The Princess & The Peabrain

The Politician had always wanted a wife who’d listen. A beauty that would wait on hand and foot and always agree with his opinions. He had many opinions. And he needed someone who would support him unconditionally. Otherwise, what was even the point of a wife? He had preferred other men in his company anyhow; they were by far stronger and superior.

But his mother believed a wife would give him a better image, so he yielded to her desires.

Though finding a good obedient wife was no easy task. Nowadays, too many women wanted too many things. Financial stability, he had. But the patience for rights, choices, and reflection was another situation entirely.

~

There had been another useless protest that day, something about women’s rights to their bodies or whatever. The Politician just drove by the whole pink stink, as the sky threatened to downpour. “Serves them right” he mumbled to himself as his chauffeur drove him home by the back route. Luckily he’d made it right into the triple door garage before the first drops hit the back bumper.

As he entered his grandiose home, he could hear the news blaring on the television. Another protest, another interview of some poor slut who didn’t want a man telling her what to do. His mother must have left it on before she had headed out that morning. What could he do, a woman tended to forget things. He switched off the noise and headed towards his office for a neat after-work drink. Or two. Sometimes those protestors were a real nuisance. He hoped one or two would get a lick of lightning; anything to shut them up a while.

After a stiff drink or three, he decided to retire to bed, knowing deep down that there was no one he needed to wait up for. At least his bed was the comfiest hush money could buy.

~

A loud banging woke the Politician from his blissful slumber. Dragging himself out of his silk sheets, he grumbled his way downstairs, cursing himself for letting the housekeeper have a night off. That’s what he got for being too lenient; more work. As he neared the door, the banging intensified.

“I’m coming, I’m coming! Don’t rush me goddamnit.” He yanked the bolt lock out and swung the door open, his blood pressure already past what the doctor warned about.

“WHA-?!”

There, dripping in a white t-shirt and tight jeans, stood the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Each raindrop elongated her eyelashes, before sliding down her unblemished cheeks until they slipped right down her midsection.

“Mind if I come in, mister? It’s pissin’ cats and dogs out here.”

Her voice was gentle yet clear. Her big brown eyes looked at him, begging him to be saved. He, the strong powerful man, would be her savior.

“Yes of course, come in, please.”

He wasn’t one to usually invite strangers in, but this woman had not only captured his heart but also tugged at parts of him that only he had tugged at lately.

“Sorry about the mess I’m making. I got caught out there and you’re the only house that had lights on. I hope I ain’t imposing.” She glanced around the rich interior of his humble home. His 85” television completed with surround sound and the comfiest couches a sneaky politician’s salary could buy, drew her further into the house. He followed like a lovesick puppy.

“You like it? That entertainment system cost a pretty penny, but what are taxpayers for, eh?”

The wet woman didn’t say a word about it. Perfect, a woman who doesn’t criticize his choices.

“Mind if I crash here tonight? Seems that the police blocked quite a few streets and my phone’s dead.” She had moved on to the dining room with the crystal chandelier.

Perhaps being dragged out of a peaceful slumber rattled his brain a tad, but he couldn’t believe this woman wanted to stay with him for the night. Maybe, the more she saw, the more she’d fall for his charm and rich personality. Of course, she would never have to worry about a thing in his house, he’d make sure she was comfortable.

“Well, I have the best bed just waiting for a pretty thing like you. It’s layers and layers of the finest mattresses and 500 thread count sheets.”

The woman shrugged, wandering over to the kitchen. He followed.

“It’s right upstairs, second door on the left. Mind you, any bed in my home is just as well-equipped. You never know when you might have a few ladies over, right?”

Another lack of response. Perhaps she just liked to hear his voice.

“My room’s on the left in case you get lonely.”

“Uh huh.”

“Well, why don’t I lead you to it, and don’t worry about sleeping in those dripping wet clothes, there’s a closet full of the perfect bedtime attire for you to change into.” He had made sure that the walk-in closets would be suitable for any thin yet curvy woman who might happen to stay over. It hadn’t quite happened yet, but it was always good to be prepared.

He gestured toward her to follow him, and this time he led the way up the grand staircase.

“Cool, well, I’m going to catch some Zs. Thanks for letting me stay the night mister.”

“You may call me, Paul. Paul the Politician.”

“Uh huh.”

“Goodnight, darling.” He leaned in slightly, hoping for a smooch, but she had already turned away and closed the bedroom door behind her. Perhaps she was just tired. A woman needed her beauty rest.

~

The following morning, the Politician awoke with a vigor. He sauntered into his master bathroom in his tighties, and brushed his pearly whites with an enthusiasm that hadn’t been felt in ages. Afterwards, he fixed his thinning hair and strode over to his master closet, choosing a fine suit for the day ahead. He was dressed to impress.

Leaving his quarters, he headed towards the mystery woman’s room. It hadn’t even dawned on him that he didn’t know her name. But that didn’t matter. He would call her “babe”, “honey”, “flower”. And she would call him “the man”, “macho”, “my hero”. After all, he practically rescued her from the rain like a lost kitten. She practically purred to enter into his life.

He didn’t bother to knock; it was his house after all.

Swinging the door wide open, he belted out a “good morning peaches!” Only to be met by an eye-bagged, hairy armpitted, bedhead with tape on her tits! What in the hell was this? Where were the nipples!?

“What the fuck are you doing in here? Don’t you fucking knock you pervert?”

Stuttering like a dunce, he tried to get a grip on reality. “D-d-did you s-s-sleep alright d-d-darling?”

“Darling? Who you callin’ darling? And I slept like shit. Kept feeling like there was some sort of hard wrecking ball under the mattress, corrupting my sleep. I thought you said this was the best mattress. Sounds like a pile of lies. Probably like everything else in here.”

“B-b-but you’re supposed to be my p-princess!”

“I ain’t nobody’s princess but my girlfriend’s, you dipshit. All night I could hear you moaning and groaning,” she dressed in her now-dried attire, pushing past him and heading towards the stairs. “Who the fuck even has a TV that big? What’re you, overcompensating for something? Jeez. Can’t believe I was so desperate that I stayed a night in this crazy place.”

“But baby! Come back!” He hollered down the stairs, not noticing his pant thread getting caught on a splinter in the railing. “I need you, woman!”

“Fuck off peabrain!”

And with that, the front door slammed shut. Leaving the Politician to his unravelling.