The ship that stole my dreams

My hopes sank, just as the ship did, a ship of dreams became one of screams and nightmares. And as the ship sunk and froze, so did my heart.

Four days earlier, I remember the cheer, faces full of awe as they stared at the Titanic, it didn't matter the race of the people, their creed, financial status, or their background, the first time we saw the Titanic, it took our breath away, and it left us each with excitement to explore the magnificent vessel. I was just 8 at the time, and despite being a fun-loving child, in just 4 short days that would change, in 4 short days, my world would be torn apart and I would know heartache and loss like no other.

I remember boarding the boat with my hand tucked safely in my father's hand, he held onto me so tight as the little bridge onto the boat scared me, I was so worried about falling in the water that I thought he would have to carry me on. Behind me were my brother and mother, he jumped across the bridge and the thud kept making me shudder. I remember that moment the most, as every time I looked at my father, he looked at me like I was his world and that he'd battle through any kind of war to see me safe, it filled me with such joy and love and I felt truly safe.

Once boarded, we made our way to our rooms, we were rather wealthy which made us part of the upper class, but our family never quite fit in, where many of the higher class families cared about how they looked, talked, dressed, and boasted about who they knew, our family was different, we loved one another and was never afraid to show it, we laughed too loud for the higher class and showed affection which was a strange thing to them, we didn't care as long as we had each other.

To begin with, the first day aboard the Titanic was uneventful, we settled into our rooms and walked the ship trying to understand the layout so we wouldn't get lost. I remember the first day being loud, like there was a lot of talking and commotion and I stayed close to my father's side so I wouldn't lose him in the hustle and bustle. I remember seeing some young boys playing marbles on the deck, and wondered how they was finding it possible with the sway of the ship and the blow of the cold wind, I had so many layers on, and yet I could barely feel my hands in my gloves.

On the second day we dined in the lavish dining areas, my parents sat us with a family of six and talked business and politics while me and my brother struggled to follow proper etiquette. We played with our cutlery and pulled funny faces at one another, we didn't care that people were frowning at us or whispering their criticism under their breath, my father didn't care either, he looked up at us with such affection and love in his eyes that it melted away anything else. My brother was just 6 at the time, so trying to sit still or teach him etiquette had become impossible, he just wanted to be a kid, and our parents let us be that without the social expectations of others.

Later that time as we were tucked into our beds, my father came to tell us a story, it was the same story he had always told us for as long as we could remember. It was a story about a star, the star began as a big bright star, so beautiful that it shone for miles and miles, but one day it hit another star and split into different parts, the star grew sad as it missed its missing parts, it floated through space each night looking for its missing pieces and every year it would find them one by one and shine a little bit brighter. The stars pieces were drawn back to it, and although it grew lonely on its travels, it knew it was important, eventually, it found most of its missing pieces but one, it floated for 10 years, never giving up hope, then one day the final missing piece returned and it was whole again. It shone so brightly that it almost looked like a white glittering sun, it chased the shadows away from many places and it was a marvel to see.

My father liked to tell that story and when he finished, he always looked at me and my brother and said 'you're a part of my star because you make me shine brighter'. We fell asleep easily to the soothing sound of his voice and the sway of the ship, in that moment, everything felt perfect, and I felt like the luckiest girl alive.

The third day we explored the ship some more, we listened to beautiful violin players and looked over the edge to see if we could see dolphins. I wasn't quite big enough so my father and mother took turns picking me and my brother up. I remember the taste of the salty air and how it made me feel slightly sick after a while, and the smell of smoke that helped fuel the ship, during the day the noise of talking and chatting never really died down and I missed the silence.

After an eventful day, my father and mother tucked me and my brother in bed and our days continued like this until the 5th day. April 15th was the day that changed my life forever.

I remember being jolted awake and a frenzy going off, it was 3 am in the morning so there was no light coming in the windows. My mother was rushing around the room pulling clothes out of the wardrobe and demanded I get dressed and help my brother dress as quickly as possible. I was sleepy and did as she said, she looked sad and frantic and scared, and it was rare to see her this way. Once dressed my parents rushed us to the top of the ship, this is when we found out that under 3 hrs earlier, the ship hit an iceberg. We were told to go back to our room and await announcements.

The ship took four days to sink, those four days felt like weeks. The hours ticked by slowly, my father would go to the deck to get instructions on what to do, we were told we had a lifeboat on hold for our section, so we waited until it was our time to go. Many would think of chaos, or imagine people running around in a frenzy, however, for us, we were confined to our room trusting the staff to tell us when it was time to go. We went to sleep dressed and got up dressed so we would be ready at a moment's notice. Where before we would hear voices in the corridor, after a while it fell quiet. Fewer people used the corridors and on day 4 and after my father did not receive any update, he went to the deck and finally told us it was time to leave, we soon found out that with all the commotion, the staff had forgotten to inform many people that we should have boarded a lifeboat sooner.

The sound leading to the deck got louder and deafening, I remember feeling scared and seeing so many panicked faces. The atmosphere around us felt constricted like it was hard to breathe in all the mess. Music played somewhere which seemed so out of place with all the panic. I had forgotten how to speak at this point and I could see my father looking down at me saying something, but I couldn't hear him from the roaring in my ears.

