The Night Owl

The broken white line in the middle of the road was moving past me fast and was starting to blur. It’s such a repeating pattern, it’s hard to look away, so I can’t stop staring at it even though it’s making me tired. Moving past trees fast. My headlights are hitting the trees and not the road, and that’s just irritating. Gotta fix that, but right now I gotta drive faster. Gotta get there before I fall asleep. Right now fighting heavy eyelids.

Opening the window always works. That blast of cold air in my face always works to wake me up on long drives. Usually Angela talks to me so I won’t fall asleep. I so wish she was here with me.

I don’t wanna feel this way anymore, but the pain won’t leave me alone. It’s behind my forehead and behind my eyes, so it’s in every thought in my head, and in everything I see. I feel sort of flushed. It’s ringing in my ears so it’s in everything I hear. It’s in my gut, so I have a stomach ache. I may throw up. Am I sick? Do I have the flu? No. It just feels like this dull aching pain is living with me now.

Can’t take it anymore. Just can’t. Angela is gone. My sweet Angela is gone, and she isn’t ever coming back. I want so much for her to be with me again. This weekend could have been so sweet, so nice and so romantic. She would’ve loved it. Just the two of us in a quiet mountain cabin alone, with no distractions. Only a big fire, a thick blanket, and my Angela and me. She would’ve made it so cozy and warm. Her smile would have brightened the whole room. Every time I looked at her, she was smiling back at me. She was so lovely, like a perfect doll, just waiting for me to love her. I miss you so much Angela. I love you… always.

It was a beautiful service. The casket was perfect and all the flowers were Angela’s favorites. She was so beautiful in that white silk dress, and her make up was done so well, even she couldn’t have done it better. Her soft, sweet smile will be on her ruby lips forever. She looked so peaceful. I’m so glad all the bruises are gone. This way everyone will remember how soft and sweet and beautiful she was. I will always love you Angela.

Everyone’s fake sincerity makes me sick. They don’t know. No one could. No one loved anyone as much as I loved my Angela. Just because she’s gone, why does it mean I have to put up with countless stupid people telling me they are so sorry for my loss, and if there is anything they can do... I finally realized I had to get away from everyone. All I wanted to do is scream back at them “Why are YOU sorry? Did YOU kill her?“ followed quickly by “Ya wanna know what you can do? Shut up and stop apologizing! Other than that, there’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing anyone can do.” I wish I would have told them exactly that.

I guess they want me to think they really care. Yeah right. How stupid. I’m sure if I actually asked any of them to do something for me, they would all be so full of stupid excuses. They are just so pathetic.

I had to get away so I wouldn’t abuse people. I guess I don’t want to offend anyone, even though they deserve to be criticized for being such hypocrites. I just wanna be alone... so I can sleep, and grieve in my own way. So I can miss Angela without worrying about what the people around me think, and so I don’t have to listen to all that fake sincerity coming from all those stupid hypocrites.

Who really cares? They certainly don’t. No one cares about how much this hurts. They all say they do, but it’s all fake. I can tell. It doesn’t really matter to them, and I get it. I don’t matter to them at all. That’s why they all worked so hard to take my sweet Angela away from me. They hated me and they only pretended to care about Angela. They’re nothing but meddling hypocrites. Always polite to my face, but then conspiring behind my back to brainwash Angela against me.

I know tomorrow they will just go on with their lives as if no one died and they didn’t just attend a funeral. They only care about themselves. I know they didn't really care about Angela. Only I did.

Everything hurts. Every joint, my neck and my head, and I have a sore throat. I feel like I’m gonna throw up. I know none of them feel this pain. Tomorrow they’ll all forget, but I won’t.

I know I’ll still be sick. I’ll never be okay. I’ll always miss my sweet Angel.

She always had such a soft and delicate smile. She was truly beautiful. Her doe like green eyes and her soft, tender lips framed her cute little nose, and her long flowing blond hair was always styled perfectly.

