The Ethics of Staying

Staring at the prompt for her ethics paper Jasmine thought about why she stayed with Ash and how things had gotten so complicated. She thought back to when she met him.

They met at a party thrown by her ex’s fraternity. She dated Lucas in high school, but it ended when he left for college, and she didn’t. He’d reached out when she got to campus.

She first noticed Ash standing at the bar when she went to get a drink. He looked tall, bordering on gangly, but as she got closer, Jasmine could make out subtle muscles. He had sandy hair that made Jasmine want to run her hands through it.

He introduced himself and asked her to dance. Taking one look at Lucas, who stood across the yard watching, she grabbed Ash’s hand and led him to the dance floor. Ash was attractive in that natural kind of way. He didn’t try to stand out, but he didn’t blend in. Ash had confidence if the way his hands gripped her waist counted as any indication. She enjoyed dancing with him, though her thoughts never strayed too far from Lucas. She felt his gaze. It fell where Ash’s hands rested.

Things got a little friskier as Ash’s hand came to rest on Jasmine’s ass, pulling her body against his. It barely qualified as dancing. A few thin layers of clothing kept them from going further. Lucas chose then to cut in. Ash, not wanting to risk the loss of a potential bid, smiled before whispering “tease” into Jasmine’s ear and walking away.

Ash ended up being in one of her classes, and after confirming she wasn’t dating Lucas, asked her out. He took her out for coffee and a walk through the quad. They ended up sitting and talking until dark. Feeling bad for making her miss dinner he took her out to eat.

Like he knew she was thinking about him, her phone went off.

—Come over.

Can’t. I have an Ethics paper for Henderson

due and an exam in my physics class —

—You can study here I’ll help. Promise.

Ok. I’m on my way—

Walking to the frat house, Jasmine continued going through their relationship. The first few weeks she compared him to Lucas. He pulled ahead in every category. Then cracks started appearing the first night she slept with him. He’d officially accepted a bid from Alpha Kappa Epsilon. AKE threw a massive party for the pledges, and he recreated the night they met.

…

“Can I get you a drink?” he offered as he walked up to the bar.

“No, I have one. But do you wanna dance?”

“Sure.”

They spent the night dancing.

“No Lucas to cut in this time, huh?” he whispered as his hands slid down to rest on the lowest part of her back.

“Not a chance in hell I’d let anyone cut in. Besides, we’re just friends. I told you that.”

“So, you didn’t sleep with him that night?”

Jasmine said nothing.

“So, you did,” he said gruffly and pulled away.

“I don’t owe you an explanation, but I’m done here so why don’t you walk me to my dorm, and I’ll explain.”

So, they got their things and he walked her back to her building. Jasmine explained that when she decided on the same college Lucas reached out, and they started talking again. There’d been no anger in the breakup, so they picked things up as friends. Though the talking was innocent, they both said they were single and interested in what could happen, so he invited her to the party. She told Ash how she was getting a drink at the bar when she had been asked to dance by this really attractive guy. Since Lucas had made no move, she thought sure, at the very least it should get his attention. She ended up having a great time. But Lucas cut in.

“Was that for my benefit or yours?” Lucas asked as he pulled her in to dance, the tension in the air palpable.

“I could ask you the same question,” Jasmine responded pressing herself against him, “but I think I have my answer.”

“Oh yeah? And what is that?” he whispered as they swayed to the music.

She pulled back and looked him right in the eyes, “Both.”

“What would you say to catching up someplace quieter?”

“Well since you just sent away my other plans why not?”

Lucas laughed and led her into the house; he grabbed a full bottle of vodka.

“To make things less awkward,” he offered with an easy smile.

On the way up to the room, Lucas’s frat brothers let out whistles and catcalls.

“Ignore them, they’re immature idiots” Lucas assured Jasmine as he put his hand low on her back and led her up to his room.

“And you’re not?” Jasmine questioned.

“You tell me.”

