The GoldFinch

A/N: The following story was created for the second round of NYC Midnight’s 500-Word Short Fiction Challenge. The prompts were A Fairy Tale/Fantasy, Forgiving, and A Pet Bird. The top 4 from each group moved on to the finals. I received 5th place and an honorable mention, just missing the cut-off.

The feedback I received from the judges was very encouraging, so I’ve decided to post it under the story for anyone who wants to enter a future writing challenge there. They always give feedback, and it’s usually pretty helpful! Let me know your thoughts in the comment section. Do you agree with the judges' critiques? Will you join me for a future challenge? As always, thanks for reading. Your feedback is quite welcome.

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The Story:

“We’re here, Vaanya,” Faerune whispered to the caged yellow bird. “Do you recognize it?”

The goldfinch cocked its tiny head and regarded the old elf with depthless onyx eyes but remained silent. Faerune wheezed and was seized by a coughing fit. He took a moment to steady himself, then painstakingly descended the sloping grass to the great lake at the bottom. The placid water mirrored the stars so perfectly it was hard to tell where the lake began and the sky ended.

Liver-spotted hands caressed the tiny cage with reverence. “This is the place where you first sang to me. Do you remember?” Faerune gestured toward the lake and sighed. “I do. The smell of lilac, the wind’s kiss against my skin, the swell of joy in my breast, but I recall your song most clearly.” Haunted grey eyes swimming with unshed tears turned toward the bird. “Please, Vaanya. Won’t you sing for me again? One last time, before I die?”

Silence. The bird continued to stare, but its black eyes seemed to glare in accusation. Faerune sighed again, the sound of a man who’d lost everything. It’d been a foolish hope. She’d never forgive him. This was the price he paid for stealing his wife’s freedom.

Wiping his nose, he set the cage down on a bed of soft grass and sat heavily beside it. Would he have chosen differently, given another chance? Perhaps. But what was the point of a long life if you couldn’t live it with the one you loved?

Still, he shouldn’t have believed that old hag. Never trust a human. Everyone knew that, but his wife had been dying, black tendrils of the sickness that had killed so many spreading under her pale skin like poisoned tree branches, and the hag promised a cure. A glass vial of glowing red liquid swirling with some unknown white substance.

“Bid her drink this,” the hag had said, “and she will yet live, mayhap a good deal longer than you.”

And she had, but magic always has a price. Vaanya’s was to be transfigured into a lovely goldfinch, and Faerune’s was never to hear her sing again.

Coward, he thought, stop lying to yourself. Right. No more shades of half-truths. Vaanya didn’t sing because he’d locked her in this cage, afraid she’d fly away before he found a cure. Even when it became clear he’d never find one, he’d refused to free her.

Strength waning, he opened the cage door. Vaanya hopped on the wooden perch, tilting her head first one way, then the other. Tentatively, she fluttered to the door and stood on the threshold, watching Faerune curiously. Finally, she took off in a flurry of golden wings into the night sky. Faerune’s heart flew away with her.

He laid on the grass and watched her go, waiting for the end. As he died, he thought he heard her whistle. The wind parted his silver hair, bringing with it a faint scent of lilac.

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The Judges' Feedback:

''The Goldfinch'' by Kenny Penn -

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {2305} This made me curious from the start. Good job not explaining too much right away, just enough to make it intriguing. I enjoyed guessing what had happened, and the foreshadowing fit well. {2206} Beautifully descriptive. I could visualize the "depthless onyx eyes," the "placid water (that) mirrored the stars," and even the "liver-spotted hands that caressed the tiny cage with reverence" that told us we are witnessing the winter of Faerune's life. My favorite was "...spreading under her pale skin like poisoned tree branches..." I didn't want to like Faerune, but the writer's honest storytelling compelled me to. We all have a tendency, at times, to tell ourselves half-truths that are really lies. It takes courage to be honest with oneself and the writer shows this with unflinching heart. I felt a bit of that courage pass to me. A redemptive ending. Again, beautiful storytelling and peace at last for them both. {2080} Your use of imagery throughout the story as you describe the beautiful landscape around the lake is very impressive. It's not hard at all to picture the lake with the placid water mirroring the stars, and I especially like that you also appeal to the sense of smell and sound with the scent of lilac and the bird's song - the story engages almost all the sense, which makes it very vivid and engaging. The simplicity of the plot allows you space to develop your characters, and I really feel like you did a good job of exploring Faerune's emotions and motivation. He is a flawed but relatable, and therefore sympathetic, character, and readers will easily empathize with his regret and desire for resolution.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {2305} It’s not clear whether the bird still has elven intelligence, or is just a bird now. I know that could be left as a mystery, but it would be good to know at least whether Faerune is certain she can understand him, or just hoping. You might consider trading some of the description of the illness for a bit describing how she acted as a bird later. Maybe he put newspapers in her cage and she read them, turning pages with a delicate talon, instead of befouling them like a regular bird would. Something like that. {2206} He laid on the grass... *lay* I have read through this several times and I have no suggestions. It's a deeply crafted story. {2080} I already think the story is working really well, so there isn't much that I can point to that isn't working. I was curious, though, about Vaanya's character. How much of her original personality is present in her bird form? Faerune worries she'll fly away - would she have? Is she aware of her past as his wife, or why he's keeping her? Some indication of that would be interesting and would add depth to the story.