The Traffic Light

The last thing I remember seeing is the green traffic light and the smile on his face before everything went black. I’ve been trapped in the dark ever since. Occasionally, I get flashes of a jumping green light followed by a beeping noise but nothing else.

Beep, Beep

I haven’t been able to move for days, and it doesn’t feel like I’m breathing on my own. I must be in a hospital, but how did I get here? I don’t remember much after the traffic light is a blur. It all happened so fast.

The only things I can remember are moments from my past like going to my grandparents’ house for the summer as a kid. They would bring all the grandkids together for a week, and we would have so much fun. I remember going to bed early because Grandma and Poppa were so old and were sleeping by 7. As kids, we were not sleeping that early and would be up all night driving our grandparents crazy!

I also remember going to this theme park that had all these people dressed in these Western costumes. I'm trying to remember the name of the place, but it was so long ago. While we were there, we had to learn about life back in the old West. The actors would do these skits with bandits who robbed the bank or something equally lame, and we would sit there bored. I do miss those days and spending time with my family. Sometimes it is easy to forget how the little things make life worth living, and it sucks that as we got older time, pulled us apart. I even lost contact with my brothers over the years. Now, as I lay here in the darkness, all I can think about are the things we did as kids and what I wish I could say to them now. I’m afraid I’ll never see them again!

Beep, Beep

Thinking back now, I’m trying to figure out what I could’ve done in my life to deserve this karma. I started thinking about all the bad decisions I’ve made in the past. I can remember the time I stole a purse from the mall or when I cursed out my teacher in front of the class. I did kiss my best friends’ boyfriend before, but that’s all minor stuff. I didn’t think it would lead me here to this moment! People make bad decisions all the time and never suffer these types of consequences. So why do I have to sit here in the darkness listening to that annoying beeping? It’s not fair! I don’t belong here, and you know what I’m not going to die! I’m pulling through this somehow! God, if you can hear me, I promise I’ll be a better person. I promise that I’ll go back to church, or finish school, or whatever I have to do. Just please don’t take my time on this earth! Please don’t!

Beep, Beep

I’m not sure how much time has passed, but I’m still here. I don’t think God heard me, and the despair is starting to kick in. I’m starting to feel like I’m not going to make it. I’ll never see my family or friends again. I won’t be able to see where life will take me or who I would’ve grown to become. Would I have traveled the world, become a mom, or go back to school? Would I have helped people, or would I have stayed in this life that has led me to this moment? I realized that I’ve made some bad choices and put myself in the wrong situations at times. I hung around the wrong people, and I behaved recklessly, but I’m young. I shouldn’t be at risk of losing my life for those moments, right! I should be able to grow and learn from my mistakes to be better. Why didn’t I deserve that! I can feel myself getting sad, angry, and anxious all at the same time. It’s like I’m panicking inside my head. I’m beginning to freak out when I heard a voice break through my thoughts.

“Hey baby girl, it’s your father. I know I haven’t been around like I should, and that last conversation we had wasn’t the best, but I have always loved you.” He said. “I need you to understand that and know how much everyone will miss you if you leave. If this is the last time you hear my voice know that no one will ever forget you.”

I’ve never heard my dad speak this way before. Then again, I never thought I would be in this situation. It was at this moment that a level of peace began to take over me. My father loves me! I could also hear my dad taking calls from different family members who are sending their love. My brother, who moved away over ten years ago, called and will be flying into town for me. My cousins, with who I spent countless summers, took time out of their hectic lives to reach out and check on me. I’m beginning to wonder if my being here will bring my family together again. As sad as this situation is, what if some good can come from it.

I don’t think I’m going to make it, but for the first time since all this happened, I feel like maybe I wasn’t meant to. I feel like this is no longer my home, and I’m ok with that. That’s when I noticed a shift in the light flashing in my dark state. The beeping green light slowly turned to bright white light, and the beeping begins to fade. It feels as if I’m being lifted out of this bed and floating to the sky. I finally feel free!! I’m going home!!

***

I looked over at my baby girl, and deep down, I knew this would be the last way I’d see her. All I could think to tell her is that I love her and apologize for not always being the father she needed. “Hey baby girl, it’s your father. I know I haven’t been around like I should, and that last conversation we had wasn’t the best, but I have always loved you.” I said with tears running down my face. “I need you to understand that and know how much everyone will miss you if you leave. If this is the last time you hear my voice know that no one will ever forget you.”

Just then, my phone started to ring, and it was my son calling. We haven’t talked in years, and it was so good to hear his voice. As we spoke through the tears, we both realized that whatever it was we fought over didn’t matter anymore. Instead, we focused on being there for each other. As I continued to speak with him on the phone, my other line buzzed. It was my niece, and then my mother called. Everyone started reaching out one by one. I heard from family that I haven’t talked to or talked about in years. They were calling my phone to check on my daughter. I could feel the love of our family, and I hoped that my daughter felt it too.

Right at that moment, the doctor walked in and explained to me that it was time. I was trying to forget the conversation we had earlier, but his presence reminded me. My daughter has been brain dead since arriving in the hospital seven days ago. The doctor let me know that they had to take her off the life support, and I had to let her go. I held out hope that she would wake, but I guess our time is up. With my phone in my hand and tears flowing down my face, I watched as the doctors unplugged my baby and as she took her last breath. I closed my eyes and imagined her floating away to freedom. She was going to a place that is yet to be experienced by any of us living. As heartbroken as I am to lose SeSe, I know heaven is lucky to have received another Angel.

***

I got in the driver's seat while my girl got in the front seat and our friend Alexis was seated in the back. None of us should be driving because we’re all drunk as hell, but I’ve gotten us home under worst situations, so we’ll be fine. I put my foot on the gas, and we took off. “Did you see what your friend Jordan had on! And girl her hair, I can’t even!” “No way Alexis don’t try to put her off on me that’s your friend!” I looked over at the girls talking crazy. “Both of ya’ll need to stop like you don’t be smiling in that girl's face, and SeSe, you’re the worst inviting Jordan out all the time so you can talk about her!” We all laughed, knowing that Jordan do come out looking a hot mess. I looked up to see the light was green then turned to face SeSe. She has this big smile on her face that lets me know she’s thinking what I’m thinking, and I can’t wait to get home. As I turned my head to look back at the road, I see this car come out of nowhere. In a flash, I hear a loud crash and see SeSe flying out of the windshield. I didn’t even have a chance to process what was happening when everything went black. All I could hear now is this loud, steady beeping noise with a green light flashing in the darkness.

Beep, Beep