The Princess & the P-

Once upon a time, there was a very wet princess. Soaked to the bone, she was, the fabric clinging to her curves and whatnot. Really, it hardly left a thing to the onlooker's imagination.

Terrible.

Anyway. This princess turned up at the castle gates shivering, and dripping all over the place. She claimed royal lineage, and ok, her bone structure was fine, and her skin like milk, and she was an entitled little wretch who arched an eyebrow like this and demanded dry sheets.

The Queen had seen hussies come, and she'd seen them go. Her feckless son fell in love all too easily for her liking (if we may play fast and loose with the word "love") so it had been needful for her to develop a test.

Many a pretty maid in borrowed silk had been exposed by it, and the Queen was satisfied that it was robust. She was determined that any eligible so-called "lady" sleeping under her roof should submit to it.

She called her servants, and had them prepare the special guest room. In it, mattresses were stacked high, almost to the ceiling. Twenty of them! Each so stuffed with feathers, it looked almost fit to burst.

Beneath the bottom one, a single pea was stowed, and it was this that would determine whether this really was a high-born lady, or... well, not.

The stable boy had overheard the princess muttering about "needing a proper ride", and he had other ideas.

The princess sat in front of the dresser and brushed her long black locks until they rippled and shone. She patted and pinched her cheeks* for some colour**, then hitched up her nightie, and ascended the ladder. Do you know, she didn't trouble to hide her shapely ankles even a little bit.

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Come morning, the Princess descended the squashy mattress mountain looking thoroughly disheveled. Her gorgeous hair looked like several birds had been nesting in it, and had come to blows. Her cheeks were flushed and creased, and she was walking funny.

"Well," said the Queen over breakfast, "How did you sleep?"

"Barely," came the husky reply. "There was some... some Thing poking me all night. Hard. Insistent. I couldn't sleep a wink."

The allowed herself a small smile. "A pea, perhaps?"

"Goodness," the Princess murmured in surprise, "Was it really just a little pea? It felt enormous!"

The Queen beamed. It was wonderful to find a real lady at last.

The prince, who’d been lurking nearby with the subtlety of a lovesick puppy, stepped forward. "Did it hurt, my lady?"

She looked him up and down. "At first, a little. It took some getting used to."

The Queen declared her a true princess. The Prince declared he was definitely going to marry her, probably that very day. The Princess, having passed the test of delicacy, or sensitivity, or whatever it was supposed to be, accepted with a graceful smile.

On the occasion of their royal nuptials, the Princess received an anonymous gift. A carved wooden horse, with anatomically optimistic proportions. The Princess treasured it, and kept it in chest beside her bed.

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* not those cheeks

**just in case

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Thank you for reading!