She was so thin, I kept trying to get her to eat more, but she was never really hungry. For a thin, small girl she was really strong. Watching her work around the apartment was always exhausting, but she wouldn’t stop until everything was done. Even the baseboards had to be clean. She worked so hard, and I loved that about her.

I loved it when she did things for me. She made great sandwiches. Always the right amount of mayonnaise and mustard, the right amount of lunch meat and cheese slices, and the bread was always toasted perfectly. She was a wonderful cook, and I know she loved me because of how hard she tried to please me.

She was so cute when I would sniffle and she would press the back of her fingers to my forehead, and then get up from under her blanket on the couch to get me some Tylenol, a vitamin C and some echinacea.

I miss her so much. Her sweet smile. Her delicate hands. My Angela was beautiful. Every time I walked in the room her face would just light up, and her smile would instantly grow, which always triggered my smile. I miss her so much. I so miss her smile.

All I ever wanted to do was love her, and keep her safe and warm. I don’t understand why she argued with me about that. She always wanted to go see her sister, or her mother, or a friend, and get a coffee. And when I said I wanted to go with her, she argued more. Why would she want to spend time away from me, with people who hate me and would always badmouth me to her behind my back? Why would she want to spend time with them, and without me? Why would she want to break up what we had? We were happy, cozy and safe. She shouldn’t be going anywhere. I was right to try to stop her. I was only trying to protect her.

What is wrong about me saying something about how she was dressed? She dressed like she was eager, available and wanted to find a man. What was that all about? I was her man. I am her man. No one else. Actually, she was dressed like a prostitute. I’m surprise she wasn’t embarrassed to go out looking like that. I know you should never tell a woman that how she’s dressed doesn’t look good, but I had to say something. Who was she trying to impress? Going out with her sister and dressing like that? Short skirt and low cut blouse. How much skin did she want to show off? It was cold that night and she was hardly wearing any clothes. She was only going to attract the wrong kind of man. Why would she do that?

I knew there was something wrong when her sandwiches weren’t right. Something was going on. It was like she didn’t care enough to make my sandwiches just right. She knew how I liked them. When I told her the bread on my sandwich was not toasted, but burnt because she didn’t set the timer on the toaster correctly, she just stood there and didn’t say anything. She bowed her head and just started softly crying. I was only talking about a small mistake, and she thought it was something to cry about. She did it wrong, but it was no big deal. All she had to do was try a little harder. Was that really too much to ask?

Haven’t seen another car for miles. Getting away from everyone has to work. Maybe if I don’t have to face anyone, and I can just be alone. Gotta get to the cabin so I can shut my eyes and get some sleep. I need to just keep breathing long, slow deep breaths. Maybe this splitting headache will let up and I can get some real rest. Man, I just need to sleep. Just a little. It’s been too long.

Long drive. Tired. Eyelids feeling heavy. Feel numb like a zombie. I think that’s the road. Turned right onto the narrow dirt road. Drove about a mile, and finally got to the cabin. It’s dark. No lights. No one has been here in a while, but I know exactly which rock the hide-a-key is in. Leaving the headlights on so I can see. There’s the rock with the key.

The cabin smells musty and old, like no one has been here in years. It feels empty and cold.

I need to get a fire going. Need to warm up.

No one understands. Loosing someone you love is more painful than any of them understand. They haven’t been where I am. They don’t know. They think they do... but they don’t... and everyone is so sorry. I’m sick of all of them. I think they’re really just looking down their nose at me, as if they’re saying “What makes you think you were good enough for her? Wake up, and realize Angela deserved much better than the likes of you”.

The truth is none of them know what they’re talking about. I love Angela so much, it just killed me to see her anywhere but right by my side. She had to be with me. Without her right next to me, I couldn’t think, or deal with anything. How would I know if she is safe...? Without Angela, I can’t… I can’t even think straight.

Finally got a fire started. The lights don’t work, but thankfully I found candles and matches. Even with candles and the fireplace, the room is pretty dim. Glad I found a heavy blanket, and with the fire going I am finally warming up. This chair isn’t too bad, and my knuckles are finally loosening up. The cold was making my hands squeeze down like claws. They finally feel better.