“Ok, how many times have you done what those guys did? Or how many other times have you been catcalled bringing different girls up to your room and enjoyed it?” Jasmine winced thinking about Lucas with other girls.

“Fair point. I’m still immature,” Lucas confessed, grabbing a couple of shirts off his navy-blue bedspread and throwing them into the corner.

“You can sit, if you want.”

“What? Don’t wanna answer the question?” Jasmine teased him laying back onto the bed.

Lucas sat down beside her then took a swig of vodka, “No, it’s just, I’d rather not discussed what’s happened while we’re trying to figure out what’s happening now. And I’d really rather not hear about all the guys you did anything with this last year.”

Jasmine perched herself on her elbows and really looked at the room for the first time. Lucas had covered the walls in posters varying from Quentin Tarantino to Spielberg, and a wall was wholly dedicated to the photos he’d taken. Jasmine got up off the bed to look; they were actually pretty good. One caught her eye. It sat framed on his desk rather than in the collage on his wall.

“You still have it?” Jasmine’s voice cracked.

“Yeah. One of the best days of my life.”

Jasmine went over and picked it up. It was a black and white photo that had managed to focus and capture her smile while blurring the world around them. She turned around and bumped into Lucas who had gotten off the bed and walked up to her. When she looked up at him, emotions running high. He brought his thumb up and gently wiped a tear away.

“But I tell girls it’s my sister if they ask.”

Jasmine laughed, causing snot to shoot out of her nose.

“Oh, gross,” he laughed, grabbing a tissue to wipe the snot off.

“It’s what you deserve for that comment,” Jasmine laughed so hard she could barely get the words out.

“It just felt right to have a reminder of you,” shrugged Lucas.

“I’m here now,” Jasmine closed the distance between them and kissed him. The kiss felt familiar and comforting. She reached behind him and grabbed the bottle of vodka off the desk, taking a gulp before pulling her shirt off. Lucas grinned, pulling her back against him. They continued undressing each other, occasionally pausing to drink. Their lips never parted for long as their year apart melted away.

Jasmine woke up the next morning naked and unsure of where she was. Stretching out and looking at Lucas, everything came flooding back to her—well most things. Ash, Lucas, the old photo, and the sex. She decided to sneak out and deal with the repercussions later, but luck was not on her side. As she yanked her pants on, Lucas yawned beside her.

“Morning,” Lucas said, the remnants of sleep prevalent in his voice.

“Morning,” she mumbled.

“So, last night?”

“Happened?” Jasmine offered, not knowing how she felt.

“It was too much alcohol and reminiscing,” Lucas answered.

“Oh, thank God. It’s not that it wasn’t great,” she agreed without really thinking about it. “I just don’t wanna fall back into something out of comfort,” she trailed off staring at the floor.

She looked up into his bright green eyes and she smiled. They held their gaze with each other for several seconds before they started to laugh. They laughed until their stomachs hurt.

“I think the only calmer and more sensible conversation I had was when we broke up,” Lucas choked out.

“Stop. You’re going to make me start laughing again” Jasmine wheezed.

They blamed the photo, called it closure sex, and decided to be friends.

By the time she had finished telling him what happened they were back at her building.

“You laughed at him? I don’t think I could stay friends with someone who laughed at me the morning after we had sex.”

She didn’t correct him. Instead, she asked, “Are we okay? Or are you going back to the party?”

He brushed a few stray hairs away that had slipped out of her carefully made, messy bun. Tilting her head up, he kissed her. Jasmine met him halfway. It was long, slow, and passionate.

His hand delved into her hair pulling it from the bun while his other hand was pressed into her waist. She wrapped her hands around his neck letting her fingers run through the curls at the back of his head. Ash pulled the ponytail from her long brown hair now running both hands through her hair.

She breathed out and took his hand in hers. “Come on.”

They walked hand in hand to her room. She had had sex plenty of times, but Ash made her nervous. Her hands shook the entire time she unlocked the door. She led him to her room. He picked her up and set her on the bed then stepped between her legs.

