The Precious

I.

When the wave hit it was small and most people thought it was an offshoot of Pandemic 2020 or P2020. It was no longer called Covid or Corona just P2020 because the world had basically stopped in 2020. Plus it sounded hipper.

The Middle East took the first hit. It was kept under wraps by the “Powers that Be” in order to keep the public panic at bay. But, as is the fashion, many journalists or ex-pats are usually embedded in the Middle East so first hand accounts quickly flooded the internet.

At first, everyone thought it was a joke, a viral prank. To get back at Corporate America, the Illuminati, freakin “The Man” for making them lose 16 months of their life and turning them into paranoid idiots and making everyone go into therapy.

Sadly, that was not the case.

By the time the world understood it was real there was nothing they could do about it.

Vampires were real and people were going to die horribly. And there was no hip way to say it.

II.

I woke up with my head throbbing. Not a big deal, not the first time. But, damn, did I get punched in the mouth with a sledgehammer?? When I’m on the dope I can give head for hours. I DO wake up like Mike Tyson gave me an uppercut but this was something on a whole other level.

And what the hell was that smell?!!!

I did not want to open my eyes. I gingerly felt around my body. Yeah, my clothes were on. That was a small victory in itself. I kept feeling around my “area”. I deduced I wasn’t on a bed, more like a pile of rags or clothes, maybe?

I had been in the Safe Zone getting fucked up as usual so this turn of events wasn’t super surprising.

I turned over on my back and let out a sigh. A big one. With lots of sound and effort in order to wake up anyone within earshot. So whoever person/persons I had spent time with knew I was awake and severely hungry. I heard no sign of life. I sighed and yawned with everything I had.

Just then I heard multiple gasps. WTF?? I didn’t even know there was life near me!!

Keeping my eyes closed, I slowly sat up. More gasps but softly. I yawned again.

OUCH MY JAW!! More loud gasps!!

Fuck it...I opened my eyes. I wanted to scream, faint and shit myself all at once because I was surrounded by vamps!!

III.

I started to hyperventilate. I could feel blood rush to my cheeks. The mob “oohed” and “ahhed”, some clapped their hands. This was so surreal. I finally yelled “WHAT IS HAPPENING??!!!”

All of a sudden I heard “Under Pressure” by Queen/David Bowie playing over loudspeakers. I started laughing. Actually cackled, heading into madness.

The music was turned down and I heard boots marching. Six rather husky individuals parted the minions and stopped right in front of me.

The largest extended his hand. I took it because I was in no position NOT to.

He said “My Queen. Thank you for presenting yourself before us. We are not yet a worthy clan but with your leadership we will become the mightiest in the nation, if not the world!”

All the minions began clapping.

I stood there totally baffled. I did not see this coming. From any direction.

Husky dude #1 presented me with a very aged, withered looking box. He opened it and I beheld a heart shaped amulet.

I reached in to touch it and he tried to snap my fingers!!

He laughed “I’m so sorry my Queen! Last night you exhibited such a style of mirth, I forgot myself!”

I looked at the necklace and gingerly touched it. Yep, solid gold, a girl knows. Heart shaped with a weird bubble in the middle. Looked legit, not like slinger, banger or rapper bling. Okaaay…

#1 said “Please let me festoon you with the ancient amulet of our ancestors.”

Say what? Festoon? I’m in. Put that bling on yo’ mama!!

#1 asked me “Do you approve of the amulet of our ancestors?”

I thought it was kinda vintage-like because, of course, it would be, right?!

But, remembering a line from one of my favorite films, I said “Well, I would’ve gone a different way but….”

But the funny thing is I totally identified with the necklace AND with being a Queen. Yeah, from the get go!

After the “festooning”, I held up my hand (so everyone would hush). I cleared my throat. They looked at me all shiny and happy eyed!! If they had tails…

I whispered to #1 “So, what name am I going by these days?” He smiled widely. “Shall I announce you my Queen?” “No time like the present..”

#1 inhaled and bellowed “Behold! Our Queen Furiosa Sauvage!!”

Hell. Yeah.

IV.

We set the minions about their work and I pointed to #1 and said “Dude, who are you?”

“Aloysius.”

“Ha! No shit?! I love that name!”

“Yes, my Queen. You named me last night.”

“Wha’? What??”

Yes, my Queen. You selected and named all of your private guard.”

I remembered watching “The Crown”. “Well then, present yourselves.” I tried to stand with as much dignity as I could but, seriously, my fucking jaw. Did I fuck all these dudes before “naming” them?? Daaamn.

So Al said unto me, “Here are your Enforcers..as you named them and wished them to be:

Pegasus - may he fuck everyone up the ass with his mighty arm.

T-Rex - may he bite the shit outta everyone’s neck and throttle them with his little t-rex arms. (Me nodding my head and noticing weirdly small arms on my enforcer...hmph.)

Chaka - may you understand him one day and may he kill all the Sleestaks should they invade from under the Earth’s crust.

My Queen, you mentioned that Sleestaks could be a future enemy so Chaka is also a team leader against the threat of Sleestaks.

(Me in the background, giving props to Aloysius “awesome!”)