It’s so quiet here. All I can hear is my own breath, and my own heartbeat. I’m finally starting to feel warmer. I think there’s a full moon.

Pulling the curtains back.

Whoa, right there in the tree right outside the window, a large barn owl staring right back at me. He’s not moving. Is he frozen? His eyes are so big, you can’t escape them. Whoa, they just blinked, so I guess he’s not frozen dead. I stared back right into his eyes daring him, and expecting him to flinch or fly away, but he didn’t. He just sat there on the branch motionless, with his huge eyes staring right into my window and straight at me. After a minute I had to blink and look away. He was freakin’ me out.

I know what happened. Angela did it wrong. Angela should never have listened to her sister. Why’d she do that? Why would my Angela betray me? Her sister Allison hated me, and I don’t know why. Allison did everything she could to keep my Angela away from me. Why? All I ever wanted to do is love Angela and keep her safe. The world is full of ugly people with ugly thoughts and ugly intentions. Why is it so wrong to want to protect my sweet Angela from all that? She shouldn’t be around people like that, but all Allison could think of was pulling Angela away from me. What kind of sister does that? Why would Angela listen to her? Allison was always suspicious, and for no reason. All I ever wanted to do is protect Angela and keep her safe right next to me. All I ever wanted to do was love her completely, and keep everyone else away. Angela didn’t need anyone else anyway, just me.

Why did Allison hate me so much? If she liked me, then she wouldn’t be trying to pull Angela away from me. Allison is just mean spirited. She’s evil, and she spreads that around like a cancer, infecting everyone around her and poisoning them with her hateful, vicious ideas about me.

Whooo...

What was that...?

You gotta be kidding me. It couldn’t be that sick bird.

Whooo...

Can it be that crazy owl? Going back to the window I see that same bird in the same place, standing the same way, with his eyes wide open staring right at me, without moving or even blinking.

Who what? I said sharply. What do you want you sick, crazy bird? What can you possibly want?

The owl didn’t react at all. He just sat there without moving, staring at me. Stupid freaky bird. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. I have to get some rest. I need to sleep, and this headache has to go away.

My head is throbbing. I miss my Angela. Tears on my face. I loved her so much, and I know she loved me. I know she did. She was always so sweet and kind to me, it had to be true love. My throat hurts… runny nose.

But if she really loved me, why did she go out with that guy? I saw them together. I was only following her because I was worried about her going out alone to meet a girlfriend, but then I see her with that guy. What was that all about? Why would she lie to me?

Yeah, I know why. It had to be Allison’s doing. My Angela would never betray me like that unless she had been brainwashed into cheating on me, and that had to be Allison.

My chest hurts. Nose running, because it’s cold?

My poor Angela. She didn’t deserve that.

My poor sweet Angela. Left in the woods for dead. No clothes, and with all those bruises, and when the police found her, what did they do? Just ‘cuz she was dead they didn’t think to cover her up? A blanket would’ve been nice. How many hours did she just lay there naked with all those cops walking around her and taking pictures. Don’t they have any respect? I know they’re cops, but some of them had to look at her funny. Sick perverted bastards.

My poor sweet Angela, cold in the ground. They should have put one of her sweaters on her over that silk dress. She’s cold. I know it. I’m so sorry Angela. My sweet Angela. I’m sorry.

I just don’t want you to be cold.

Whooo... killed her?

I turn sharply to look out the window at that stupid crazy bird.

What did you say?

I didn’t breath. I couldn’t think or move. What did he just say?

Nothing. He said nothing.

Whooo...

No, it couldn’t be. I’m sick, that’s why I’m hearing things. What’s the matter with me. That stupid owl didn’t say anything. I’m just hearing things.

Whooo...

What? You again? Stupid bird. Get away from me. Go on, fly away.

I started waving my arms around to scare that stupid bird away. Then I realized I must’ve looked like an idiot. I don’t care you stupid bird. Go ahead and stay in that tree. I hope you freeze to death.

