The Hard Road To Success

The first line in the manual tells you to follow the rules and not deviate from them. Any deviation and you will not be successful; keep to the rules, and you might possibly succeed. You always do your best to succeed.

You are not alone. Others have their copies of the manual.

Follow the rules, and you are told that you will always succeed, but you need to know and understand the rules. Also, you know that there is only one winner, so the statement "Follow The Rules And You Will Always Succeed" is a lie.

You must write at least a thousand words on the form, and they must be in your own language

You know that is fine, and a simple target, but you know that others will ignore it and be rewarded for "pushing the envelope" because they are friends of the qualification panel.

That is one instruction you dare not ignore, because it gives them an excuse to disqualify you, and you know that has happened before.

The prize you are going for is a better position in this organisation, but you know, regardless of the quality of your words, they can dismiss you on a whim.

Oh, and your submission has to be handwritten with a fountain pen in dark blue ink.

That means you cannot make a mistake in those thousand words, or you have to start again. Crossings out or signs of tipex mean instant dismissal. Also, dripped ink can result in black marks, both on the page and from the custodian who is marking your work.

Sometimes you feel that the list of rules is just there to make you fail, and for others to ignore and be praised for their ignorance.

Once you have completed your submission, it must be properly folded and placed in a brown envelope and sealed.

It must then be addressed, again in dark blue ink written with a fountain pen, and then sent first class recorded delivery, so you have proof that you actually sent the submission.

Then the nerves kick in. Was your submission grammatically correct? Were there any spelling mistakes? You can't use a spell checker on a handwritten article, can you? The envelope is signed, sealed and sent, so it is in the hands of the gods now. You tell yourself that you got it right, and you have to trust your own abilities.

You must now wait. They say that it will be about two weeks, but it may be longer, "because they are so busy", although you see others being fast-tracked through the process, but you are not one of them.

They also told you that your reply would be by post, so each day you are waiting for something to drop through the letter box, but so far it is only bills, charity letters and junk mail.

They said the worst part would be waiting for the response, as there is no nailed-on time frame, though they promise that they will respond.

And finally, it drops through your letterbox, in a brown envelope, written in blue ink by a hand that held a very expensive fountain pen.

You are almost too scared to open it, and wonder if you just rip the envelope open, will you be punished for not properly respecting the stationery of the committee?

You open it and unfold the letter inside.

"You Have Failed. You only wrote 997 because three phrases were not hyphenated correctly. Ten letter "i"s were not dotted, so that was another issue. Your work is not of the required standard to fulfil this position.

Yours faithfully

The Pedants Society."