Before he starts, I hold up my hand “I’m feeling like some music. Do you guys have any Elvis Costello?”

I see Aloysius puff out his chest “No Ma’am. No recordings whatsoever. We actually HAVE Elvis Costello!!”

I see a cage with a curtain unveiling. There he is, right before my eyes!! I yell “Go Elvis Go!!”

Elvis rolls his eyes and cues up “Save it for Later”

I yell “WOO!! WOO!! Imma hit the tambourine bitches!!!”

Aloysius reminds me “No, no. You did that last night my Queen. Shall I continue with your Enforcers.”

“Yikes! Yes, please by all means!”

I gotta stay in their good graces because I sincerely DO NOT KNOW why I’m their Queen!

Aloysius looks kinda uncomfortable now. “What’s wrong dude?”

“Well, this Enforcer is a hand sign.” He produces his middle finger. I laugh uproariously. Yeah, I would totally do that!

“Go on.”

Aloysius then does the heavy-metal-devil-tongue-out for the next Enforcer. Well, yeah I’m surprised that wasn’t first!

“And the last “dude””. I do quotations because I’m uber trained to not “offend” any human, living or dead.

“Oh you called him #5. Apparently it’s a private joke.” I laughed uproariously again. So much so that I brought forth #5 and gave him a big hug and said he was my favorite and he had soulful eyes.

Aloysius was not happy with this. I may need to rename him Hooney after a really jealous pooch I once had.

Ok, cool. So I had a crew. A posse. And minions too!!

But, first, I needed to know one thing - WHY ME?

V.

I walked off to the side and motioned for Aloysius to come on over. I said in a whisper “Ell-o-wishy-us. Why did you guys pick me as your queen?”

He looked at me like I had just grown horns. I checked just to be sure.

“My Queen. Because of your teeth.”

Well, fuck you! I was never a beauty queen and I most certainly did not have the straightest teeth but, damn dude, calling me out!!

“The fuck you mean?” and I grabbed him by the shirt front.

Whoa. I could feel his power. But then I could feel mine as well. Not as strong as Al, my #1 Enforcer, but I was definitely stronger than I was a few days ago.

“My Queen, you misunderstand me. You have one upper fang and one lower fang. You are a Day Walker! We were so lucky to find you! You are able to turn us! Your minions can become warriors and serve in a mighty conquering army!”

I think I fainted because when I woke up Aloysius was dropping blood in my mouth. I was always anemic anyway but, really?!

“Aloysius! Bring me a mirror!!”

“Yes my liege!”

As I look into the broken piece of mirror, I see a misty face out of focus but I can see my mouth. I see the upper fang hanging from the top left and the lower fang protruding from the lower right. Jaw pain explained. Wow, I gotta be a goofy ass vampire!

Bloody tear drops fell from my eyes onto my hands. That’s par for the course. That was my life in a nutshell.

VI.

I couldn’t even deal at that point. I shooed Al away and told him to do whatever it is he does.

I was getting sober. Hardcore sober. Like the first time in a while and shit was hitting me hard.

Here’s what I factored: everyone I knew was dead; vamps invaded the Safe Zone; for some bizarre reason, I’m the Queen of a vamp clan (and the enemy!).

And I still have fucked up teeth. Yay.

VII.

Well at least I knew what Day Walker meant. I saw the movie. All life lessons are learned from horror films, right??!! And The Simpsons. Well this “becoming” a vampire queen didn’t wipe out those memories...just the short term ones where I was turned and became a fucked up two-toothed vamp! And HOW the hell am I supposed to eat?!

VIII.

So a few days later, one of the minions comes galloping up all outta breath and shit. I was conversing with EC (Elvis Costello). We were discussing his song “Veronica” and this stinky minion comes up and says “yg hgbd eers gkihn!!” I’m like “Dude, no way! Bring him to me! NOW!”

Apparently, one of my goobers found a two-toothed MAN! Just like me - but a MAN!

YEAH, BABY!!!

So Al brings him to my quarters which by now are “tres elegante”...well, at least not a pile of rags and bodies.

Al pushes said two-toothed man towards me and pulls off his hood. OMFG!! It’s this actor that I’ve crushed on for YEARS!!!

Long story short - we start chatting and then get down to business. And I mean DOWN. But then shit gets really weird. Had no idea my pussy grew teeth. Chomped the shit outta this dude!!

I was so freaking sad!! I loved him!! But I also felt strangely rejuvenated. Like when you get a coffee colon cleanse?

So I call Al over and say “Dude, I can’t have sex?”

He says “No, my Queen. You are not made for reproduction. You were made for war.”

Do tell.

IX.

Sighing, I suddenly hear a voice, “My precious.”

Instantly I think “JESUS!” and look up! No Son of God looking down on me.

I look down and behold! a big black eyeball is staring back at me. I whisper “What the fuck?”

The Precious says “How do you think I feel?! What year is it?”

I think for a minute “Dude! It’s the year to kick ass!”

Heart shaped black eyeball says “Cool.”

I smile “Are you a Magic 8 Ball by chance?”

The Precious says, “Pick two of those words and you would be right.” Wink.