“I love your hair,” he whispered, playing with it, “it’s so soft.”

Suddenly shy, she looked away. He tilted her chin back towards him and kissed her. It was the kiss, in the wake of which shirts came off, condoms went on, and time disappeared.

…

Walking up to his frat house Jasmine saw a girl sneaking out the back. Hair a mess, clothes askew. Had she been with Ash? She hated that that was her first thought. Jasmine looked up to see if she could see who it was. Squinting she saw it was Danielle, Lucas’s girlfriend. She let out a sigh of relief.

“Hey, Danielle!” she shouted.

Danielle turned towards the sound of her name and walked over to Jasmine.

“Hey, are you here to see Ash?”

“Hoping to study a little too, but yeah. You with Lucas?” Jasmine asked, nodding in the direction of the house.

“Yup and left him wanting more. That’s the way to do it right?” she smiled.

“I’d say so, just don’t leave them wanting for too long. Tends to make them look for it in other places.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. I gotta go. See you later,” Danielle said.

Seeing Danielle reminded Jasmine of the first time Ash cheated on her.

…

They walked into the formal and despite being planned by guys, it looked nice. The lack of females led to fewer over-the-top decorations. It was simply black and maroon our school colors. Looking around, Jasmine saw a feminine touch of twinkle lights here and there, adding to the ambiance. Sadly, once they got there, Ash ditched her for his pledge brothers.

She spotted Lucas and walked over. They hadn’t really talked since the morning after the party—here and there since Jasmine and Ash started dating.

“Still dating I see.”

“He’s not a bad guy. Ash.”

“Yeah, but not the type I thought you’d end up with,” Lucas shrugged.

“And what type is that? You?” Jasmine asked, mostly joking, slightly inquisitory.

“No, I just meant…” he huffed.

“Look, it’s okay I get it. He’s not who I imagined either, but right now, he’s exactly what I want. I love him,” Jasmine looked up to see Ash staring at them from across the room and she smiled.

“Even when he’s ditching you?” he motioned to Ash across the hall.

“I don’t care too much plus it gives me time to catch up with you,” she chirped.

Ash watched them from across the room. He stalked over. As he got closer, he smiled and stretched out his hand.

“Hey, you wanna dance?” he offered, completely ignoring Lucas.

“Sure” she smiled, not expecting to really get a chance to dance with him during the formal.

“Later?” she called to Lucas as Ash pulled her to the floor.

Lucas gave her a sad smile and nod.

Ash led her out onto the dance floor as a slow song played. He pulled her close and whispered, “What was that about? Is he trying to get back together again?”

“No, just talking. We’re friends. I did date him for two years.” She said following his lead as he paraded her around as if to show everyone there who she was with.

“Anyways that one night was a mistake, we both know that.”

“It didn’t look like that. I don’t like how he looks at you,” he pulled away a little to look her in the eyes.

“That’s because he cockblocked you that night. He’s here with Danielle anyway.”

“You’re damn right it is. You were a tease that night, using me to get to him.”

“I thought you were cute from the moment I saw you. I just needed to know where things stood between me and him. If you think that was teasing, wait ‘til later. But I am pretty sure I made it up to you either way.”

“Yeah, you did.”

He dipped her and gave her a sloppy kiss as the song ended, chuckling against her lips as his friends hooted and cheered him on.

“I’m gonna head back over to the guys. Come find me in an hour, we’ll ditch early.”

“Sounds good. Maybe I’ll show you what a real tease is,” she smiled.

“Looking forward to it,” he smiled a soft smile, kissed her on the forehead, and walked away.

She went back to their table and made small talk with the other dates. They were all members of some sorority and fairly vapid. Except for Danielle. She seemed interesting and sweet. Not seeing Ash, Jasmine headed over to Lucas to ask him what was up between them. He said he liked her more than he had liked anyone in a long time.

After twenty minutes of talking about his need to grow some balls and ask her out, Jasmine realized her hour was up and left to find Ash. Ready to go and looking forward to some time alone with him, she grabbed their things, said goodbye, and went looking for him.