We made our way to the lifeboat, there were many women and kids aboard, they were crying and looked sad. One kid looked at me with tears streaming down his face and I couldn't turn away, I didn't know why he was crying, but I didn't like seeing him this way.

We waited in line to be seated, they were shouting 'women and children', and it hit me like a train, my father wouldn't join us. I started tugging on his sleeve looking up at his face but he was talking to my mother frantically as she cried. She kept hitting him in the shoulder and shouting no, I started screaming my 'father', we seemed to know at this point we would lose him, and none of us wanted that. My brother was too young to understand fully what was happening, but he had tears rolling down his face as he saw all of us crying, he didn't like seeing us cry.

My father started pushing my mother and pulling us to the boat, he wouldn't stop dragging us and pushing my mother, he kept shouting 'go', his voice sounded heart-wrenching like he was in pain, but he was determined to get us on that boat.

We were almost to the lifeboat when the Titanic began tipping. The screams grew louder, people were running to railings and trying to hold onto what they could. My father dragged us all behind a large bronze pillar. We put our backs against it and held on to it and to one another.

The ship began rising out of the water and we were pushed harder against the pillar. I screamed my dad's name and he kept kissing my head and shh-ing me, trying to soothe me, my mother was doing the same for my brother while I held his hand. I was so scared that it felt like a blur, I didn't know what was happening, I could hear the screams and shouting, then the lights went out and the next thing I knew, we were lying down on the pillar staring at the night sky, I could feel my father's arms around me and the pole on the pillar holding me tightly to him as he cried and kept saying 'no' over and over again, I turned to look at my brother and mother and realized I was no longer holding his hand anymore and they were gone. Where had they gone? We were lying against the pillar looking up at the sky and they just disappeared. Looking back, I think then, my 8-year-old brain tried to protect me from the trauma of what had happened and I didn't want to believe my mother and brother were gone and I couldn't fully fathom what was happening, I was in a strange state of shock that was keeping me numb, that was until I felt my stomach flip and a woosh of wind as me and my father was thrown to the floor and my father's body came over mine as the force of the Titanic snapping hit us with force. We were soon thrust against the pillar again soon after as it began going under, my father holding on to me with all his strength, his head was bleeding from hitting the deck and it took me out of my numbness, I started to cry and hold him tighter, all the emotion I hadn't felt hit me and I didn't want to lose him, I couldn't lose him. I leaned my head against his chest and listened to his frantic heartbeat, it was beating so fast and despite the noise of the ship sinking, it was the only sound I wanted to hear, I listened to that beautiful beat as long as I could, I listened to the beat of the love this man had and I held him tightly, my best friend, my protector, my father.

His arms tightened around me and that's all I remember until the cold hit. 'Cold' would be an understatement for what I felt, it felt like glass slicing open my skin, it chilled to the bone, it took the breath from you and left you feeling weak. My eyes were open under the water, I was tucked under my father's arm but despite the lack of light, I remember seeing the color red around my father, he pushed us to the surface and we took a big gulp of air.

There were so many arms flapping around and screams, I was in a state of shock, hyperventilating and shaking uncontrollably. There were a small group of people on a large wrecked and I was pulled up to them, my father joined us and we huddled together to stay warm. I was sandwiched between a large overweight woman and my father, he kept me close to him and held me like I was his ultimate mission. I could see blood dripping from his head and also from his stomach, it was vivid and running freely, he tried to hide it and kissed my head and told me to rest, he looked pained and distraught and yet determined to keep me safe. I let the tears run freely at this point until they froze on my face. After what felt like hours, my jaw ached from my teeth chattering and all I knew was aching and the cold, I couldn't rest. It had grown so quiet around us that I had started to miss the sound of the constant chatting on the deck which once annoyed me. My father started speaking in a slow voice, he shivered as I did so it was hard to hear at first, then I realized he was telling me the star story and how it broke into pieces, he stopped halfway through and told me he loved me and that was the last time I heard his voice. I knew the moment he went quiet because it felt like my heart froze like the water on my face, I felt my father's body still, just as the sound around me did, I felt what warmth he had left drift away and yet I clung to him still, wishing to hear his heartbeat. In that moment, if sorrow had a smell, it would have pierced the salty air, it would have wrapped around me like a heavy blanket and suffocated me, despite the ache of the cold, nothing could hurt as much as the ache inside, I had lost my mother, brother, and father, I had lost my joy, my light and the pieces that made me whole. I realized in that moment I had become the star with its missing pieces, I didn't shine anymore from their laughter and love, I was cold and numb and had so many emotions I had never felt before inside my 8-year-old body, and yet I clung onto my father even as the other people on the wreckage grew still, even as the night carried on like nothing had changed, I clung onto him like a lifeline keeping me in this world. I'm not sure how long passed when I was finally rescued from that wreckage, I was dazed and in no state emotionally to function at that point but somehow I was rescued. I remember not wanting to let my father go as I was pulled away.

After we arrived in New York, life became a blur, Titantic was the ship that stole my dreams, my joy and my love. I froze the day it sank and never thawed again, I went through life never looking for the missing pieces because I know they couldn't be found in this life, they had long since left the world. I grew old and knew eventually I'd be reunited with them, somewhere warm, full of joy and laughter and love.