The last day

S16/06/2021

Dear diary today the world came caving in on me. I am writing this by candle light in a small corner of my room. I can't escape my room there is no way out. My body feels battered and broke and near every movement hurts but now that the dust and dirt has settled I feel the need to share my story. I hope someone finds me in time or atleast from this they will know who I am. Guess I should start at this morning from the moment I opened my eyes something didn't feel right. I had a suffocating feeling something was wrong something bad is about to happen. The locket around my neck felt heavy as I placed my hand over it, it felt hot to my touch. You see this locket it was a gift. A gift from my soul mate a piece of his heart. He was on the other side of the world you see whilst I live in Australia. His name is Michael and he means everything to me. We have never met in person but our souls know each other. There is no denying it! He gifted me this heart shaped locket sent it to me across the ocean to know his always with me and I'm safe. But today it didn't feel the same it was like it was warning me about things to come. It wasn't bring with it the warmth and comfort that it normally does. Today it just gave me this uneasy feeling I tried to call him but there was no answer. It had been like this for a few days and as my mind wandered always thinking the worst I could feel the locket getting heavier around my neck. I tried to ignore the feeling as I picked up my wallet and went for a walk to get some drawing supplies. With every step I could feel a black cloud following me even though the sun was shining. How to shake this feeling of dread. I returned with some new graphite pencils and pulled out my drawing pad. I began drawing without any thought before long hours had passed as I looked at my completed piece. He was so perfect to me but today his eyes looked sad and his lips weren't curled up at the corners like his normal smile. I stepped back in a daze looking at the sketch I had created. It was Michael but not the way I see him. To me he was perfect, always smiling, strong a survivor! In my sketch he looked weak, frail and broken. I reached again for my phone now more desperate than ever to get in contact with him. I rung repeatedly and sent him messages of desperation to call me as I looked closer at the sketch of my love small details began to emerge. In his left eye I could see a reflection of my locket but it was broken as I grabbed at my neck to make sure it was still in one piece. Oh the relief when it was, was overwhelming. His tshirt had a quote on it, "Let me tell you, no one ever got my soul right like she could." These words sounded so familar, but I just couldn't place them. Once again I tried to shake the dark feeling from my mind and decided that I should eat. Why couldn't he just call and make this feeling go away. Just the sound of his voice always soothes me instantly, with him I always felt safe.

My heart was safe in his hands, as his was in mine.

I looked at the clock it read 5.59pm. As I pulled the knife down threw the vegetables I was preparing the locket around my neck began to burn. Reaching for it to rip it from my neck, right as the clock clicked over to 6. As I grasped it in the palm of my hand that's when it felt like the world split in half. Everything came crashing in. I ran for the small space that I now sit in my room as darkness swallowed everything dust and debris fall as shelf comes down or it may have even been the wall I'm still unsure in this candle light, crushing my left arm holding the locket. I lost consciousness as the pain crashed like waves threw out my body. I don't know how long I was out for but when I came to using my right arm and legs to help move off what had my arm pinned to the floor still clutched tight in the palm of by broken arm was the locket. Shattered into a million pieces in my hand lay my lovers heart his gift that he entrusted me to keep safe. At the sight of this I could feel my soul weep. It knew, it knew that what ever had just happened to this world, that he was no longer here. There is but a emptiness below where that heart shaped locket sat, an emptiness that I fear I will never be able to fill, a void so dark that it even scares me if I make it out of here alive. Do I want to make it out of here alive? Could I even manage to live with this hollow feeling that's taking over me. As I look around in this dim light from my new prison with-in these four caved in walls, I see cracks of his smile now broken on the canvases that lay scattered, his eyes staring at me that no longer dance with child like excitement. Do I want to be found? Or am I happy to just fade with his memory? For he was mine and I was his, he promised me forever and to never let go!

In loving memory of my everything and my always taken to soon.

RIP 23/11/1976 - 16/06/2021