She found him. When she walked into the bathroom, he was in the middle of pulling his pants down. It might have been funny if he was alone. But watching Ash kissing some other girl ruined the effect.

“And you called me a tease.” Jasmine deadpanned, dropping his stuff and walking away. He reached for her while trying to pull his pants up, sputtering excuses.

The next week felt like hell. He waited for her outside of her classes, building, even outside her work trying to talk. She was tired of it. All the calls, texts, and dumb little presents meant nothing.

Jasmine answered her phone when it rang, “Stop calling me. It’s getting pathetic really.”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize we were fighting,” the deep but soft voice of Lucas came through.

“Lucas! Sorry, I thought you were Ash.”

“I figured as much. I am calling on behalf of him, though.”

“Seriously? You’re defending him? Is the sense of brotherhood that important?”

“God no. On both accounts. He came to me and asked. Think about it, Jaz. He actually came and begged me to call you.”

“So?”

“The guy pretty much hates me. How much pride did he have to swallow to do that? Not to get you back, but just hoping that you’ll hear him out. All he does is mope around. It’s really bringing down the house’s vibe.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask.”

Though they were back together within a week, Jasmine hadn’t quite forgiven him. She wanted to try because she hoped by going to Lucas, Ash put everything in the past. It showed he cared more about her than the fact that she’d had something with Lucas. Or so she thought. Any time she was alone with Lucas, even if she was just waiting for Ash, he’d get upset. That was usually when Jasmine would catch a girl coming out of his room. Fights followed and she could see how much he hurt himself by hurting her. He hated his cheating, but he couldn’t handle the non-existent threat of Lucas. He thought Lucas was still interested even though he’d been dating Danielle since their freshman year.

The week following his “lapses in judgement” was great. There were date nights and more affection. It wasn’t just extra attention; it was extra effort. He asked about her day and what she wanted to do. He transformed into the charming goofy boy that she knew he had the potential to be—when he wasn’t a raging asshole. That was how she knew when he’d cheated again.

He didn’t always sleep with the girls, sometimes he just fooled around with them.

…

Jasmine walked into the house and directly towards Lucas’s room. She had a feeling. She knocked on his door, twice, with no answer. She knocked one more time, louder. No response still. She turned the knob and started to open the door.

“Lucas?”

Ash walked out of his room across the hall.

“Oh, my mistake. I thought you were here for me.”

“I am, I just had a question for him.”

“But you couldn’t even say hi first? Why go to him first?”

“Isn’t this whole jealous thing overplayed? Especially since I’ve never cheated on you.”

Suddenly, his demeanor changed. Ash roughly rubbed the scruff on his chin. If he wanted to throw my friendship in my face, I’d throw his cheating in his.

“You’re right. Sorry. I just don’t like thinking of a time when you were with someone who wasn’t me. C’ mere,” he said, opening his arms up for Jasmine to step into.

She knew it bothered him that she had hooked up with Lucas. That night had always been a sore spot. She wondered if that was why he cheated. To get even, to prove Lucas didn’t affect him.

They walked into his room and Ash took her backpack off her shoulder tossing it into the office chair. Spinning her around he pressed Jasmine against the door and kissed her. Her hands reached for the curls at the back of his head, but Ash grabbed them and pinned them against the wall. His lips strayed from her mouth eliciting small protests about having work to do. Protests turned to soft moans as his lips traveled to the hollow of her throat. Her hands were firmly planted on his chest ready to push him off when his arms wrapped around her, lifting her off the ground. He threw her on the bed.

“What about my ethics paper?” she asked.

“I am just giving you a topic to write about, is it ethical to show up to your boyfriend's room and not let him shower you with love,” he offered, crawling onto the bed.

“And physics?”

“Well, I can show you something about velocity and friction.”

“Oh, shut up” Jasmine laughed as she leaned forward and pulled his shirt over his head.

“What? All of a sudden less interested in my help studying for physics?” he asked, pulling her shirt off.

