The Next Death; Chapter 4

I still haven't quite figured out how to tell my mom that I was going to drop classes and start 'working a job.' I sit at the table, poking at my dinner. Mom, Marc, and Dan are chatting.

"Is everything alright Eliza?" Mom asks. I look up at her. She has one eyebrow raised. "You've done more poking than eating, and you've got that thousand-mile stare going."

"Oh, um, yeah, sorta. I mean, everything's great just- I'm going to drop my three extra classes," I finally spit the words out of my mouth. I want to bang my head against the table. They sound like defeat to me. I worked so hard to get to where I am and here I am dropping classes.

Now mom looks surprised as does Marc and Dan. "Sweetie," she begins, putting her fork down, "You don't have to. I was just joking this morning."

"Ya I know- I mean- I've been thinking about it for a while. Especially with just how crazy I've been running around right now."

"Elizabeth, are you sure you're alright?" Marc asks.

I force a smile. "Why wouldn't I be?" I ask.

"You sound slightly panicked," he says.

"And your hand is shaking," Dan points out, pointing to my right hand.

"I picked the wrong lead- I'm dropping my classes because I sort of got a job- it just sort of happened- not that I think that a job is more important than school- it's just that after the accident- I'm, uh, I'm rethinking some things" I explain in one breath.

The three of them watch me for a minute. Mom's worried face softens to a smile.

"Alright, Eliza. It's your choice. I won't lie though. I don't completely understand, and as a parent, I want to beat some sense into you as this decision seems the exact opposite of anything that could possibly be good for you," she says. "But, know that if there's anything that you want to talk about, no matter how ridiculous or trivial it might seem to you, I'm willing to listen. There's nothing you can't tell me. You know that, right?"

I smile at her. "I know." I want to tell her, but she wouldn't understand at all. She would think I'm crazy. Not to mention, I have a feeling that dragging them into this would only spell disaster for them.

- - - -

I make it out of the dining room without any further questions which is nice. It also gives me plenty of time to stew in my room over how I was going to break the news to Emma and Riley.

We had everything planned out to a T. We were all going to graduate together at the top of the class and we were all going to go to the same college and live in the same dorm and be the ultimate roomies for all of college and then we were all going to get an apartment together until we figured out what we were going to do with the rest of our lives.

That was all out of the question for me now. I didn't really have a say in that, and I can't exactly tell them why. The real reason that is. I groan in frustration. Shutting my eyes, I begin to gently bash my head against the wall.

"I suppose that's slightly better than throwing your computer across the room," I hear mom say.

I stop, opening my eyes. "Mom."

"Mind if I come in?" she asks.

I shut my laptop and place it on the bed next to me. "Sure."

Mom walks in and sits next to me on my bed. "Do you want to talk about whatever is bothering you?"

I look at her surprised. "We went over it at dinner."

She gives me her mom look. "Elizabeth, I'm your mother. I raised you. I think I can tell when something is bothering my baby girl."

I pull my legs so I'm sitting crisscrossed, and I place my hands in my lap. "I'm just-. . . I. . .," I'm supposed to be dead. I'm only alive because I accepted a deal from death himself, but I have to begin training to become his replacement tomorrow. I look down at my hands. "I don't think you'd understand."

My mom is silent. "I never told you this, but when I was a freshman in high school, I went through depression. On many occasions I considered suicide. I almost went through with it a few times," she says.

I look up at her in surprise. She's looking at the wall across from us. She turns her head to look at me and gives me a small smile. She reaches out, gently tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"I'm not saying this to try to convince you to tell me. I just want you to know that I understand. I can't imagine what is going on in your mind right now, but I know what it's like to feel lost and alone. I doubt you're going through something like what I went through, but I understand that you don't want to talk. But please, trust me on this Elizabeth. Whatever it is that you're dealing with, it will get better. You may feel like you're drowning, that there's no hope of ever seeing the light again, and that the world is against you, but it will get better. You just got to hang in there. And if you ever feel that it's not worth hanging in there, remember that there are so many people who love you and that all you have to do is reach out to them. Okay?"

I nod. "Thanks, mom."

She stands up and kisses my head. "I love you." She leaves before I can respond, shutting the door.

Great. Now I feel even worse about not telling my mom and I'm pretty sure she thinks I've on the verge of depression. Or worse.

"I am a terrible human being," I whisper to myself.