Whooo... killed her?

What did you say? What was that? Sick, stupid bird still looking right at me. Why? Does it know something? What could it know? It’s just a sick, stupid bird.

Whooo... did she want to get away from?

Shut up you stupid bird. You can’t talk. Why are you talking?

Whooo...

She needed to get away form you, because you were smothering her.

She wanted someone else. You just weren’t good enough for her.

What? That’s not true.

All she had to do is stay with me, and love me, and not argue with me. I would have loved her every minute of every day, always.

Whooo... You are so pathetic. You couldn’t see how you were suffocating her, and trying to control and posses her. Of course she wanted to get away from you.

No she didn’t.

You... know she wanted to get away from you... and you killed her.

No. No I didn’t.

If she would have just stayed with me, and done what I said, she would’ve always been safe. She would be fine, always. I loved her and would have done anything for her. What more did she need? She only needed me. No one else. I wanted to be everything for her. She didn’t need anyone else. She just needed to remember how much she loved me. We just needed to make love one more time and she would have remembered.

Whooo… All she remembered was how much she wanted to get away from you, and I don’t blame her. You sniveling, pathetic cry baby.

I froze. Did that sick, twisted bird really just say that? What is happening?

You… killed her.

I couldn’t move or breathe. That’s stupid bird won’t shut up. It won’t leave me alone. I just want to rest. It can’t be talking. Stupid birds don’t talk. I just wanted my Angela back. That’s not too much to ask. Why wouldn’t she make love with me? Why did she fight?

Whooo… What happened?

Shut up and leave me alone you sick, pathetic bird.

You... killed her.

When I saw her with him, it crushed me. Why would my Angela do that? I could tell he was only interested in one thing. Angela shouldn’t be with a guy like that. Angela shouldn’t be with any guy other than me. Why was she with him? Why would she allow some other sick guy to get close to her?

Ultimately, Angela betrayed me. She didn’t have to do what Allison said. Angela could’ve just said NO. All I wanted was to show her that I loved her. We just needed to make love one more time, but she wouldn’t stop screaming or crying. She shouldn’t have been crying, or fighting me. I just wanted her to be quiet so no one would hear. No one would understand. She needed to remember.

My heart splits wide open. Oh my Angela. Why did you do that? Why did you fight me? I just wanted you to love me like before. I wanted to love you like before, and make you remember, but you screamed, and cried, and fought me. I couldn’t let you do that. Someone might have heard you. I had to stop the screaming. I had too…

Whooo...? You killed her.

Why?

Why did I?

Why did I get so upset?

Angela didn’t deserve that. She was so sweet and kind. Why did she fight me?

I had to yell at her.

It was all just crazy and stupid.

Why did I do that?

I’m sorry Angela. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just knew you were going to leave me. I couldn’t let you do that. I just wanted you to remember that you loved me, and I knew if you did, everything would be okay. The world is filled with sick people who would just eat you up. All I wanted was to love you and keep you by my side where I could protect you. What’s wrong with that? Everything would’ve gone back to normal, and we could go home. You just had to remember. I’m so sorry Angela. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.

You… murdered her.

That sick barn owl was still staring right at me, and talking to me. Somehow he knew.

You… are controlling and manipulative, and she wanted to get away from you. You didn’t deserve someone as nice as Angela. You are a monster.

Headlights on the lonely dirt road slowly driving up to the cabin. The squad car stops and the Sheriff and his deputy get out. They hear movement in a tree next to the cabin. They see a large barn owl who turns and looks straight at the Sheriff and his deputy, staring intently. After a moment, the owl then stretches out his wings and flies away.

The front door is halfway open. The Sheriff draws his gun and slowly walks in the cabin, followed by his deputy. They find a man, in the dark, curled up on the floor, shivering and whimpering.

I’m sorry Angela… I’m sorry.

The Sheriff says “Well, that’s it… Let’s get you up. You are under arrest. There are a few people in town that want to talk to you, and I’m sure you know why.”