The Library Of My Mind

The library Of My Mind

In my mind there was a library of memories, and that’s where my book of love was. Along with all my memories, stored on a shelf, in the back, covered in dust, broken. There were books scattered all around the room that was my mind, open to various things, fear, hate, horror and loneliness.

My wife of thirty three years, three children and 8 grandchildren had passed away, suddenly, quietly, during the night, while I lay beside her, not knowing until the morning light and it was time to get up.

Time has passed since that day and life goes on, as they say. For me it wasn’t much of one, sadness, depression, loneliness, these books all lay open, in the library of my mind. Then there was the hatred, the self-loathing, why did she have to go, it was not fair, I was supposed to go first as far as I was concerned, she had so much to live for, the kids, the grandkids.

Now the book of fear has been opened in the library of my mind, how can I go on, how do I become the best parent and grandparent to these people, without her? Years pass, dust grows on the books, the curtains are closed and darkness pervades every corner of the library of my mind.

Then you entered through the door, bringing a gust of fresh air and a little glimmer of light, it was your love, and it shone through the darkness, it moved some of the dust. There were many books to choose from, to look at, but you searched all the shelves, looking for the one book, the one that you knew would bring me back to the present, back to being part of life rather than just surviving each day.

It had been many years since we first met, we were both married and all of us had pleasant memories of time shared, but we lost contact with each other, you and he moved away and we all got on with life.

But you returned. You had suffered loss too. Your light found me, and you took the chance, you looked at me and handled me so carefully, you noticed I was broken, so you blew off the dust, and started to open the curtains to let the light reach into the library of my mind. With your kindness, your care, your grace, you put me back together, made me whole, you showed me your love, compassion, care.

There are still dark corners in this library of my mind, books of horror, books of fear and books of uncertainty open from time to time. But all I have to do is look at you, and I find the grace to go on, I look at you and see your care and your kindness.

In this library of my mind, I can now go back and reread the books of memories of good times, sweet times, and sad times. I can also start to write the books of times to come, sharing thoughts, being more to the children and grandchildren, watching them grow and being involved in their lives instead of watching from the sidelines.

The library of my mind has become a room I now cherish and one that I willingly visit. I eagerly dust off those books of memories, share thoughts with you and others. I have let go of the book of fear and it sits on the shelf in a far back corner, covered in dust and in darkness. I don’t need to fear anything anymore, I have you to support me, I have the family, I love and hold close to my heart to support me, as I support them.

This library of my mind is open, full of light, happiness and love and will be a place to return to happily.