“No, you’re right. What other physics study tips do you have?” she smirked.

“I can show you how force equals mass times acceleration,” he quipped, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I’d rather you show me how an object in motion tends to stay in motion.” Jasmine prompted as she reached for his belt.

She loved these moments with him—moments where neither were thinking about cheating. It was the reason she stayed. He had moments outside of the bedroom where she felt his attention dedicated to her, but they were few and far between. Jasmine realized she cared less and less about the cheating, and that started to worry her. ‘Was it time to end things?’ she thought.

One thought jumped to another and suddenly, she was worried about if she had enough time to study and write her paper. She mentally shook her head trying to get back into the moment, to no avail. Every time she got back into the moment, another thought bubbled to the surface. She was thankful when he finally finished.

Ash fell asleep during post-sex cuddles. She used to think it was cute. He would pull her against him, wrap an arm around her waist, and bury his head into her neck like he was trying to memorize her scent. Now it felt more like he was trying to keep her, trap her. Lying there in his arms she knew he loved her, but she also knew he wouldn’t stop cheating. She deserved better. Laying with him, Jasmine really started thinking about why she stayed. She didn’t think they’d been in love for a while.

Jasmine gingerly picked up the arm that laid across her and moved it away. She grabbed fresh underwear from her drawer and threw on one of his shirts. Careful not to wake him, she tiptoed over to the door cursing as it creaked open. She walked across the hall and knocked on Lucas’s door before going in. He wasn’t in there, but she saw the frame sitting on his desk. She walked over and picked it up. What stared back at her, was not the photo she expected. It was a picture of Danielle; she looked stunning. The realization hit her.

Jasmine quickly put the photo down and turned to leave.

“Hey, you okay?” Lucas, who had slipped into the room, asked.

“You switched the photos,” Jasmine stated.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, scratching his neck, “when Danielle and I started dating I thought it was weird to have that photo of you. I still have it though, if you want it…” he trailed off.

“No, it’s fine. It’s ok to have when you can say I am your sister, but Danielle knows I’m not.”

“I still have it, just not in plain sight. Anyway, what’s up?”

Jasmine shook her head trying to clear all of the conflicting emotions she felt. Looking up at him she noticed he had his jacket and backpack on.

She remembered why she came into his room in the first place, “Are you heading out to class?”

“No, just got back, why?”

“I saw Danielle leaving about forty-five minutes ago and she said she was with you. But she didn’t look me in the eye when she was talking.”

“Danielle wouldn’t cheat. She’s not Ash,” Lucas’s tone turned harsh.

“Hey, you’re the reason I am still with him. You’re the one who called saying he was sorry and shit.”

“I told you to give him another chance, not thirteen,” he said, voice rising.

“You need to be quiet. You’re going to wake him” Jasmine whisper yelled.

“What scared for your boyfriend to find you in my room instead of his?”

“Fuck you. I came in here hoping to hear Danielle was with you earlier. Don’t get mad at me for telling you what I saw. Next time I see your girlfriend sneaking out of the house, I promise I won’t check to make sure she was with you!”

Jasmine waited as Lucas processed what she’d said as she wasn’t one to throw around accusations.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I just didn’t think Danielle would… I didn’t think I’d go through what I’ve seen you go through,” he said kindly, rubbing up and down her shoulder.

The soft touch after he had just thrown it in her face that Ash cheated felt like too much. She needed distance from him, she backed away from him.

“Are you going to forgive her?” Jasmine asked curious what the implications would mean for her.

“No. I wouldn’t be able to deal with the stress of wondering if she’d cheat again,” Lucas said sure of himself.

“Yeah, it’s a lot and would you even be staying together after college? I mean we both know you don’t like the idea of long distance.”

“Hey,” he smiled begrudgingly, “why is it you also feel the need to bring up the biggest regret in my life?”

“The biggest regret?” Jasmine hiccupped.

