The Hardest Goodbye

Saying goodbye to someone is challenging in all instances, however some types of goodbyes etch themselves into your heart more effectively than others, leaving pain that doesn’t blur with time. For me, the most difficult goodbye did not come as a shock, and it was not out of the blue somewhere. I had been preparing myself for this particular goodbye for quite some months but still, when the time came, I was not ready.

It happened on the day of my grandmother’s funeral. Losing her was still more than losing a grandparent; she was the core of our family, a source of inspiration and containment to me. Her love and wisdom shaped me more than I could even know back then.

My grandma had been sick for a long time, but she carried it well. Perhaps, it was that kind of person who always found the point, even when it seemed she was fighting a losing battle. Her laughter though quieter in her last days still rang in our house and comforted everyone. She continued to share her tales, the ones I had heard a hundred times over but could always listen to again with the same appreciation. She had a knack for finishing her stories with a lesson, leaving me to ponder years after a story had been narrated.

With your patience, I must point out that the deterioration of the health condition in question, heralded the coming to an end. The sparkle of life in orbs became lessened, and the once unyielding vocal cords became mellowed. Each new day attaches itself more to my soul than the previous one; however, I always felt this fear thanks to each new day. I didn’t have to admit it, but I was fully aware that we were counting down the days.

The last time I had laid my eyes on her was a tranquil Sunday and the gates of her room. There was a deep calmness in the air as if the whole universe was in a state of pause. She was lounging in the very seat she loved most, swathed in the lightweight wrap that I had gifted her last winter. Looking at me, she smiled in a way that made me feel like my heart had melted and was running down my body.

I sat next to her and grasped her tiny hand, trying to capture every detail of her attendance such as the dark lavender scent of her shawl, the heat of her palm in mine, and the depth of love and wisdom in her eyes that seemed ages old. She spoke softly, informing me of how proud she was of me.

I was caught off guard by what she said. I’d always known there was love for me in her heart, however, hearing it come out of her mouth at that moment felt more overwhelming than I had ever thought it would be. I wanted to reply with so many things - to express my gratitude for her, to explain how her presence has positively affected my life, but all that did not come out because of the lump in the throat. I managed to say, “I love you,” though, and hoped she understood just how much those words meant.

As the time to leave came, I was stuck at the door, gazing at her one last time. She smiled and waved at me. Her hand was unsteady, but her smile remained firm. That wave - so simple yet so conclusive - spoke volumes more than any words ever could.

Days later, the call came. I did not expect it, but the news still rocked me like a tsunami although I had been waiting for the moment. The house felt terribly quiet in the few days that followed. Her chair was empty thus her uncompleted stories remain untold, and her absence was an emptiness that nothing seemed to fill.

In the weeks that followed her death, I could only return to the memories’ content. At the toughest of my times emerged as a mantra: “I’m glad of you.” She left me with a gift that is far better than any material possession- the warmth of her love and the knowledge she shared with me through her stories and her existence.

The hardest farewell taught me that we should value the moments while we still can. It made me remember to show affection, to say the things that matter before it is too late. It also taught me that as much as some farewells are for good, the love and memories they leave behind are for eternity.

There is no doubt that she is still alive in my heart. I can recall her laughter echoing in my ears, her wisdom illuminating me even during the times I feel lost, and her love is something that never fails to uplift me. Losing her was by far the most difficult thing I did. However, in that moment, I understood the extent of her presence in my life, and that is something I shall hold close to myself forever.