done over the course of my existence is appalling. But nevertheless, I am glad to be one of the few people left who still think. I'd rather have the mind that I have than a mind that is simple. An open mind makes life worth living. The music suddenly grabbed me at a very specific note. It sounded like it was desperate to keep me safe. It needed to help me escape the bad me and the bad that has tainted me. I let it take me away. It abruptly took the hand of my soul and pulled me through every note. I looked into the mirror, and I saw who I use to be, who I decided to be, and who I wanted to be. And then finally I saw who I am now. My eyes adjusted and all I could see was the raw untouched me. No makeup, my hair still parted in sections, my lips a soft light pink and brown shade, my eyes bright and wide, and my hands small and fragile. I stopped straightening my hair. Smoke danced smoothly off my flat iron. A single drop of a crystal-clear tear fell from my mirror's right eye. All I could do was relish in the woman I saw. This woman was me, but I barely recognized her. She was someone I wanted to be when I was going through the pain. She is happy, free as she can be, nothing negative surrounding her, and grateful to be alive. Now, picture everything I just said but the opposite. That is who I was. Sad, trapped, drowning in negativity, and wanting to die. No more am I that person. I started to let the tears I was holding back fall down my puffy caramel cheeks. However, these tears were different. I never cried such tears in my life. They were fresh and forgiving. They were tears that represented the meaning of my life. They were tears that have waited many years to tell me how proud they were of me.

I was frozen in time. Only the music kept moving in my soul and eventually it danced its way to my heart. Everything else stopped. It was like time itself decided to give me a break and just let me... Be. I wanted to do something, anything! I wanted to show my happiness, and my gratefulness but I was bound by the moment of mental freedom that I never had before. I eased my way back into my reality and remembered that I must keep doing my hair and not be late to start my day. The music and time understood my concern but kept me generously suspended in its world. I continued feeling and loving every breath I took but not forgetting my ongoing reality. The only thing I can compare this feeling to is the feeling I get when I'm running. There is a wall I have to break every time I go running. Once I break that wall, I feel nothing but strength and freedom. Each breath I took was so refreshing and certain. I started to uncontrollably cry. I had to put my flat iron down and just let the tears flow. These tears changed from calming and happy to strength and confirming. I had a sudden jolt of accomplishment and wanting to do even better than I am doing now. The hour seemed to go by extremely slower than usual. What felt like two hours was only two minutes. No complaints here though. Me and time never got along so I was more than grateful that time decided to give me the extra time to live in this rare moment.

In an instant my past flashed before my eyes. Usually when my past comes for me it comes with hellhounds and demons as their masters. But this time my demons bowed before me along with their hellhounds. My light was too bright for them to look at. I looked at my watery, slightly red eyes and I saw the strength in my pain. I began to feel the cold floor beneath my feet. The cold briefly reminded me of how cold my lonely nights used to be. My cat Amaya walked in the bathroom and meowed what sounded like her saying, "Are you okay?" She brushed her soft little head on my leg with energetic love. I glanced down at her and smiled and then went back to looking at my face filled with my salty crystal tears. I had a moment of realization that I am here because of my heart. I don't know if my kind of heart is meant to be on this planet but it is here regardless. Keeping me going. All I've done is become a better me. I became versatile. I became like a lizard. I change colors based on my environment, but I never changed who I am.

This morning is what I needed. This morning reminded me of the touch I felt from my boyfriend before he left for work. This morning reminded me of the meow that my cat gave me before she laid her head beside me. This morning reminded me that my father and mother are still alive and well; being beautiful and probably nagging at each other while my mom is cooking breakfast for my goofy dad. This morning reminded me of the uncontrollable laughter that I have when I am with my sister. This morning reminded me of how warm the sunset was that day when I wanted to give up. This morning reminded me of that month I thought I wasn't going to be able to pay my rent, but I figured out a way. This morning reminded me that I have food and water. This morning reminded me of my dark past that almost killed me multiple times. This morning reminded me of my courage. This morning reminded me to stay humble. This morning told me to keep going. And that's what I am going to do...