“I mean think about it. If we had stayed together then you would have never had an interest in Ash, and I’d have never gotten together with Danielle. You would have been spared this pain,” Lucas said slowly walking towards her.

“We decided—” she started.

“I know what we decided, but I think it was because we knew it would have been a lot more serious this time around,” he said, cutting her off.

“I wanted new experiences,” she argued.

“And you got them. Would you say they were worth it?” he asked genuinely curious.

“Yes. They were something I needed. Even if they weren’t all good, they were new. I needed to find out what I wanted, and who I wanted to be,” she said.

“And now you have. You know what you want, and you know it’s not him. I know it’s not him. You’re using him as an excuse. So, the question is what is the excuse for?”

“I don’t know,” Jasmine answered, starting to get upset with herself.

She looked and saw Lucas standing in front of her. He brushed a tear away that started to roll down her cheek. It was too much she needed to think.

“I need to go,” her voice broke. She pulled away from him and inched her way to the door, “You’re still technically with Danielle and I-I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I need some time.”

“Hey, it’s ok and no matter what you decide I will be here in any capacity you need me.”

She walked back over to him and squeezed his arm, “Thanks. And for what it’s worth I’m sorry too.”

He gave her a soft smile and nodded. She headed back across the hall to Ash.

She got back into bed carefully so as not to wake Ash. She felt confounded by what Lucas had just said to her. She needed to get back to her dorm and think. She also needed to actually get the work she had procrastinated done.

She started to get up; reaching for her jeans, “I have to go.”

“No, stay for a little bit longer,” a still half-asleep Ash mumbled.

“I can’t, I have nothing accomplished. I have a paper, remember? And a test to boot, both of which you said you could help me with.”

“Okay,” he mumbled, already half-asleep again.

Jasmine was almost to her apartment when she ran into Danielle, literally.

“Oops, my bad,” Danielle apologized, “didn’t see you.”

“Why did you do it?” Jasmine asked, too tired to play coy.

“Huh?” Danielle responded looking confused.

“Cheat. Why. Did. You. Cheat?” Jasmine punctuated each word as if Danielle was a five-year-old.

“What are you talking about?” she asked, starting to get skirmish.

“Did Ash even tell you I was on my way over, or did he only tell you when I got there because he needed you to leave. How did he even convince you? Did he say Lucas and I were inevitable? That you should sleep together before me and Lucas had a chance to, so you guys could beat us to the punch?” Jasmine scoffed. She seethed with resentment for Danielle, “Guess what, you didn’t. Me and Lucas slept together in high school. The difference is I’ve had no feelings for Lucas for years now other than friendship. I thought you’d be good for him. I didn’t think you would end up hurting him.”

“You don’t get it, do you? Here I am feeling bad because I slept with your boyfriend and you’re angry that I cheated on my boyfriend. Which is funny because that actually has nothing to do with you. You are not a part of my relationship with Lucas.”

“I am when you cheat on your boyfriend with mine. Ash cheats. That’s what he does. I’m used to it by now. Lucas isn’t and he doesn’t deserve it.”

“But I deserve a guy who stares at someone else whenever she is in the room? You might not feel anything for Lucas, but he still has feelings for you. The framed photo of me on his desk, the picture of you sits right behind it. Waiting to take my place.”

“Danielle, I didn’t know—”

“Here’s the thing, I don’t believe you. I think you knew, and that’s why you don’t care that he cheats. Anyways I have to go, please don’t tell Lucas. I’m going to, I just need to figure out how,” Danielle’s voice wasn’t resentful. Just sad.

Jasmine sat on her bed and looked at her ethics prompt. “Compare and contrast the ethical implications of secrets.” It had been mocking her since she first read it. It wasn’t that she was having an issue with writing, it was that her mind kept wandering.

Should she tell Ash Lucas still loved her? Did she still love him? After he cheated Jasmine knew they’d never last, but she’d stayed with him anyways. Why? She knew it was because Lucas was with Danielle by then.

Jasmine knew the implication of secrets. They were emotional explosive devices.